I broke up with her on the spot. She was 41 and I am 26. It was odd but it worked. She came back from LA and I saw "Mark" calling. I had seen him call for the last couple weeks. I waited for her to say something, but she didnt. We were drinking. My girlfriend left to move her car and I felt extremely inclined to look at her phone. I found an email to Mark that said "I'll dream about snuggling with you tonight." Looking at the time stamp I could tell she wrote out while she was sitting next to me watching tv that night. I was crushed. I threw a fit. She came back up to the apartment and I immediately confronted her. She got a nervous look on her face and said "we're just really good friends." She later admitted it was her ex boyfriend. I told her that was entirely innapropriate and she betrayed my trust completely. It also turns out while in LA she went to see him, while never saying a word to me about it.
In all honesty ive been crushed. We sent emails back and forth about a week later but the last thing I said was "im going to need a long time before I can have a civil conversation with you." She hasnt said a word since.
Ive been battling depression and anxiety since this happened. I dont know what to do about it. I miss someone I hate. I suppose it could have been worse, but the pain is still there.
How much longer will this last?
Pretty much the rest of your life. It doesn't get better, only less.
^absolute bullshit. If someone is acting suspiciously, do you trust them?
No. I just wish I was a stronger person. I've been trying to help myself get better for the last two months but I feel like im still sinking.
that was meant for Nathan.
Best to ignore the "^absolute bullshit" (and what else could it be -- blaming a man whose fiancee is cheating, for finding out about it? Yeesh!), and ...
...it's OK to grieve. If you think of it as a process of being sad about the loss of an attachment, I think it'll sound more hopeful than if you think of it as something wrong with you. It's normal to be sad about a breakup. The closer the relationship, the more sad.
Yeah I see what youre saying. The thoughts and memories have become obsessive. They creep into everything I think about and cause anxiety and crying. I have a habit of obsessing over things, but now its working against me and im not sure how to deal with it.
Ec, I'm sorry you had to go through this. A lot of good advice has been dispensed already here. One thing I can tell you will help is to forgive. You don't have to call her up, matter of fact I'd cut off all contact, but if you can forgive her in your heart, you will heal much faster. Making compensatory changes to your life help you build an armor against the hurt, but the hurt will be with you as long as you have the anger inside of you. Forgiveness will help the anger go away and release you from the power she has over your emotions.
Definitely spend some time on YOU. Pick out a few things you enjoy and spend some time with people you like to be around.
How do I forgive? Ive tried. Maybe I dont know how.
That's different for everyone. Like Will said (better than I did), make a commitment to forgive. It's not a light switch process.
Do you have close male friends to spend time with?
I do. But they dont really know what I am going through. I think I slipped into a major depression. Things have been rough. Up at 5am, 6am, for no reason. I wake up and feel terrible. Spend the day in tears. Im unemployed and have too much time on my hands.
I don't think forgiveness needs to be the first stage. When something is so much I can't forgive, I make a commitment to myself to forgive, and to take no harmful action of course, but not to stop feeling hurt and anger. Those feelings are there for a reason.
If you had a dependent who was feeling grief from something like this, I imagine (and hope) you would be gentle with him, give him space to grieve, and also get him out of the house, do different things. Say, "I feel ya, man, for sure. But let's do something else for a while." Or "You need to bawl? Do it." That is, you'd be flexible in your support for him; flexible is the opposite of stuck. (And, of course, you do have a dependent here: yourself.)
Ec, I just wanted to add to what Will posted by saying, as a person who suffered from anxiety/panic issues in the past, that there is no need to be overly concerned about your inability to forgive right now. A mind that suffers from anxiety/panic attacks is a tired mind. If you follow the advice given above by the others here, your mental exhaustion will lessen and your mind will be more refreshed and thus better able to do your bidding in this respect later on. Please don't feel that there is something horribly wrong with you if you can't forgive right now. Please take the best possible care of yourself so you can recharge that battery!