Making a "Nice Guy" into a "Bad Boy" (but in a "good" way)

In another discussion, a comment was made that seemed to deserve a topic all it's own; here's the direct link to that comment.

The gist of it is that "nice guys" tend to be passive, predictable, and boring, while "bad boys" are spontaneous, unpredictable, and exciting. Debate as we may, women tend to like the bad boys, largely for these reasons. Not because they're "bad," per se, but because they bring excitement and intrigue. I believe those are traits that ALL men, "nice" and "bad" alike, can embrace and cultivate.

The question I'm posing for discussion is this: How can we "nice guys" mix it up to become more spontaneous and exciting for the women in our lives?

Tags: bad boy, nice guy, spontaneity

Views: 552

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

To start off the discussion, I'd say that dancing is probably the biggest thing I could personally do to push myself into being more spontaneous.

My wife's a dancer, and she's always been discouraged by my disinterest--no, dread is a better word--when it comes to dancing. I'm a tall, clumsy oaf with huge feet and huge issues with self-consciousness in public; dancing is not a natural outlet for me. I'll play my guitar and sing with the band, but please don't put me on the dance floor.

Well, I think that's the thing I need to work on myself. How about the rest of you?
I agree with Roberts assertiveness comment below but I have to disagree with your first theory about becoming a bad boy. Dancing, to me, does not seem like the way to go, in fact, it seems like you may be moving in the opposite direction.

You already play the guitar, that alone is pretty B.A.! Maybe you could learn knife fighting or something.

Seriously though, the whole being assertive and standing up for yourself will change how you think about your self. That, in turn, will change how others think about you.
I'm not talking about dancing just for me; I'm talking about dancing with my wife because it's something that she loves, and it's something that's been missing from her life since she married me.

I've always stayed away from it because it makes me feel uncomfortable and puts me "out there" for ridicule. I think it would be a step forward for me because I would be looking to my wife's happiness without regard for what other people think of me.

I should also clarify that I'm talking about couples dancing (two-step, jitterbug, etc), not artsy-fartsy ballet or "artistic" dance. Just something to do with my wife that she enjoys deeply.
Been there, done that. Mya just got a perfect 30 (even from Len). SEE?!? I even paid attention.
funny thing about dancing is if you think you look ridiculous then you do. My wife not me has a problem with this. I dance she doesn't. Oh and for once don't listen to Topher dancing with the stars activates my gag reflex (sorry pal). You play the guitar you know the beat just roll with it and don't worry how awesome you may or may not look just try not to step on her toes.
Yes, Chris is a very good dancer... me?? Not so much. I too have problems with public self-consciousness. Most wouldn't believe it as I have a very confident air.
I'm by no means a natural when it comes to dancing, but I learned salsa and got fairly decent at it. It improved my life tremendously. Gave me much more confidence in dealing with women I don't know and also helped me be more comfortable physically with them as well. It seems to me that having a basic knowledge of dance is an excellent quality for a man to have.

I'd add that my social life improved dramatically, having met many women and men through this outlet. It's great exercise and a terrific release. I think that while it's admirable that you are doing something to help your wife you should also focus on what rewards you'll get out of it. Once you dive in, you'll find that most people aren't naturals and you can attain a level of proficiency that will enable you to have fun. You don't have to be the best to enjoy yourself and you'll learn to let go of being self conscious, particularly as you realize most people watch the really good dancers and tend to ignore beginners.

I hope you pursue this. Start by finding a good teacher/class.
Yeah, dancing would probably be my issue as well. She loves to, I tell her I'm overtly white, and have been asked by my black friends not to. She simply laughs at that, but I can tell she's a little sad about it.

Well, I took her dancing a few weeks ago. After a few hours (and more gin than I care to admit) she realized my friends were in fact right, and that I should never dance again. Not in public she says at least. After that night, I told her if she wants to go dancing with her girlfriends I wouldn't have any qualms.
It's hard to say. Recently a friend of mine gave a great answer when asked "What is the one thing you would change about yourself?" Others in the group gave answers of chest, shoulders, arms, gut. However our friend came up with the answer of, "allow myself to embrace adventure, by acknowledging my fears and putting them to rest." And really isn't that we are talking about, putting whatever causes a man to be passive, predictable, and boring, recognizing those traits and putting them to rest. This will allow you to embrace adventure and become that man you want to be. It was such a great answer that I am trying to make it my new credo, cause it fit what I was thinking, but unwilling to acknowledge.
Good answer. I like it.
I hear you - my idea of adventure consists of eating a toasted tuna sandwich with a book on Saturday afternoon, then probably having a nap. This sometimes upsets my wife and makes her worry I'm not interested in adventure or being spontaneous.

The best decision I made which has helped me overcome some of my natural shyness is to work in a very sales-focused role which makes me interact with a large number of people. Forcing myself to pick up the phone or drop by the office and speak with people - sometimes about difficult and very personal topics (e.g. personal finances) - made me realize that much of my shyness and lack of adventure was due to a fear of the unknown. Once I embraced that fear and got past it, I relaxed and (I think) my wife has found me to be much more open to spontaneity.

I'll always be a bit of a stick in the mud, but understanding what portion of that was fear and not genuine character really helped me and my marriage.
I love this topic. I'm writing a blog post about assertiveness. One of the biggest changes a "nice guy" can make is to learn how to be assertive. It changes the way people perceive them. It also teaches them how to take emotional risks which in turn gives them the confidence to do other things they thought they couldn't do before.

RSS

Latest Activity

Will replied to John Bravo's discussion I held out sex for love first....Why is it so hard to find a girl who's done the same?
"Here's how it looks to me.  You had sex with someone you weren't married to.  So you lower the bar to "commitment."  But you weren't committed to her either:  no ring, no vows, no assurance of lifelong…"
8 minutes ago
John Lee Pettimore replied to Andreias's discussion proactively dealing with anger
15 minutes ago
Will replied to Rush's discussion Praying for Wife Material. Selfish Prayer? in the group Christian Men
"It's OK to pray for yourself.  Why not?  However, it's easy to put something you want as something you won't surrender.  If it's become the focus... surrender it!  Surrender is crucial.  God may be…"
22 minutes ago
John Lee Pettimore replied to Josh Billings's discussion Need Some Relationship Advice
"From my good friend Lewis Grizzard (RIP Lewis, I know you loved that game Sat!): A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were…"
26 minutes ago
John Muir replied to Josh Billings's discussion Need Some Relationship Advice
"    So someone who smokes every couple of weeks in a social setting out of town is a pothead?     It's so hard to listen to the opinion of someone who radicalizes the point of view they don't agree with. Is someone who…"
29 minutes ago
Profile IconTom Kenyon and Bill Anderson joined Nolan Poulson's group
Thumbnail

The Barbershop

It's just seems natural that Art of Manliness should have a barbershop group.  My intent of this group is to gather and share general thoughts and experiences concerning barbershops. Anything from a good barbershop that you have found  to pictures and stories of shops you have visited to discussing anything barbershop.  See More
40 minutes ago
Tim Dienes replied to Rush's discussion Praying for Wife Material. Selfish Prayer? in the group Christian Men
"One pastor I knew would encourage such a prayer, but also added that I pray that He would help me become more ready to be a husband, more teh kind of husband He would like for me to be."
49 minutes ago
Curtis replied to Josh Billings's discussion Need Some Relationship Advice
"It's pot, bro, not crystal meth? More to the point, you knew the deal before you got with her.  If you don't like it, that's fair enough - she's not doing it around you, which shows some respect for you at least...and she…"
59 minutes ago

© 2014   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service