I had a friend go through a break up a few months ago and he told me the members on this site helped him quite a bit, so I thought I would give it a shot since I'm at a standstill. Prepare for a little novel.
For 5 years I've been in love with girl A. We have been really good friends for all this time and she had always known about my feelings. She had feelings for me for a little while but not strong enough to start a relationship with. In a (selfish) attempt to finally get over her, I started seeing my ex girlfriend, fell for her and we dated for over a year, which was the best year of my life, but I could never get over girl A and i constantly felt guilty for staying with my ex while I had feelings for her, and these 2 girls used to be close friends, so my ex knew that I still had feelings for her. After over a year of dating, girl A started warming up to me a little more and obviously wanted to start seeing me which has been my dream for the past 5 years, so I broke up with my ex, and started casually seeing girl A. My ex girlfriend has hated girl A over jealousy of how i felt about her and when we broke up she hated her more because she blamed her for our break-up, and when she found out we were seeing each other, it broke her heart, but the amazing and devoted person she is, she still says she would take me back. My ex is a generous, understanding, and indulgent human being, and she was and still is madly in love with me, and I still love her back. Girl A is also amazing and now would like to start dating officially. This would absolutely kill my ex girlfriend, and would probably destroy any chances of us getting back together. It is also something I've wanted for such a long time, but I am afraid it wouldn't last (she is one of those girls that sees all male contact as innocent and platonic, and I'm the jealous type, so if i were to get mad at anything she does she would just blame my jealousy and it would slowly chip away at our relationship. The fact that they both go to universities far away from mine does not help, but my ex and I almost never had problem with my jealousy). They're both funny, beautiful, smart, amazing women, and for some reason they both want to be with me. I obviously can't have them both, and I can't sleep at night or concentrate in school while I constantly try to decide who I should be with.
So I desperately ask you gentlemen, am I afraid to be with girl A only because I don't want to hurt my ex girlfriend, or are my feelings for girl A simply an infatuation, and my heart really lies with my ex girlfriend? If you've made it this far I appreciate it greatly, and i apologize for such a long post. No question is off limits if you think the answer would help your response.
Again, thank you all very much for reading this, and I appreciate any input.
might as well roll dice because none of them will love you and you wont love them.
There is a principle which protects men from problems and makes the correct course of action clear in all situations. Unfortunately it takes a lot of work. Because of amount of work and self sacrifice involved, it is seldom even taught to young people any more. It exists today only in myth and legend, and usually goes by the name "the secret" or "the ancient wisdom". While there is much that I am sworn not to reveal, and while you will not be able to believe most of it, I can tell you this much:
"for most of your life you will be old. You will be happier if you choose your partner with this in mind."
Dear Ken (if I may),
First of all, let me say that - while reading the comments to your post - I was positively surprised to learn that you are only 20. I'm a university professor, so I deal exactly with people of your age, and I can tell you that you look far more mature, polite and cultivated than most of my students.
Having said that, we have a couple of important things in common: 1) I also write "novels" instead of "posts", and 2) I'm also the jealous type.
So, it is in the latter capacity that I'm offering you my view on the issue.
I'd say, quite simply: get rid of "girl A" and focus on a person who has showed an incredible display of devotion and attachment to you. Girl A, as you said, is also the one that would make you jealous: I recognize perfectly the type from your description of her behaviour, and - my goodness - I had my share of that type of women. No thanks! (Plus, you may have seen that I have started another discussion, where I have another problem of this kind).
If things are fine with BOTH girls, I would dare saying (and believe me, there is no patronizing in this: of course I'm a bit older than you, but I don't mean it this way) that you can easily get over the feelings for girl A in due time (a week, a month, a year... it depends, of course). Something you would not be able to get rid of is that constant feeling of threat, danger that you would have with girl A, who - by the way - also rejected you in the beginning, so she also put herself in a kind of "dominant" position in the relationship.
Anyway, dear Ken, I wish you all the best luck, and I also wish I had more students like you :)
All the best
YOU need to figure out what you want and who you want to be with. You're jacking these two 'girls' around and f*ing with their emotions. Stop. You're going to end up with neither the way you're going and that may be for the better (for them at least).
This entire tale reeks of emotional immaturity. I don't know your circumstances but you come off as being very young. Nothing wrong with that, as we all have been there. My advice would be to forget about any relationships for a time and spend that period shoring up yourself.