So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...
And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much.
I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?
I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?
I'm too old to be like this. I feel so god damned pathetic. I'm in my late 20's, i'm ashamed of what i've become, how someone could have this effect on me. I thought of leaving her so many times during our relationship but i always stayed because i really did love and i still do love her. It's just so hard to move on when i'm constantly reminded of her. I really don't know what to do.
Play a sport, bury yourself in work, go out with friends. Live your life.
Late 20s is not too old for anything - most people are still basically a kid at that point (You've only been out on your own for ~10 years ish). You still have to learn how to be with yourself. Work on that, and the rest will follow.
I dunno - this forum is all about self improvement, The Greatest Generation, Roosevelt, Churchill, etc. Men are misguided in allowing themselves a youth that is decades long.
I confess to a similar heartbreak, in my late 30s - so yeah, it can happen at any stage of life. Still, in a teenager we can chalk it up to immaturity; beyond that, we can still chalk it up to immaturity, hence, the shame and embarrassment. And it's doubtful that e.g. Churchill or Roosevelt would indulge themselves like this.
(Have been on a self-improvement jag in the last year, my life being threatened by leukemia, so may be a bit of a hardcase right now.)
I'm not suggesting that it's a good thing, just a fact of life. The crux of my post is that he needs to learn to be happy with/by himself - and not to base his happiness on his relationship status.
Absolutely agree. Assigning someone else the responsibility for our own self-worth is injurious to ourselves, and unfair - even to a noisy harpy who bites.
Shame is a powerful indicator. You're not in agreement with yourself, your soul, your maker (if you're a believer).
I'm a practicing Christian - please don't groan. The Christian response to shame is repentance. Repentance is a positive mechanism to shatter shame and move on from a bad experience. Like any therapist would guide you to do.
Repentance is examining what you have done, understanding that it causes you pain (and why), and finally, committing to another action. (That pain includes being out of step with God; but an atheist surely feels shame as well, when he's out of step with what he knows is right.)
This sounds simplistic, yes. But I'd start by boldly listing "What have I done that shames me?"
Practically speaking - if you pursue this woman any further, it should be to serve her with a restraining order.
...with an awareness that shame doesn't always attack because something shameful was done. People can be ashamed of being fat, thin, short, tall, outgoing, reserved, anything.
Sounds like a cluster of depression to me. "I'm too old to be like this. I feel so god damned pathetic. I'm in my late 20's, i'm ashamed of what i've become, how someone could have this effect on me." Which might be paraphrased as "I'm awful, I'm awful, I'm late 20's, I'm awful, I'm awful." Which is exactly what depression says. I know by experience. You can't easily make it shut up; but you needn't believe it.
Definitely suggest getting that counselor. And other things.
I am not any type of psychiatric professional, so take this as just an opinion.
I think she may be your mental "comfort blanket" for the depression you are in. When I am plagued by the black dog I often "self-medicate" with food. After all, don't we all feel better after a nice burger, fries, and a huge shake? It doesn't actually solve the problem, but it takes the edge off.
I wonder if your brain has picked her, or at least your relationship with her, as the familiar thing to retreat from the depression to. Even though you know it won't actually make things better, and will actually be a bad thing, your brain is seeking SOMETHING as comfort against the depression.
Now, even if I am right about why you are so fixated on her, that doesn't answer the question of what to do about it. But my personal opinion is that many of the suggestions already given may be able to fill that niche. I think that your experiences with seeking alcohol match the same type of need.
But above all, keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing and that whatever past mistakes you may be dealing with do not have to define you are in the future. You may feel "old and stuck" in your late 20's, and I sometimes feel "old and stuck" at 40. But the truth is that both of us have many DECADES ahead of us to grow and change and get better.