So it's been six weeks since i posted this:

And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much. 

I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?

I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?

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Why don't you explore those memories? When did you become dependent on her? Why is this connection so much a part of your being?
Hard to tell. Our relationship started badly, it was bad and it ended badly. I should never have gotten involved with her in the first place but the feeling that someone show interest in me and wanted to be with me was too good I guess. Before I met her I was pretty much just sitting at home alone and it doing much, I started studying after several years of being home because of anxiety and depression and I met her and it all felt so good. But she was with another guy, on the weekends, I was the backup on the weekdays and I should have just ended it right away but I was stupid and overlooked all the warning signs... Now i pay the price, I got dependent on being with someone, I feel like I can't be happy alone and I guess that's the main issue.
Go cocoon mode.
What does that mean?
Dive into yourself. Don't go out. Dont log in to chat rooms or forum boards. Don't do anything except work on you. Start lifting and eating right. Learn everything you can about exercise and nutrition. Take the nofap challenge. When you've learned to control your body, learn to control you. Dedicate each day to a different self improvement subject. Fashion. Sex. Finances. Communications. Employability. Spirituality. Do the 30 day AOM challenge. When you can control your self, take classes to improve your skill sets. Enter a sprint triathlon or a fun mudder. Take a cooking class. Dedicate time to improving your mind. Study art and history and philosophy. Stretch yourself. Get out of your comfort zone. Take a gun class or skydiving. When you're ready, emerge reborn.

It sounds like something good to do but i just don't have the power. I feel so weak, tired and i just work and when i come home i just walk around waiting for time to pass, waiting for the pain to go away but it never does. Everything reminds me of her and it's like i have forgotten all the bad stuff and only the good remains. I really don't have any idea where to go from here or what to do. I feel so lost. Yesterday i drank alot, i walked around alot, i visited old places where we had memories and i just walked around crying my eyes out. I almost ended up outside her house but i didn't. I hate that my apartment reminds me of her so much, i hate that the city reminds me of her and even my work reminds me of her. I can't walk past the doorway where i talked to her the last time before the end without getting shivers. I just can't get over her and it's killing me, it really is. 

I just can't understand how everything we promised eachother, how everything we said and how much we loved eachother could just disappear.

Sounds like time for a shift.  Here are some ideas:

* Read up on depression, or consult a professional.  Does it describe you well?  I know there are commonalities in grief and depression, but grief is situation-driven and fades (IDK how long it will take) and depression stays around

* Blank Anonymous (not substance-based unless that drinking is getting out of hand:  ACOA, CoDA, somethign) can get you talking about it

* Talk to someone, professional or not, who knows how to listen w/o fixing but -- not being caught in your issue himself -- can be a challenge to the part of you that thinks you've experienced an eternal catastrophe, or whatever it thinks

* As others suggest:  what is the meaning of your life?  What is your mission?  It's a sure bet it's not "grieve forever over a breakup."  What is your call, and how will you follow it?

Yeah, i've been depressed in the past and this is it. I feel like nothing really matters anymore and that everyone i love will eventually leave or die so i'll just be left all alone in the end anyways. My anxiety has always been there but the depression comes and goes and now it's full blown. I'm impressed by myself that i manage to work. But i guess the kids give me some joy and that means alot to me.

I live in a small town so i'm not sure there's any group for this. I guess i'll look it up.

I talked to my psychatrist and all she said this will pass. It's natural to feel like this and it will go over. But yeah, it's been almost four months by now and all i can think about is her and how much i miss her. I even miss getting yelled at and i know it's so fucking disturbed it's not even funny but i guess i'm pretty messed up.

I don't really have any meaning, i never thought about it that way. I have just gone with the flow sorta... But my dream is to have a family of my own and i'm soon 30 so it feels like that will never happen... And i enjoy doing what i do work wise, i enjoy helping kids who has issues. It gives me some sort of meaning since i've been there myself, being way worse than i am now and i know it gets better even if it's never gets good... So yeah. I really don't know. 

Right now i'm stuck in this loop, longing for what i had, wishing to turn back the time and make it right but i know i couldn't since i wasn't the problem, she was... I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and i feel like like the final exit is just around the corner really because i will never find what i seek and what i want in this poor excuse of a life. I hate that i even got involved with her in the first time, I should have stayed away because in the end it would've been the easy way... She fucked me up so badly and i hate for that even tho i still love her to death and if she would contact me and ask me to try again i would do it without even blinking and it scares me because my mind and my heart is clearly not connected.

