Hello all,

I have a list of problems and blessings that restrain me from having serious relationships with girls...some of my problems are common and some of them are odd.

1. I have mild social anxiety. Throughout middle and high school, I really didn't know how to talk to girls so if I said something dumb or did something awkward, they would make critical remarks that stuck to my conscience. Now that I'm a senior in college, I don't have that problem at all. I'm actually pretty sly with talking, but the inner voice in my head that says "Don't say anything stupid" tends to make me move non-stop (adjusting posture, clenching teeth, wiggling my toes). I never make obvious movements that she can pick up on, but it's nerve-wracking.

2. My income is a problem. I'm not rich or famous or related to anyone rich and famous, but my comfort level is a problem. When I first started college, I was making $7.25 at Carmike Cinemas working 30 - 40 hours a week, then I started working at a retail store, got promoted really fast and before I knew it, I was making loads of money (for a college kid). Now as a senior in college, I've had a job in my major since junior year and I still work at the same retail store. So in other words, I generate a lot more money than the average college kid. This has become an issue because I've actually had girls get low-key jealous that I already have a job in my major (I do public relations work for a large medical company). It's also a problem because I can actually take girls to real restaurants and buy them above mediocre stuff so they feel I'm trying to impress them or that they owe me something which is not my intention. My clothing looks expensive, but I promise I only shop from clearance racks, even at my retail job. I also drive a rare car that raises a lot of eyebrows, which implies I'm a show-boater, but it was given to me as a gift. I have several forces working against me.

3. I'm Black. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type that makes everything black and white, but it causes problems. I live in Birmingham, the most diverse city in Alabama. I'm attracted to all colors of women, but it comes with problems. Most Black women see me as "too white" and most white women see me as "too white". Black women want "Black men" and white women who are attracted to black men want "Black men". Latin, Indian, and Asian women in Birmingham tend to stick to their men or White men. So no luck for me.

4. I'm too mature. One critical comment that lies on my conscience is "You act like an old white man". I have to wear dress clothes six days a week, I'm always talking about education and careers, and I don't engage in too many activities like partying, drinking, and smoking. My whole attitude comes from being an only child and being independent from an early age. It's not something I can really help, but it hurts me because girls think I act "too old" or whatever. Working in a corporate office full of older white guys doesn't help me either because everyone is a product of their environment. The only youthful things about me are that I like cars, mainstream music, and agreement when a nice ass passes by when I'm with my friends.

5. A man-whore?? Really?? Some girls have the impression that I am a man-whore because they always see me with different girls around campus or get that impression after hearing me be very straight-forward with girls. Getting girls and keeping girls are two different things.

I feel like Matt Damon in The Adjustment Bureau lol.

Can someone please suggest something to me to overcome these obstacles so I can keep a girl??

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Well you listed factors why you 'can't' keep a girl (e.g., race and income) but these carry less weight compared to one factor you completely omitted- why you even want to have a girlfriend in the first place. Be honest with yourself and ask "What are some reasons I want a girlfriend?". Be specific as possible. After you answered that then ask "What qualities would I want this woman to have to ensure the best possible relationship?". Once this is done, now ask "What MUST I change in my life to attract this type of woman?" and put your answers into action.

These obstacles you listed are exactly that- obstacles. They pose an inconvenience to you initially but they can become your strengths, if you choose to use them to your advantage. 


I want a girlfriend because I desire companionship.

The fact that some girls see you as a "man-whore" leads me to wonder about how you interact with women.

Do you treat your lady friends as friends or as girls/ladies?  I have a friend who was very social and often had various dates with various women.  Nothing deeper then a enjoyable time together before he settled down with one.  

The thing is he did not try to hide what he was doing with anyone.  If a girl asked if he was seeing someone else it was a fairly simple discussion, the truth.  He also has offered to share an umbrella with a girl and her response was no thank you I'm taken.  His response was look it's raining and was just trying to be social.  So the problem could also be the women around you are reading too much into things.

He did not play games with the ladies nor did he try to bluff or bluster about his relationships.  He was not keeping a "score", he was simply enjoying life.

How do you interact with women? 

I don't talk about these things, people ask me where I work and they see my car. These are things I can't avoid.

I'm with the others, sounds more like how you are interacting with the women.


There is a very real difference bewteen dating and dating to be in a relationship.

I would also wonder how much emphasis you are putting on yourself(your clothes, your car, your job, education, career, etc, etc) when out with these women and talking. If you are secure and going somewhere with your life, it will show, you don't have to talk about it. But if you are always talking about it, you will come off like you are more important. So then those looking for a relationship will move on.

 

In a nutshell, I only read one obstacle. You and your need to prove yourself. Stop proving yourself and simply be yourself.

I'm not doing anything to prove myself...but since you didn't read, you wouldn't know that.

You may not see that you are, but take a step back and try to listen to what these men are telling you. I had the same problem, a bit socially awkward, not much $$, (I'm white, so can't help you there), and was called a flirt sometimes, but that was mainly because I was having trouble socially and it came across as flirting. Relax, man! Take up a non-serious hobby. Something you can do to relax and connect with other people. If you're religious go to a church that has a good singles group.

 

One note about the singles group: don't "play church" to get a good girl. For one, she'll probably be able to see right through you. For two, you don't want her to fall for the person you're not, but are pretending to be. You can only pretend so long.

 

My advice is to better yourself, but relax, and be you. And don't become defensive when people take the time to give you adivice.

Church sounds like a great idea. I always wondered if guys really met women there.

If you're going to church to "meet women" then don't go. If you're going there to meet/find THE woman, then go.

 

I really got to know my wife at church. We met as kids (6 years old) and her family started coming to my church. Fast forward 15 years or so, and we were both heavily involved in ministries, though at seperate churches in seperate states. Doing for other people who can't do anything to reward you is awesome, and it has a way of bringing people together. It sure brought us together, and I've never regretted it.

I already attend church, I just never attempt to talk to women there.

A) Your reply proves #4 wrong. You are not mature, you merely play mature via dress and who you happen to work with. If you were mature, you would have asked why I read your OP in such a way rather than play "Accuse the accuser"

B) From this, we go back to #1. You still don't want anyone to be critical. Natural, but that is life. That is what maturity teaches us, that we dont' ahve all the answers, that people just might not like us

C) #1 goes into #2. In college, no one cares, but you do. If you have a job, you have a job. There are jobless jerkoffs that have no problem having a relationship, and there are guys who are rich and famous who have relationships and there are 100 other guys EXACTLY like you with jobs already lined up for graduation with relationships. But pair this up with how you have worded #4, and you really, really care how people view you. You are still scared from #1 of something reflecting negatively about you, and therefor responded to me as you did.

D) #3 and #5 are conflicting. If you are getting dates, then #3 doesn't matter. It would if you weren't getting dates. But as is #5 you stated that getting a girl and keeping a girl is different, you are getting dates.

 

Do you really want to have this conversation, or do you just want someone to agree that all the cards are "stacked against you"


 

You say that everyone is a product of their enviorment. Let me tell you a story about another black man.

 

He was born a slave. At age 9 he and his mother were kidnapped and held for ransome, which was paid and he was returned to his owner, but his mother was never seen again. Despite major racial and social stigmas against him, in a state notorious for racial hate at the time (AL), he became one of the most respected scientists of his time, and his legacy continues today. He was George Washington Carver.

 

Don't look at what you can't do because of those around you. Look at what you can do in spite of those around you.

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