I'm going under. I feel like such a loser and it kills me.

So my girlfriend and I broke up. I think. We haven't really had it that good for a while now. She's really unstable and I've been trying to be supporting but she keeps abusing me. She has done a lot of stuff, can't even keep track of all of it. But some "highlights" is that she cheated on me with a girl, so I forgave that. Before we were together she had sex with this guy against her will she said. He kept sending her dirty texts and eventually forced himself on her but she still kept in touch and later went back to him and he tried again but she could run away that time. Other stuff she's done is to scream and yell at me in public, she once bit me in my hand pretty badly. She has kicked, punched, scratched and pinched me. She has anxiety and depression, she blames everything on it... I have never laid a hand on her, I don't do that, not even in self defense.

Anyway. Yesterday, after four days of constant fights she kept calling and texting me while at work, I ignored her but eventually answered her. She kept yelling and being abusive with her words so I hung up. Then she called back, I answered, but it was her father telling me I should never contact her again or else, I really didn't hear much of what he said but I felt it was a threat. After that she hasn't been online for 24 hours, haven't heard a word. So I'm worried about her.

I feel really sad now, first I felt anger that it went this far, that she couldn't behave and just be "normal", now it's just sadness, I feel sorry for her, I want to hug her and make it all go away. But I guess she's gone. I've lost her. I know this makes me sound like a loser. But I'm 30 years old, she's a bit younger, and now I feel like I will never find love again. That I will be alone forever and it scares me to death. I'm sitting here at work, like in a fog, I have already cried once and I feel like I could start again anytime.

I wish she wasn't so mad, I wish we could have it good like I know we can. But I know it's over. And it kills me. I need help. I don't know what to do.

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Sleep will be hard.  I have a journal next to my bed to try to write out the ruminations.  Especially with a break up, take the time to set up a schedule to bed.

What I am trying to do:

Read out of bed a physical book.  

Drink some tea.  

Then hit the sack with your phone charging across the room.

My goal with this is to set my body in to the routine to shut down fast and go to sleep.  Writing this has made me realize I need to move my thoughts journal out of the bedroom.  


Believe it or not, you will eventually look back on this as a good moment.  Sooner than you think.  Freedom from a potentially miserable life with girl that was really bad news.  An opportunity to find somebody better, who makes you better.  Somebody worth building a life with.  You didn't lose her.  You got rid of her.  Because she was causing more problems than she was worth.  This is the moment when you seized control of your life, and decided that she wasn't good enough.  That's an important distinction.  In general, the best way to get over a girl is to find somebody better.  You found this girl.  You have it in you to find another.

So, retreat -- and take a little time to grieve.  Learn your lessons.  Recalibrate.  Reload.  And, re-engage.  Get back out there.  Slay dragons.  Date out of your league.  Make her a distant memory by building something better with someone better.


I wish this is true, right now it all feels meaningless. I just don't see myself finding someone new, this girl found me pretty much and i don't really have any friends so i don't know. 

"Right now it all feels meaningless."

Yes.  It's been about a day.  You get to spend a few days feeling like everything's awful (more, if you need).  It would be shocking if you broke up with a long-time girlfriend and felt nothing bad at the end of it, and would indicate you didn't really love at all.  It speaks well of you, even if it hurts, that you feel terrible when someone goes away, even someone like that.

Take the compliment from yourself, and give yourself more than a few days to get over it.

Thank you. I guess it will suck for a while, it's just bad timing since i just started my new work and i feel like i don't contribute when i'm up in this mess. I just want to lay in bed and cry, be angry, cry some more and so on. All i want is to speak with her, i don't want it to end with her father telling me to stay away. But her phone's turned off and she hasn't been online since yesterday, which worries me alot.

Conor, you will heal. It will take time. That being said, the shortest way to gain closure and move on is to work with a professional. I do not know if you "need therapy," nor am I saying you need therapy. What I do see you doing is walking in with two specific goals: 1) Closure on this breakup. 2) How to make friends.

Friend-making is not something that you can leave up to chance. When you were a kid, your friends were the kids who were in your class, from one year to the next. You didn't actually actively make a decision, "Do I want ZXY as a friend? What do I need to do facilitate ZXY being my friend?" Therefore, it really was almost random chance. You may never had had the opportunity to develop the set of skills which is "Friend Making Actions."

So see a therapist for those two things. Once you've got the tools you need from the therapist, you can stop seeing her/him. Or you can continue. Whichever you wish.

But the key for you is the same, regardless. You are stuck in a mud hole. Rather than sit in the mud hole and fully let the mud seep in, take action. You need to resume moving forward.

Take this time to focus on yourself. Do NOT focus on getting some new girl. That's just silly. You need to focus on yourself and make Conor whole and complete. Once you have improved yourself, made yourself a whole man who does not need a girl friend, THEN start dating again.

Thank you. I will take your advice and try to find a therapist that will help me. I will get out of town tomorrow and see the one friend i do have. We don't really hang out much because of the distance but i felt now was a good time to hang out. Also, i have a few friends that aren't very close but they have families. I feel like i still need to make a "real" friend i can hang out with more often. 

But i really do want to speak with her again to close this in a real way. Now it just feels really bad. I will try to speak with her father and make him listen to what i have to say to him. We are after all two adults, parents shouldn't be involved. 

I do NOT recommend reaching out to her. Her father has stepped in, and I suspect he is protective. There's a chance that, if you reach out to her again, the father will take out a restraining order or something.

I am sorry to say this, but the ball is not in your court. She has purposely cut off contact, and had her father sever the bridge.

I know that makes you feel powerless, helpless, and frustrated. But a therapist can help you gain closure (they are expert at helping people gain closure after one-sided breakups -it's kind of what they do for a living).

Listen to JB not me.

As one for whom an experience of events of a manner not entirely dissimilar was of experience, one may state in am manner lacking in equivocation that fortune should most like proffer improvements for the future.

Recuperation and reflection subsequent to such is of expectation and requirement. In the event that you desire, one may proffer what small succour that one would exist as able.

Dude she's crazy get the hell away from that.

"Avoid the unhappy and the unlucky" lest you become infected by their negative temperament yourself.

Don't try to save her. It's a waste of your life. 30 years old is your prime. Do what the dad says, cut contact and find someone else. Ive been in a very very scarily similar situation and getting the hell out of it was the best decision. These women are self-destructive, trying to save them is like trying to solve a rubix cube using only your ears.


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