I hate myself, i'm a failure really, i've struggled with this shit since i was seven years old and what the fuck is up with that? What did i do to deserve to be like this? My whole life's been pain and shit and i'm so sick and tired of it all. I'm sick of seeing all the happy people. For instane, i saw a couple buying plants and flowers the other day and i thought to myself, i will never be that guy, i will never be the guy with the girl who goes shopping for plants and flowers for their house, i will never be that and it kills me. Why can't i be that? Why can't i be the guy who gets a wonderful wife and beutiful kids with a house and a garde to plant stupid flowers in? I know i will never be that. It's like my destiny is suicide, it's like that's my meaning with this bullshit hand i got delt in life and i don't want it to be like this. I want to be happy, i want a wife and a family... But that's not my destiny, my destiny is to die alone and pathetic and it's so hard to accept it but i know that's all i will ever get in this god damned piece of shit world. I hate myself and i hate almost everyone in this disgusting world... I wish i was never even borned. I wish my mother found the happiness she wanted when she was young but she didn't and got stuck with my father and it makes me so sad... My mother is a angel who deserves the best this world has to offer but she didn't get it and that's bullshit. 

I'm so sorry for everything, i'm sorry for bothering all of you for this long in this forum... I should never have started this or any other topic, i should never even have gotten myself into this fucking situation and i should have killed myself a long fucking time ago but i couldn't do that to my mother... I live for her and for the few people who gives a shit about my fat piece of shit ass. But all i've ever been is a big disapointment to everyone. Maybe everyone would be better off without me in this miserable world. 

I'm sorry. Please forgive me everyone...

"This is [depression]" -- yep, truer words have never spoken.  It's like depression's in charge and is writing your post for you.

I'm going to reply more later, but in the meantime:  psychiatrist's right (it will pass) and you're right (it's horrible right now).  Depression's wrong ("life is always awful, nothing will ever get better") because it's telling you nothing will ever change.  I was clinically depressed for a decade largely because I knew I would never have a woman in my life.  Had good reason to think so, based on my experience up to that point.  I'm married and we got 2 wild children in the house.  Depression lies.

Well, I am replying again as promised, but that's still mostly what I had to say:  that I am seeing how depression is lying to you as it did to me.  "Never" my ass.  I wasn't the one who would never get the girl because I had one and she was crazy and we broke up.  I was the one who wd never get the girl because I couldn't handle being that close.

And now, I have.  Wife, kids, house, and sure enough, the stupid flower bed.

Before I got there, I had to give up on it, accept that I cd live with never being in a loving relationship (before I got into one, I mean).  YMMV.

I was drinking when i wrote this message and i guess alot of the underlying stuff that really bothering me came up because i remember sitting at my computer typing this and just crying my eyes out, i also wrote apologize-letters to two of my exes when i was young, one's dead but her facebook is still active so i wrote to her, i also wrote to the girl who broke my heat before this one broke it again telling her i was sorry i was young and stupid and neglected her. I guess alcohol did help me some because after that night and after writing all these stuff it feels a little better, far from good, but atleast a little better. I know it won't probably last but i'll take it. 

I really appreciate that you and everyone else take time to write to me, it means alot. 

But yeah, i'm in line to see a therapist at the moment and get some Cognitive behavioral therapy, i'm looking forward to that and i feel like it's really my last shot at getting help and i feel good about it and i really hope it will help me.

I've had anxiety and depression on and off since i was 7 years old and it was at it's worst when i was around 13-14, i couldn't leave my room for a year. I've been on lots of meds during the years but i've been off all meds for over a year now and it works, even if this break up made me really really depressed and sad with alot of anxiety in the beginning, now the anxiety is gone, it's just depression and this general sadness over not being with the good version of her, the part of her that i loved so much, the part of her that i could see myself spending my life with. But i also try to remember the bad part of her, the version of her that was around 90% of the time, the controlling, the lying, the manipulating, the cheating, the abuse, the yelling.

When I went through my divorce many years ago, one of the things that helped me with all the negativity that flooded inside me was pouring it out on paper.  I would visit a coffee shop near my dilapidated house (this was all way before Starbucks and coffee popularity), settle down with a bottomless cup of coffee and just free-write.  Get it all out.  Write it all down.  Move all that baggage from your head onto paper.  You'll still have it, but you will be able to set it aside instead of carrying it with you everyday.  One day you can go back over it all, and realize how much you have grown and moved past all the pain you now possess. 


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