So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...
And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much.
I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?
I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?
Thanks for the update. Im impressed by your openness and the level of care and concern in this community. You're not alone, man. You're making progress. The best is not letting yourself engage with her, not giving away your power. If you write her you write yourself, but you're not sending anything and that's key.
You are learning to disengage your thoughts of love and intimacy from her. Love starts with yourself and your community. That's why helping others is so important to you. Giving yourself affirmations that you are 100% complete, loveable, loved and loving makes you your own better half. That's huge. Then you can start engaging again. Focus on being loving and kindness. That is the language of your heart and can apply to something as simple as holding a door open or letting someone cut in ahead of you on the road.
As far as relationships and defining "another" relationship, let it go for now and keep on focusing on your relationship with yourself. That is what will see you through and the rest is just all timing and circumstance.
If you could also try to forgo your digital life in favor of more analog life, that will also serve you. You need real authentic people with eyeballs and compassion, and focusing on other little realities like Tindr accounts won't serve you. Let them go. Lead with your hear and even your anxiety; continue to show up and know that all shall be well.
No problem, i feel like there will be more updates in time. And thank you for your kind words and thank you and everyone else for taking your time reading and replying to my ramblings.
It's so hard everything, today has been rougher than usual and i think it's because i heard about her Tinder account. Somehow in my twisted mind i always pictured us getting back together and that everything would be perfect and that we get an fairytale ending and a part of me still does believe that even if my rational self doesn't. I keep arguing with myself in my head but it leads nowhere, everything now is like a waiting room, i'm sitting in a waiting room waiting on her to decide for me or something. I know it's wrong and that i should move on but it's so hard because this part of me that believe there's an fairytale ending for us won't let go of it, i keep holding on to it somehow and it destroys me because i KNOW she's looking for someone else and that it means she's over me. And thinking about her being with someone else disgusts me and i could never take her back if she's actually been with someone else. But my problem is this stupid part of my brain that makes up excuses and still hope there's something left to be saved. But i know there isn't.
And i'm sick of myself for being a coward. I'm sick of myself for not having any close friends in my town i can hang out with. I hate that my social skills aren't the best and that i often find myself uncomfartable talking with new people. I'm sick of myself for being fat and i hate that i don't have the discipline. I would like to start doing something like boxing but i'm scared of what people might think of me, un-trained, fat and weak.
She's like a infection in my system that keeps eating away at me from the inside and i need to destroy the infection, get rid off it for good but it feels impossible when i think about her all the time. I'm such a pathetic loser.
Gentle, gentle, please be more gentle with yourself. That is where the roots of being a gentleman lie: your self-respect.
It's hard to be. I'm tired of myself and how i have wasted my life on meaningless stuff, i'm tired of feeling too strong about everything, i'm tired of never being good enough for anyone. I just wish my brain was different because it has never done me any good in 30 years of living.
Umm maybe you like to help people? Why not try to find another more healthy outlet for that? Also go out and try talking to other girls. If you feel like they are wrong you don't have to start anything, but try to at least get a rush of endorphin's that you would usually get from her. Eventually your mind will not correlate that feeling as heavily with her and it will be a lot easier.
Yeah, i guess that's true. I've always found a comfort and a calm in helping others. Especially as a kid, i remember it helped with my anxiety a lot to try and help others, even if it only were small things like going downstairs to get a glass of water for someone. I would like to go out and try to talk to other girls but i feel very uncomfortable and i have zero confidence right now. I'm scared to death of being alone again. Before this relationship i was alone for a very long time only with occasional hook ups.
No girls that you go to talk to at a bar can damage your confidence any more than someone you care about biting your hand or your family having to watch her freak out. They can do no worse. Good luck and I'm sure things will move forward. Break your dependence of her by creating other options. Less crazy options lol and find some volunteer work or something else that feels meaningful. Maybe a pet? It would also be another great way to meet other people.
