Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Will on October 19, 2009 at 10:58am

The best cure for shame is to talk about the shaming incident (with people who are supportive, and especially with those that personally relate) until it's boring. Shame can't stay powerful in the light.

But you didn't say shame; you said insecurity. I think the best cure for that is way too much enthusiastic honoring from other men.

How can we honor you today?

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Permalink Reply by Jack on October 19, 2009 at 1:00pm

I'm sure shame is there, but it's hard for me to discern whether the shame or the insecurity is the true culprit of my woe.

Upon reflection, I like your comment on shame, and how it "can't stay powerful in the light". Could it actually be the same for insecurity as well? Putting it out there, examining it...does it seem as big when you're on that side of the fence?

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Permalink Reply by Will on October 19, 2009 at 5:10pm

I don't know. Telling others my insecurities didn't rob them of their power like telling my shame. These are the things that worked for me in each case.

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Permalink Reply by James! on October 19, 2009 at 11:03am

Try and replace insecurity with humility and modesty. Insecurity is useless unless it is revealing itself as an tiny aspect of one of those two. Self-image is extremely relative so put yourself on the right side of the comparison scale and you are golden. Find a sounding board or mentor that you trust to weigh your decisions against, almost all decisions have some chance of going south with the consequences don't they? You have to accept that you are not in control of everything and at the same time do what you can to tweak the immediate things you can control such as grooming, stature, speech, dress, spirituality, etiquitte, and knowledge of finance. The main blog is full to bursting with entries dedicated to those areas.

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Permalink Reply by Jack on October 19, 2009 at 1:16pm

I have struggled with accepting that I do not have control of many things. I never really saw myself as a control freak - in my mind, those people live under an encouraged delusion because they get their way through intimidation most of the time.

I do agree that things can be done in an effort to engineer more favorable results, though.

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Permalink Reply by Chris on October 27, 2009 at 1:58pm

Jack,

I humbly submit that the only thing you will ever be able to control in the entire universe is: yourself. I have struggled with this for many years, but it does get easier, especially if you remind yourself of it when you are frustrated at the direction of something you are tracking or feel invested in.

Controlling yourself can certainly influence the outcomes of other events and the actions or thoughts of others, but at the end of the day, the only thing that you can do is what you can do.

If you don't already, you might consider volunteering (Brett's recent post on charity work was great). This is a way you can control yourself in a good and positive way, and in doing so both effect the outcomes of others while increasing your self-esteem. It might also help the self-image and second-guessing you indicated were problems.

For example: I work in a hospital, although for the last month I've been more a patient than a computer specialist. Taking the job there a year and a half ago made me a completely different man for the better. I use my skills to keep workstations running, which helps the doctors and nurses (indirectly) get the patients better and home faster. My infrequent depression has all but disappeared, and I go home at the end of every day knowing I've helped someone in a meaningful way.

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Permalink Reply by Yankee Cowboy Bob on October 19, 2009 at 12:14pm

You have some good information already, but my philosophy is that everyone is entitled to my opinion. At least it does not cost you anything.

But first, a Rodney Dangerfield moment on a related topic. I told my psychiatrist about my inferiority feelings. He said that I really am inferior. Was that good for a smirk or a smile? Hope so.

One helpful bit is to actually list things that you have done. I'm not talking about saving your company millions of dollars or curing a disease, but even the little things. For me, I think I saved a life once. At least, prevented serious injury for that frail old lady on a London bus. That is the only big thing I can think of. Lots and lots of smaller things, though.

In my "Blog Post" entry on "Operation New Man", I mentioned how I am getting things taken care of that I had been putting off. I'm carrying around a small notebook to jot down every little "to do" thought that comes to mind, large or small, then later putting it into a calendar or something. I found that it helps my inferiority and insecurity by actually checking off things as "completed". If they're not completed, they have target dates. If they do not have target dates, that is by design because of the nature of the task.

As far as decisions, I suggest that you get out of a habit of second-guessing yourself. Ha, I see it in your eyes, I was right. (And you thought I didn't know Jack.) Guys like us do that stuff. It is torment! Also, it serves no purpose. Go through a good decision-making process and then live with the results. If things do not go well, then pay attention and learn from it. Grow.

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Permalink Reply by Jack on October 19, 2009 at 1:06pm

I stand guilty as charged (of the offense that is second-guessing).

I like the idea of the small notebook, too - to be able to cross each item off, then potentially being able to look back through the book to see what all has been accomplished.

We men should all dedicate our lives to that last word in your reply - it should be our never-ending aspiration to grow.

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Permalink Reply by Yankee Cowboy Bob on October 19, 2009 at 1:12pm

This picture and topic bit was a bit of a hit, and may be useful now:
http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/aspire-to-greatness

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Permalink Reply by Jack on October 19, 2009 at 1:17pm

It is terribly apropos.

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Permalink Reply by Dave Kerwin on October 19, 2009 at 4:14pm

Jack, I wish there was a simple answer, but there is not. Can you give us a little history on your life and how you became insecure?

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Permalink Reply by Jack on October 19, 2009 at 4:19pm

Well, I believe one thing that might shed some light is that my father, who didn't make any time for me growing up, was a bit of a narcissist (in the psychological sense) and my self-image suffered a lot for it.

I got a lot of all-or-nothing messages from my parents (usually the "all" from my mother and the "nothing" from dad).

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