As I was growing up I was loved very deeply and very much, I was very lucky to have the family I have. But nothing is perfect. I wasn't given everything I wanted, I wasn't spoiled in that regard. However, all of my shortcomings, all my failings, excuses were made for. When I was challenged, I would quit rather than rise to it. Somewhere very far back, I never had the impression that I had to rise to challenges, rather I had to bend to the will of some sort of fate. And when things didn't turn out my way it was all the world conspiring against me. Even now, as I spoke about something in the recent past that had an unpleasant result, I was victimized rather than it being recognized that I had made mistakes and was responsible for my own behavior, actions, and choices. This did go beyond my better judgment and I did internally accept what I needed to but it is still the message sent that bothers me.
This not only translates as being out of control of my emotions, surroundings, moods, and activities... It also translated to finding it very difficult to adapt and adjust to things. For instance, when I was job hunting about a year ago, my resume and cover letter, looked juvenile, the emails I was sending out had grammatical errors and all were riddled with problems. When I didn't get jobs, instead of adjusting my approach, improving the way I presented myself, I felt sorry for myself and made excuses as to why they weren't choosing me. It took my current girlfriend looking over it and letting me know how ridiculously unprofessional my information was to get me to learn to adjust the way I present myself. It seems like at every turn, where there is a challenge, I seem to have a tendency to give up rather than adapt. It's not that I don't want to adapt but I tend to not even realize that is what I have to do. I've just learned to accept that the world is against me rather than making things work for me. That make sense?
Further, my relationships have failed and failed for the same reasons. I get lazy, needy, clingy, comfortable, and complacent. As things spiral downward, rather than taking the necessary steps to make myself happy, I victimized myself and blamed the other. I've been stopping this, but I still get phases. They happen anywhere from 4 days apart to 2 weeks apart.
I've been doing what I can to control my moods better and recognize that I am the one who has them, and that I can control them. I'm finished being a drain, I'm ready to be a support, and I am ready to be an adult. I'm just not really sure how. I have made the commitment to myself that I will rise to challenges, fight what I need to fight, let go of what I need to let go of and adapt myself while maintaining integrity and dignity. It's just that, rather than it being something I know how to do from situation to situation, I have needed to learn it in every individual situation. I feel like it's a learned skill that many have that I haven't developed, and I need to know it in order to progress.
I feel like I not only have to work twice as hard to be grown up, but that I have little to no skill in reading situations, coming to solutions, and resolving issues in nearly most contexts. It's not an excuse necessarily, but I feel so much that I have to be shown everything in every situation and I'm getting tired of having to be taught every minute detail. I want to be able to learn from context, but I can't seem to seeing as I've not quite learned to learn. I want to learn to learn, I want to develop and I want to not just take responsibility, not just rise to the challenge, but grow strong and face adversity rather than give up.
Thanks in advance for all the advice, I hope I didn't come of as whiny or anything. I just really want this and am not sure how to get it.
Drop by AoM group New Warriors; sounds like you crave a grounding in adult integrity.
Brett has some articles on the main site on this.
And from me personally: got any specific goals, esp. somewhat short term? You could make some goals that are SMART (google it) and report to a friend how it goes.
Thanks for your response. I'm looking for that exactly! But I am relatively certain there's more than just integrity here. I mean, I feel very behind. I need some meta-integrity.
Yes, I understand.