So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...

And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much. 

I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?

I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?

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Yet another update.

I relapsed. Or something. I contacted her. Stupid move one might think but i think it actually helped me gain a bit more emotional seperation. I asked her if we could talk, and she asked about what so i told her that i wanted to talk about us and how i wanted to get closure so we both could move on. She asked me if i've met somebody new, i said no. She then said something like that i'm probably on Tinder looking for hookups. I found it amusing since i know she's on Tinder and i've not been on Tinder at all. A friend told me she was on there. So i said no and then asked her about Tinder and that a friend told me she was on there, she denied it. I mean, he showed me her profile but she kept denying and lying. 

Anyway. Today on my way home from work i saw her with another guy, and i know who this guy is. He's in his 50s and my ex is 20. At first i got really mad, so i called a friend to vent, it was a good call to be honest, i just said everything i felt and during this call it started to hail. It was kinda funny, i was walking there, talking to my friend and being mad and the sky opened up and it just started to hail like crazy. It felt like a special moment. My anger calmed down and i started to think. Why should i be sad over this? Why should i chase after her when all she ever does is lie and cheat and abuse me? And i shouldn't. I should move on, working on myself, trying to better for me and not for someone else. I know it will be hard so i would really like some tips on how to do this, how do i become better? How do i start enjoying being by myself and change my mindset about that i can only be happy when i'm with somebody. I need to become comfortable with myself, loving myself as Salt Dragon said, but i need some pointers on how to get there.

I know i will fall back down, i know this feeling of "i'm done and i will move on now" won't last, for now. I know i will be sad and i know i will miss her but now i know for sure that the girl i fell in love with and loved so much is gone. I don't recognize who she has become now. Or maybe it's the exact same person but back then i was just blinded by love, or blinded by being with someone.

Anyway, i know that i will fall back down again. But i know i won't fall as hard and i know i won't fall for long. I know i will feel sad and angry but i know it will become less intense over time, it already has from the first weeks to now. I know i will miss her, but i will also know that she's gone or that she never really existed in the first place. I have to believe that i will find love again, even if it might take some time. There has to be someone out there for me, someone who will love me as much as i love her, who will support me instead of compete with me, someone who won't get jealous over good things that happens to me, someone who doesn't abuse me mentally or physically. But for now, i will try to improve myself and i will start with my work, trying to be better each day at helping them. That's my goal for now.

What would you be doing if you had "moved on"? How would you act? How would you speak to the girl that left? Or, would you at all? Where would you go? Who would you see? Who would you ask out? What would you think about? What would you read? What skills would you acquire? What would you change about yourself?

Then ... act as if. Act as if you had moved on. Pretend. Fake it. Decide what kind of man you would be if you had moved on ... then act like that man, even if you don't feel like it. Eventually, your mind will catch up.

With regard to the fear of being alone -- you have two avenues, both of which you need to explore. Learn that you're OK alone ... and learn that you can snag another girl. You ought to face both fears. Head on.

Find fulfillment without a girl. Learn new skills. Take-up new hobbies. Make new friends. Whatever. Learn independence, stability, self-sufficiency, comfort in your own skin. Incidentally ... women like that kind of guy. Women want to be wanted by a guy that is functional without her.

And, ask girls out. Not one, specifically. Several. More than several. Not because you need to have one around, but because you have something to offer. Figure out that there is more than one out there, so not to take one rejection as if it's the end of the world. It's not. There are other girls. Better girls. Find them.

JB

Update:

It's been a while now and i think i've finally come to terms with that i will never get "closure" and i will have to make my own. Talking to her was a big mistake, even tho i felt like i could just forget her after seeing her with a 30 year older man that wasn't the case. 

Anyway, i deleted her on Facebook and i the last couple days i've felt better even tho i still miss "her", i know i don't really miss her, i only miss the idea of her, the person i thought she was, the few good parts of our relationship and so on. 

I know i will be Ok even if it's hard. The roughest part is being alone and the fear of never meeting someone new. But i will try to put that aside and focus on myself. 

Good!  It sounds like you are making progress on this, Conor.  It is a process and will take time, but it sounds like you are doing well.

You guys must be so tired of my whiny ass by now but i just feel like i need to write out my thoughts and feelings.

