I had a friend go through a break up a few months ago and he told me the members on this site helped him quite a bit, so I thought I would give it a shot since I'm at a standstill. Prepare for a little novel.
For 5 years I've been in love with girl A. We have been really good friends for all this time and she had always known about my feelings. She had feelings for me for a little while but not strong enough to start a relationship with. In a (selfish) attempt to finally get over her, I started seeing my ex girlfriend, fell for her and we dated for over a year, which was the best year of my life, but I could never get over girl A and i constantly felt guilty for staying with my ex while I had feelings for her, and these 2 girls used to be close friends, so my ex knew that I still had feelings for her. After over a year of dating, girl A started warming up to me a little more and obviously wanted to start seeing me which has been my dream for the past 5 years, so I broke up with my ex, and started casually seeing girl A. My ex girlfriend has hated girl A over jealousy of how i felt about her and when we broke up she hated her more because she blamed her for our break-up, and when she found out we were seeing each other, it broke her heart, but the amazing and devoted person she is, she still says she would take me back. My ex is a generous, understanding, and indulgent human being, and she was and still is madly in love with me, and I still love her back. Girl A is also amazing and now would like to start dating officially. This would absolutely kill my ex girlfriend, and would probably destroy any chances of us getting back together. It is also something I've wanted for such a long time, but I am afraid it wouldn't last (she is one of those girls that sees all male contact as innocent and platonic, and I'm the jealous type, so if i were to get mad at anything she does she would just blame my jealousy and it would slowly chip away at our relationship. The fact that they both go to universities far away from mine does not help, but my ex and I almost never had problem with my jealousy). They're both funny, beautiful, smart, amazing women, and for some reason they both want to be with me. I obviously can't have them both, and I can't sleep at night or concentrate in school while I constantly try to decide who I should be with.
So I desperately ask you gentlemen, am I afraid to be with girl A only because I don't want to hurt my ex girlfriend, or are my feelings for girl A simply an infatuation, and my heart really lies with my ex girlfriend? If you've made it this far I appreciate it greatly, and i apologize for such a long post. No question is off limits if you think the answer would help your response.
Again, thank you all very much for reading this, and I appreciate any input.
First, and I apologize for sounding insulting, but how old are you? Girl A, Girl B, Girl C at the bar, Girl D..... They are pretty much interchangeable aren't they? They'll pretty much (in retrospect) be that way until you are with the one woman that you believe will be your last. You won't wonder if the other jacket will fit you better, or if you'd be happier in the SUV vs. the sedan, or if you will have a better time at Jame's party vs. Jon's. Do you understand what I am getting at? You won't be afraid of hurting the other girl's feelings. If you are a decent gentleman then you won't feel butterflies and fuzzies at the thought of causing someone pain and suffering, but it won't hinder you from your own happiness and romantic fulfillment.
As for Girl A, she has strung you along for many years (it seems). Being so far apart plays into that my friend and it is never a strong basis for a long-term, satisfying relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if close contact for an extended period of time could cause the whole thing to fall apart. And Girl B, she needs to find a modicum of self-respect when dealing with you (no offense). Because as it seems in your description, you don't love her nearly in the same manner that she does you. You used her as an object to dangle in front of this other girl.
I believe that the relationship that you have built up in your mind is greater than the reality with this girl. Also, you are continuing to communicate with your ex-girlfriend, correct? Why? Also, which of these girls, if either, can you not live without? And if you can't live without (insert girl), then why are you at different universities? Does she feel the same way?
My advice Ken, is to not be with either. Honestly. You are 20 and have many mistakes and heartaches ahead of you. In addition, you seem concerned over girl A's relationships with other men, which seems to tell me that you either know her too well and that disturbs you, or you do not know her at all. And if you want girl B's take on feeling slighted (you did only date her again to fill a void for another girl as well as drop her the moment the initial girl came around), then I would recite your initial post to her word for word. That may solve this dilemma for you without much effort. Once again I am sorry if this brash or insensitive, but as men we need to take ownership of our actions, and do what is right when we are in a position to do so.
a) This made me literally LOL
there is one thing you have to know in life, this applies to work, relationships, everything.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. NO OTHER PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.
understand this and make decisions based off this.
Honestly, neither. You don't like Girl B enough ... and Girl A doesn't like you enough.
You're doing the same thing to B that A did to you. And, its going to end for you just like its ending for B. A's going to stay with you until something better comes along -- which won't be long -- and she'll spend the whole relationship pining away for her dream guy, which isn't you. Then she's going to feel really bad for breaking your heart as she leaves you behind. But, she'll do it anyway. Because, to A ... you're Plan B.
A feels about you the same way you feel about B. She wishes she liked you more. But, she doesn't. It isn't fair to B for you to string her along ... and, it isn't worth your time to let yourself get strung along by A.
Cut 'em both loose, and move on. If B was the right girl, you'd have been so enamored that you wouldn't have given A another thought .. and, if A was the right girl, it wouldn't have taken her five years to come around. There's somebody out there that you'll like as much as A, and that'll like you as much as B. Find her.
Find a new A.
"Honestly, neither. You don't like Girl B enough ... and Girl A doesn't like you enough.
You're doing the same thing to B that A did to you. And, its going to end for you just like its ending for B"
might as well roll dice because none of them will love you and you wont love them.
There is a principle which protects men from problems and makes the correct course of action clear in all situations. Unfortunately it takes a lot of work. Because of amount of work and self sacrifice involved, it is seldom even taught to young people any more. It exists today only in myth and legend, and usually goes by the name "the secret" or "the ancient wisdom". While there is much that I am sworn not to reveal, and while you will not be able to believe most of it, I can tell you this much:
"for most of your life you will be old. You will be happier if you choose your partner with this in mind."