So it's been six weeks since i posted this: http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/i-m-going-under-i-...
And i'm still here, still sad and still angry and miserable. Since then, we have talked and even met up. Huge mistake and i should've listened to you guys but my feelings for her are so strong it made it impossible to stay away. I don't understand why i care so much for her after everything she's done to me, i don't know why i still love her this much.
I'm in desperate need of advice to get her out of my head, to stop me from picturing her with others, to stop me from remembering all the good stuff, to stop me from missing it and her. Why do i ignore all the bad and only focusing on the good? She's been awful to me, she cheated on me with a girl, but it's still cheating, she abused me both verbally and physically, she bit me in my hand once and i still have the scar, she has caused big scenes on trains and in shopping malls. Even at my parents she's gone into mental breakdown mode kicking and screaming. Why do i ignore this and only focusing on the good? Why do i miss her like crazy and why do i still love her? Why do i chase her?
I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared i will never find love again, i'm scared to be alone again. I don't know how to forget her and move on... Please, any advice?
One thing that may help is looking over where many have told you:
* If you found love once, you can do it again.
* It is OK to be alone; it is unlikely to be forever.
* Better alone than being, well, bitten on the hand by a crazy woman.
So any time you feel the fear that you _need_ her, look that over.
Now I think the next question is: why are you compelled? It's not love, or just love, that makes you want to go back to her. I think there's something about you that associates some good feeling either with being abused, or some other aspect of her.
If it's being abused... heck, abuse yourself (or pretend to). It's safer.
If it's another aspect of her... whatever positive aspect she has, over a billion other women have it too, I am sure.
Boy, wish I cd take you IRL to a place where we cd do psychodrama and see what draws you to her, and how you can get it w/o the abuse.
I try to think like that but it's really hard. I've been so close to walk away from her several times during our relationship but then i start thinking about all the good stuff and i'm right back there with her and it's good for a while, then it all starts over.
I hate being abused by her and all the stuff she does to me but i love her her when everything is good... It's just hard to imagine myself without her. It's weird.
I wish there was someone i could talk to and i have an appointment next week and i will ask to see someone i could talk to. I guess it all boils down to fear of not finding love again, fear of being alone.
I guess it all boils down to fear of not finding love again, fear of being alone.
So: you've summed it up. It doesn't all boil down to her. Good! Now you can focus on something you can have some effect on: yourself and your fears. I think this is the right focus.
And how do i focus on this, what can i do? I feel totally lost right now.
Journaling, counseling, reading relevant books, ManKind Project, Codependents Anonymous, talking here or IRL, inner child work... if it's a big enough deal to merit it, try everything in sight til something works.
Any relevant book ideas? I have ordered The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, i don't really know why but i watched a documentary about him and it sounded interesting so i thought why not.
Owning Your Own Shadow. Codependent No More or The Language of Letting Go. A book with "inner child" in the title. Inner Work.
Sometimes doing the right thing goes against everything your heart wants. Don't make the entire AOM community hold an intervention on your behalf and show up at your doorstep with a crudely wrapped box of testicles for you. Get fixed what's broken or mis-wired between your head and your heart. Talk to a pro. Get a therapist. Therapy doesn't make you weak as a person, but existing as the spineless doormat/punching bag/Ken Doll/cuckold person you are endangering becoming, will make you something you probably do not desire to be. She is only ONE girl (no matter how many people may be swimming in that melon of hers). ONE GIRL! This relationship is toxic. Do you enjoy being miserable? Stop it. Stop doing this to yourself. The dismay you are going to feel once the relationship is over will not even be nearly as long as the dreadful, unstable, emotional roller coaster you will continue to be subjected to if you keep yourself chained to her. Stop it. Six weeks is six weeks. Don't expect perfect abs by doing ten sit-ups. Don't expect to be fully healed from a screwed-up, Hellraiser-esque relationship over a little more than a month. Want help getting stronger mentally and emotionally? Would you like the time to lessen somewhat for all this to be over? Get therapy.
Yeah i know and this is what confuses me so much, becaue when she's done all the bad stuff she's done to me like bitten me, pinched me real hard, yelled at me like a kid who didn't get candy from her mom in public for stupid reasons, really causing scenes that made me ashamed, i want to walk away, i want to leave her with her own misery and move on. But then an hour passes by and i start feeling sorry for her, thinking that this isn't who she really is, it's her depression, it's something else that causes this in her, maybe it will get better etc etc and my love for her is too strong and i just can't walk away.
But i will try to talk with someone, i have an appointment next week with a doctor and i will ask if there's a possibility that i can see a therapist.
First of all, dude... Take some time to take care of yourself. Make sure you are getting the sleep you need and eating right. In a similar situation, I found that those were major in getting depression under control.
Second- 6 weeks, not a great deal of time in the overall scheme. Find things to occupy your time, get a hobby, TRY to date if you want to, there's a whole internet full of women out there, and as my dad like to say "the best aphrodisiac in the world is a new face".
And yeah, find someone to talk to, even if it's just a friend. You have to get the poison out of your head. While this site is a great resource, it's not going to fill that niche that talking with someone would.
I try, but it's really hard. I can't really fall asleep and i wake up constantly with anxiety. Eating has been really hard aswell for some reason, i can go several days without anything at all. I've lost 22 pounds.
I've been trying to do stuff, i've been walking alot and it helps while i'm doing it, i try to focus on my work aswell but it's hard when my mind's always somewhere else. Trying to date again feels impossible right now, i don't even know where to start and i feel really insecure.
Yeah, i have an appointment next week so i will try to get someone to talk to.
First off: Sorry, dude. It hurts, and there is no way around that.
Secondly, I'd offer these few bits of advice -