So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...
And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much.
I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?
I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?
I'm so fucking sick of myself, i don't know where to go or what to do. Why am i so weak? Why can't i see myself without her? Why can't i see myself with someone else? Fuck. I thought i was better after the weekend, but i am clearly not. I can't function properly, my mind is always somewhere else and my focus is non existent, i came home after work and started crying, again. Why does she have this power over me, why can't i break free from her? I have a constant knot in my gut and i don't want to feel like this anymore. Seven weeks now, and i still feel like shit...
Conor, 7 weeks. It's been too long to suffer that hard for that long.
Seriously, it's time to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Get an appointment with a psychiatrist (or at least see your medical doctor for depression and anxiety help). While you wait for the appointment, start counseling with a psychologist.
Seriously: you KNOW this is more than average. Therefore, you really need antidepressants and/or antianxiety medication. The depth of emotions and dysfunction you have is bad enough to need them. Along with the meds, though, you also need to work with a therapist for a while to retrain your patterns of thought. When you've retrained your patterns of thought, you can stop going to therapy. I suspect, though, you will need meds for the rest of your life (don't fret, I will be using antidepressants my entire life, as well). They will help you be in control of your thoughts and in control of your feelings so that you can be more competent and less whiny.
I'm actually waiting for a time to see my doctor, i did get a time but i couldn't go that early because of work.
I've been on meds before, alot of different kinds and i never actually felt that any of them helped me much, i was on Prozac for years but when i started studying a couple of years back i just couldn't eat them because they made it impossible to concentrate, since then i've tried some other kinds like but they didn't do anything really, one kind made me very angry.
I've talked to my psychatrist about this before that i feel that they don't help me and that i wanted to try other kinds but she adviced against it since most of the ones i have yet to try causes weight gain and i'm pretty big as it is.
This time of year is always the worst for me, but soon spring will come and i know i will feel better. I guess, in some way, my underlying anxiety disorder manifests itself thru this heartache now.
But i will talk to my doctor and ask for advice and i will tell her that i really need someone to talk to. But i'm skeptic about meds, maybe i will try the ones i have now again and stick to them longer and see if they maybe help. I have Buspirone and Bupropion at my disposal at the moment, i might go with Buspirone since i have tried Bupropion for some time before and didn't notice much.
It feels good to be able to write here tho and i think it has helped me some.
My ex was similar to yours. I remember when she started sleeping on the couch and I understood that she had to come back to me (or not) on her terms. I let her sleep there for several weeks and after 7 years of marriage it was painful to be alone. My body went through a physical withdrawal process similar to some kind of a drug addiction, but it helped me to detach from her and be prepared for her serving me papers for divorce. Yes, love is a drug that makes and beaks your world. Go through your withdrawal, mourn your loss as a death and consider her the walking dead should you have to see her. It all sucks, it takes time, but it's your path to healing and wholeness.
The best book I read after my break up was The Essential Rumi. Here is one poem which hit me in between the eyes:
Pale sunlight, pale the wall. Love moves away. The light changes. I need more grace than I thought. -Rumi
Otherwise, there's always spit, bate and release.
All shall be well. Good luck.
Thank you, i will look up that book.
Felt the urge to write an update about how i'm doing.
It's still rough from time to time but it feels better most of the time now. I even saw her when i was out the other day and it didn't feel like a punch in the gut like it did before. But sometimes it's rough, like when she post stuff on FB, it feels like some of it is just to "show me" or something, maybe i'm off but she never used to post like that before but now she does. I also wish i could just block her on FB but i guess i'm not there yet. Part of me is still in "waiting mode", like i'm telling myself that she will come back one day but i know that she won't and i know that i shouldn't want that... It's also weird that i feel guilty over stuff, i would like to maybe meet other people but it makes me feel bad because it would hurt her feelings or something.
Last time we talked we decided to not talk for a month, i broke that a couple of days later when i cronfroted her with the other dude. Then i talked to her on the phone and she said to give her a month. We even promised eachother to not be with other people and to wait for eachother. And i'm just really confused since my heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. Even know i'm doing it. I just really can't let go completeley. But i guess a therapist could help me with that and i'm still waiting for a time to see my doc.
But yeah, it's better but still rough. I'm still not ready to let her go and somehow my heart is telling me to give her/us this month and take it from that. My head tells me to just cut my losses but it's hard...
You're doing healthy grief work, owning the process, not making sense of it all, taking one day at a time. All of that is commendable.
You don't need to have all the answers for your head and heart. They're both important and will likely always find something to debate. Your heart informs you of your feelings and values and your head what's workable. Your heart says to give YOU time, take time- Continue to put deadlines down and then reassessing things. Don't let your life become "waiting mode". If you need any support in making decisions, I hope you have a support network (family, friends, counselor, etc.) in the wings ready.
my heart is telling me to give her/us this month and take it from that. My head tells me to just cut my losses but it's hard...
What losses? She cheated on you. She has assaulted you (you still have scars), right?
Relationships don't recover from that stuff generally - particularly if it happens so early. If she'll kick you in front of your parents, she'll stab you in your sleep. No kidding.
Everyone has someone in their life that rips their heart out and stomps on it. Sounds to me like she's yours.
I bet you're really young. I bet this was your first regular sexual partner.
You miss the sex and the relationship, not the woman.
You've got to cut her off, and block her on Facebook. It's been 3 months now. You're on the brink of becoming a stalkier.
I had a similar relationship 20 years ago, and every now and then I get a kick out of looking at her facebook page. You know what? She's the same woman she was. Always posting about drama, and has a slew of kids from several different men. It would have been hard when we broke up if facebook was around, and I'm certain women use it as an emotional weapon - she sounds like she is doing just that.
Block her, shut her out of your life, and I promise in 10 years you'll be looking at her on facebook and thinking to yourself: "Thank GOD I dodged that bullet!"
I agree about FB. She sounds toxic and if she's writing things about you on there, it's better for you not to know.
Sever all ties.
Conor! How are you doing now? Willing to provide another update? Good wishes to you!
Okay, another update.
I guess i'm doing a little bit better. I still feel the pain but it's not as numbing as it was in the beginning, i can function normally while still being sad at times. Last week i broke down crying, first time in a while and i don't really know why. I'm trying to do stuff to keep my mind occupied.
Haven't talked to her in about 3 weeks now, complete silence and yesterday she sent a request to follow me on Instagram, i didn't accept, just letting it sit there for now. The thing that got me good was today when i heard about her having a Tinder account, it made me feel sick to my stomach and alot of the bad feelings came back but they didn't last. I feel very uncomfortable thinking about it and the thought of her with another man makes me feel really bad, i don't know how to get rid of that feeling, how to come to terms with her being with someone else. Even though she put me through some serious shit with both mental and pshycial abuse, with her being unfaithful atleast one time that i know of, parts of me still love her and it scares me.
It scares me that i can love a person who treated me like that for so long. It scares me that even though i tell myself i don't want her back, that it wasn't meant to be, that i'm better off without her, i still probably would take her back without even hesitating if she asked.
And even though i would like to maybe test the waters with others, maybe date and so on, i feel like i'm betraying her... I mean, she's on Tinder and i feel like i'm betraying her by wanting to do the same? I don't know what's up with my mind... I feel like a failure and i feel weak for thinking like this, for feeling like this.
Oh, and i have this urge to write her an email telling, i have written several already but never sent them, trying to write the "perfect" one. But i know it's a bad idea, but somehow it feels good to just write emails to her and never send them.