I guess that's true but it scares me, i never done that before in my life and i'm scared they will laugh at me and think i'm pathetic and unworthy or something. I work with kids so that's helping some, i feel somewhat needed there and like i'm doing a difference. I love dogs and my brother has two, they seem to like me aswell. I would like to have a dog one day but i can't atm because of work, i wouldn't have time during the day.
I can't give you too much advice on it other than just to do it. Do whatever helps you to feel confident such as dressing a way that makes you feel comfortable or that you like the way you look in. Try something that you've always wanted to do so that you have a conversation topic. It didn't have to go well. Learning that it wasn't your thing is still something to talk about. Don't do cheesy pick up lines unless you know that you can carry them. etc. Besides you had a rabid dog for a girlfriend and lived. That's not pathetic.
Thank you. I'm doing all that, going over our relationship over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong, i'm longing for the good moments we have, i can't get her out of my mind and since yesterday when i found out she was on Tinder everything came crashing back down again. I feel like i'm in a fog of sadness and the thought of her with another man just makes me feel so bad it's insane. I can't stop thinking and worrying and it kills me. All i want is closure from her, to end things properly because we haven't done that. Last time we talked we decided to talk again in a month and see then. I know i'm stupid to keep chasing her, even tho i've been silent for almost a month now. I just feel like she was my only shot, my last shot and now i will be alone forever, or atleast for a long time again.
So i guess we have that in common aswell, i have emptiness inside me and she filled it, now it's not filled and somehow i think she's the answer to that when she really is not. I try to spend time doing other things, going for long walks, hanging out with friends and so on but it doesn't really help much. I
I hate that i feel these feelings but i don't know how to get out of it.
Yet another update.
I relapsed. Or something. I contacted her. Stupid move one might think but i think it actually helped me gain a bit more emotional seperation. I asked her if we could talk, and she asked about what so i told her that i wanted to talk about us and how i wanted to get closure so we both could move on. She asked me if i've met somebody new, i said no. She then said something like that i'm probably on Tinder looking for hookups. I found it amusing since i know she's on Tinder and i've not been on Tinder at all. A friend told me she was on there. So i said no and then asked her about Tinder and that a friend told me she was on there, she denied it. I mean, he showed me her profile but she kept denying and lying.
Anyway. Today on my way home from work i saw her with another guy, and i know who this guy is. He's in his 50s and my ex is 20. At first i got really mad, so i called a friend to vent, it was a good call to be honest, i just said everything i felt and during this call it started to hail. It was kinda funny, i was walking there, talking to my friend and being mad and the sky opened up and it just started to hail like crazy. It felt like a special moment. My anger calmed down and i started to think. Why should i be sad over this? Why should i chase after her when all she ever does is lie and cheat and abuse me? And i shouldn't. I should move on, working on myself, trying to better for me and not for someone else. I know it will be hard so i would really like some tips on how to do this, how do i become better? How do i start enjoying being by myself and change my mindset about that i can only be happy when i'm with somebody. I need to become comfortable with myself, loving myself as Salt Dragon said, but i need some pointers on how to get there.
I know i will fall back down, i know this feeling of "i'm done and i will move on now" won't last, for now. I know i will be sad and i know i will miss her but now i know for sure that the girl i fell in love with and loved so much is gone. I don't recognize who she has become now. Or maybe it's the exact same person but back then i was just blinded by love, or blinded by being with someone.
Anyway, i know that i will fall back down again. But i know i won't fall as hard and i know i won't fall for long. I know i will feel sad and angry but i know it will become less intense over time, it already has from the first weeks to now. I know i will miss her, but i will also know that she's gone or that she never really existed in the first place. I have to believe that i will find love again, even if it might take some time. There has to be someone out there for me, someone who will love me as much as i love her, who will support me instead of compete with me, someone who won't get jealous over good things that happens to me, someone who doesn't abuse me mentally or physically. But for now, i will try to improve myself and i will start with my work, trying to be better each day at helping them. That's my goal for now.