So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...

And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much. 

I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?

I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?

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Conor,

I don't check in much these days, but even several members I would normally be in complete disagreement with on most matters have told you pretty well what I'm about to. Let her go. Holding on to her, and the pain, isn't doing anything other than keeping you in a negative place and preventing you from moving on.

It sounds to me as though this young woman already had "issues" present even before you two got together. I speak from experience, but hoping that your love and patience will somehow _save_ or "cure" someone is usually a recipe for heartache. And, disaster. She bit you. Bit you on the hand. To me, that's a total deal-breaker. Nobody is worth all that damn fuss and drama. You have got to start somehow finding a way to remember her with nothing but negative emotions attached or you will keep pining away forever over something that just wasn't going to work. I know you really loved her, and that makes it more difficult to move on. I get that. Been through it before myself. BUT, that doesn't mean that there's not another girl out there much better for you, and that you can't also love with the same intensity again. You can.

I have been divorced for years now, and dated only sparsely after becoming single again. At one stage, I had even reckoned on being a bachelor for the rest of my days. I'm now in the happiest, most satisfying relationship I've ever had. You CAN be happy single, and the old saying is true. You can't really love someone until you learn to love yourself (I don't mean conceit) first. Stop hinging your worth on whether you're paired up, or not. You have too much intelligence to buy into that.

Don't let the negativity and depression sabotage you. If it helps, keep a journal to sort out your emotions and organize your thoughts. You're too young and have to much of life ahead to let this situation get the better of you. I know you can move on to better times ahead, and I wish you all the very best.

Thank you. That's what's so messed up with me, i'm still holding on and i can't seem to let go, i somehow still hope she will come back and it's pretty disturbed. She treated me so poorly and right now i would take her back without even blinking. I don't why, it's like my mind and heart is not connected at all and that i somehow think everything would be different but it wouldn't and even if it was to be better, all the baggage would just hunt me forever. She still lied to me alot and cheated on me and abused me, there's no future to build with a person who has done that to me. So i agree that i have to let her go, i just need to make my heart get it aswell...

Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me hope even if it feels dark for me. I've always had a hard time getting girls, especially when i got older. When i was 18-25ish it seemed so much easier, it was easy to date online when it was kinda "new" and there was communities for special interests instead of Facebook where you can't just go to a random girl you find interesting and start a conversation. And Tinder doesn't really work for me since it's mostly for hook ups and i'm not into that. Meeting girls out is hard aswell since there's no natural meeting place for me.

I will try to keep strong and get through this, thank you again for your words. It means alot that so many of you take your time and write with me. It helps. 

Haven't been in your exact situation but I do know what its like to feel like you'll be single the rest of your days.

I was painfully shy & suffered from social anxiety (still do) and thought I'd never find anyone but I did.

Yeah you feel shit now but it will pass, concentrate on yourself for now but when the time comes and you feel ready to start dating again, you will find someone at some point.

You obviously put alot of love, energy and emotion into the relationship. Wait and find a lady who deserves it. One who deserves you won't put you through this kind of shit.

Thank you, i really hope to find that special one that makes everyone else disappear into the background. I will do my best to concentrate on myself and get better and as i said above i will get help eventually by a therapist and i think that will make some of this better. 

It's been over 4 months now, still feels like yesterday all of the shit went down that eventually lead to her leaving me. I still have a really hard time and i still miss being with her, it's really tough.

The roughest part that i struggle with is that i can't really grasp how i one day could be the most important person in her life and then the next i wasn't worth anything. All the promises we made meant nothing to her while they meant everything to me. I have such a hard time with everyday life it's becoming laughable, i have went thru many different stages... In the beginning i cried at work, i locked myself in a bathroom and cried, then when i got home i was out walking for 12+ miles a day, every evening. This "phase" lasted for 1-2 months. After that i started drinking, i never drank before but the pain was too much so i turned to alcohol. I was drunk every evening for 2 weeks. I went to work, got home and drank, went to bed and then repeated that every day for 2 weeks. Now i drink on weekends only, sometimes on weekdays but very rarely. I still walk around almost every day, just walking past parts of the city that reminds me of the time we spent together and it's hard. This saturday i was drunk and walked around, missing her so much i just cried my eyes out while walking. 

I'm scared of myself. I can't control myself and when i'm in these "zones" of sadness i walk around hoping to run into her, just to see her, like that would make it better somehow. I still have this insane hope inside that it will work out, that she will come back, that she will realize we were meant to be together. And that scares me aswell. How weak and pathetic am i that i would even want to be with someone who treated me like that? 

Hey Connor, it doesn't sound like you were the most important person in her life. It sounds like she was the most important person in her life. You sound like you have a lot of love to give. Take time to heal and go get yourself a nice girl, you deserve it bro.

Thank you, thinks are actually starting to look up even tho i miss her alot now and then. But it comes in waves now, it's not always there like it was before. 

Probably my last update.

Things are getting better now, a lot of stuff seems like they are falling in place and it feels good. I got extansion at work for the next year which feels really nice and it kinda validates me that i do something right. I've started hanging our with new people, been out partying etc, met up with old friends and it feels good, it feels like i can do this and that i have something to offer others. 

But yeah, i still miss her from time to time and it still hurts, but it comes in waves so that's good. Hopefully it will continue to get better and better and soon i can think of her without sadness or anger and just appreciate the good moments we had and appreciate that she did me a favor going away because of the way she abused me. 

I also want to thank you all for being so kind to me and replying and giving me your advice and so on. It really means alot, so thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

Worth pointing out that, lonliness isn't "love", it's just selfishness disguised as love.

From you post you say she's essentially objectively awful and doesn't love you, so of course what you're describing isn't "love", as there's no mutuality in it.

It's rather just an issue of low self-esteem and feeling that "having anybody is better than having nobody at all", rather than anything that's actually genuinely about "her" - you could replace her with a million other equally undesirable people and you'd feel exactly the same way.

So the solution I see would be to improve your self-esteem and find a more genuine purpose in your life, and learn more about what actual love is, because actual of is not mere "desperation" and such a lack of self respect that one would date the Devil just to avoid the selfish fear of "being alone".

I believe it was George Washington who said that it's better to be alone than in the company of bad people.

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