In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?

I saw this on reddit a while ago, and it seems like a perfect conversation piece for this site. So, gentlemen, which president is your money riding on?

The rules:

- Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDR’s polio) remain.

- The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the [1] Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.

-Each president has been given one standard-issue [2] Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife [3] presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.

- There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.

- FDR has been outfitted with a [4] Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.

- Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account.

- Alliances are allowed.

Views: 558

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Andrew Jackson.

For me, it's a tossup between him and Teddy Roosevelt. Lincoln might have a shot, too. He's got a definite reach advantage.

Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.



My money's on the terrifying William Henry Harrison.

Oddly interesting question.  I'd give odds to Jackson, T.R., Grant, Ike, or Kennedy.  Slightly worse odds on G.H.W. Bush, Hayes, Harrison, McKinley, Arthur, Washington, and Garfield.  Outside chance on LBJ, Lincoln, or GW Bush.  Those three don't have a lot of combat experience, but they seemed like tough SOBs.


I have a feeling Clinton, J.Adams, Carter, FDR, Obama, Harding, Nixon and Ford would be the early casualties.  Kinda picturing that scene from The Hunger Games movie, where a bunch of little kids are massacred right at the beginning of the fight.


I hear Lincoln was actually quite a brawler during his heyday, so he has some combat experience (even if it's just fist fighting, which is still pretty applicable here). Let's also not forget that book (and it's horrible film adaptation) in which he hunts vampires. Based on a true story, so I hear.

Honestly, my odds are on Teddy Roosevelt. The guy got shot in an assassination attempt during a speech once and still continued speaking for about 90 minutes or so before seeking any medical attention. Definitely manly.

I have an image in my head of Clinton using his fisted thumb combo to unsuccessfully fend off a knife coming at him. Meanwhile O can't even finishing stuttering out a single word before he goes down. In all fairness I think Al-Gore-bot 2000 should be able to participate in this brawl.

I would move Ford up with LBJ and Lincoln, then maybe drop Kennedy down a rung

My money's on Teddy Roosevelt or Jackson too, because they had actual combat experience.

Eisenhauer, despite being nominally a military man, did not have credible combat experience as far as I am aware; he had "connections" and a taste for fine living.

Grover Cleveland was a sheriff. Not sure how much fighting that entails; probably not all that much. But he was one of the few presidents to ever personally dispatch another man. Hanged two men. Jackson killed a man in a duel. Most presidents seem to have little qualms over killing, but most did not do the dirty work themselves. Kennedy personally ordered the assassination of Ngo Dinh Diem but was quite the little mafia princeling himself.

Lincoln not a credible contender despite being one of the most ruthless. I suspect stories of his fighting prowess are in fact legendary. He was very tall and very skinny; many doctors suspect Marfan syndrome which would have left him with detached retinas and a bad ticker. One of the first casualties I think, along with some of the pampered princelings mentioned.

There was a story in Teddy's biography about him leaping off a horse and knifing a mountain lion. My money would be on him or maybe Andrew Jackson. I'm guessing once the rules were explained they'd be the first to accept it and start killing.

Teddy, by far. biggest badass commander in cheif.


Lincoln. Didn't ya'll see the way he went through those vampires? 


Latest Activity

Sir replied to Steve Dallas's discussion Political Godwin
"This isn't political, but I suspect it's going to be.  I'd prefer it be on TGD for that reason, but I won't close it until it goes there. I think you're looking for "monomaniac.""
11 minutes ago
Regular Joe replied to John Muir's discussion Should the US Apprehend and Execute Robert Snowden? in the group The Great Debate
16 minutes ago
John Muir replied to John Muir's discussion Donald Trump Is A Greedy, Creepy, Ignorant Jerk in the group The Great Debate
"But the sad thing is, a LOT of the voting public is stuck in the Cold War, too.... reference the reaction the word "socialist" elicits..."
16 minutes ago
Regular Joe replied to Steve Dallas's discussion Political Godwin
""Is there a specific term for when people do this political godwin?" Yes. It's called "being on the internet".  "Do you have any times when you notice that people can't help themselves(any online Newspaper…"
21 minutes ago
Shane replied to John Muir's discussion Donald Trump Is A Greedy, Creepy, Ignorant Jerk in the group The Great Debate
"She's stuck in the Cold War. She's smart, but has zero intention of doing anything for America and her foreign policy is straight out of Reagan's playbook. Carson has tanked, no longer a prospect."
21 minutes ago
Regular Joe replied to Jimmy Morang's discussion Leggings/Tights for Men
""First of all they're compression pants not tights haha."  They're not necessarily compression pants. Some of these types of garments are only to retain heat; not for compression. Others are worn for hygiene /…"
22 minutes ago
Regular Joe replied to Jimmy Morang's discussion Leggings/Tights for Men
"I wear something similar for martial arts and sometimes around the house for recovery purposes but I'd never wear them in public.  If men want to wear that stuff in public then so be it but I don't think it's a particularly good…"
25 minutes ago
Specs replied to Jimmy Morang's discussion Leggings/Tights for Men
"First of all they're compression pants not tights haha.  Second athletic stuff should only be worn while doing athletic stuff ONLY. No exceptions whatsoever. If your friend is wanting to lounge around in pants he needs to get some comfy…"
32 minutes ago

© 2015   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service