It's been over 3 months now and my mood and feelings going up and down like the bumpiest roller coaster ever. I don't know what's wrong with me, i can go from feeling like everything will be OK to being furious and then sad like hell. I've started drinking, i never drank before and now i drink every other day because when i'm somewhat buzzed i don't feel the same sadness, i don't miss her as much. But then reality catches up and everything is the same. The only other thing in my life that brings me happiness is my work, to work with these kids and feel like i do a difference is a big help but that's just 8 hours a day. 

I hate that i feel so much. I've gone from missing her to hating her to missing her and feeling sorry for her and blaming myself for stuff that happened. And that's what's killing me right now, i feel so fucking sad because i feel like it's all my fault even tho i know it isn't my fault, i didn't make her do all the crazy shit she did, i didn't ask to be abused. But know i start questioning myself, blaming myself, that maybe if i didn't do that or that it would have turned out different, maybe i pushed her buttons, maybe i did shit subconsciously to get a reaction and i just want to tell her that i'm sorry for everything that went wrong even tho it wasn't my fault. My mind and my heart is in a constant battle. I still love her and i can't see myself with anyone else, i got too attached, like i always do and now i pay the prize. 

I talked to my doctor about this and all she said was that it will start to feel better, it just takes time. But 3 months and now i feel like i'm back to what it felt like week 1. Just so much sadness. 

I'm sorry for my rambling, i just wish it would all end.

It is rough.  My 2 cents:

1) I think the drinking is a bad idea.  It numbs the pain temporarily, but doesn't actually fix the problem.  And it can lead to other problems, especially if you make big decisions under the influence.

2) I think talking to people is a good idea.  I am not a psychologist or anything like that, but I think one thing you need it to hear other people tell you that you've made the right choice and that it isn't your fault.  You are having that argument with yourself over and over - let someone else into the argument to help back up the part of you that is right.

It isn't your fault that she made bad choices and treated you poorly.  You are right to not stay in the abusive and manipulative situation.  It isn't your responsibility, nor is it in your power, to fix her or to save her from herself.  And jumping back into the quick sand will not help either one of you.

You've got 8 out of 24 hours sorted out with your work.  Sleep should take another 8 hours.  Find something positive to fill the other 8 hours - preferably involving good and supportive friends.

I never drank before and now i've been drinking every day the past week and the thing is i don't actually feel any better while drunk, i'm still sad and angry so i don't really know why i drink.

I've always had a hard time with seperations, so i think this is just who i am, i can't handle when people leave or when things end. I get so used to having people around and when they leave i get lost or something and when it's a girlfriend i've been with almost every day for over a year it's all those feeling overdrive and i just break down and it takes forever to get back. 

I've been trying to tell myself, and others have said it aswell, that i wasn't really in love with her, i was in love with the idea of being in love and i wish that was true, i wish i didn't actually love her but the idea of meeting someone else just isn't there. Even tho she treated me like shit our whole relationship, something was there, something special and i know i sound like a complete moron saying that because she abused me alot or maybe this is what it's like to have been in a abusive relationship and getting out of it. Maybe this is what everyone who's been abused in a relationship feels like. I mean, people stay with people who abuse them all the time, people stay with people who actually beat the living crap out of them. My case is a mild case in comparison. Maybe this is just how it is and how it has to be until my heart catches up to my mind and the reality beats out the feelings and the memories i see with rose coloured glasses.

These feelings insist on being felt.  Sorry that they're so awful.

Sorry buddy but you have to never talk to her or see her again in order to forget and move on. One of the hardest things that a guy has to do. But this is just driving you toward a place you don't want to go. I can feel your pain just reading your comments. I hope you are getting profession help if you can. Nothing un-manly about that. We all can use a little help sometimes. Good luck.

I've been trying really hard. I haven't spoken to her for over a month now and i always seem to run into her when i'm out. It's like the universe fucks with me and every time i see her i fall deeper down this black hole. I'm on the waiting list to see a therapist so hopefully i will get to see one in the near future. Thank you.

Get out and do some fun activities with other people, even if you don't feel like it. Friends are your best tool, use them to help keep you accountable. It's easy to slip back into what you know and have a past with. I'm sure your friends will be more than willing to help you out. Show your brain that life will carrying on and be great without her. When you start thinking about her look at the scar and use it to remind yourself of why you felt the need to leave. Also, try to detach the memories from the emotions.

I'm trying to do this but it's hard. All my friends either have families or live far away so i can't see them so often and i've been trying to do fun stuff but so much reminds me of her that it's hard to do certain things. Every place around here has some connection to her. I'm trying to detach the memories from the emotions but it's very very hard, my mind seems to ignore all the bad stuff she did to me.

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