I had a friend go through a break up a few months ago and he told me the members on this site helped him quite a bit, so I thought I would give it a shot since I'm at a standstill. Prepare for a little novel.
For 5 years I've been in love with girl A. We have been really good friends for all this time and she had always known about my feelings. She had feelings for me for a little while but not strong enough to start a relationship with. In a (selfish) attempt to finally get over her, I started seeing my ex girlfriend, fell for her and we dated for over a year, which was the best year of my life, but I could never get over girl A and i constantly felt guilty for staying with my ex while I had feelings for her, and these 2 girls used to be close friends, so my ex knew that I still had feelings for her. After over a year of dating, girl A started warming up to me a little more and obviously wanted to start seeing me which has been my dream for the past 5 years, so I broke up with my ex, and started casually seeing girl A. My ex girlfriend has hated girl A over jealousy of how i felt about her and when we broke up she hated her more because she blamed her for our break-up, and when she found out we were seeing each other, it broke her heart, but the amazing and devoted person she is, she still says she would take me back. My ex is a generous, understanding, and indulgent human being, and she was and still is madly in love with me, and I still love her back. Girl A is also amazing and now would like to start dating officially. This would absolutely kill my ex girlfriend, and would probably destroy any chances of us getting back together. It is also something I've wanted for such a long time, but I am afraid it wouldn't last (she is one of those girls that sees all male contact as innocent and platonic, and I'm the jealous type, so if i were to get mad at anything she does she would just blame my jealousy and it would slowly chip away at our relationship. The fact that they both go to universities far away from mine does not help, but my ex and I almost never had problem with my jealousy). They're both funny, beautiful, smart, amazing women, and for some reason they both want to be with me. I obviously can't have them both, and I can't sleep at night or concentrate in school while I constantly try to decide who I should be with.
So I desperately ask you gentlemen, am I afraid to be with girl A only because I don't want to hurt my ex girlfriend, or are my feelings for girl A simply an infatuation, and my heart really lies with my ex girlfriend? If you've made it this far I appreciate it greatly, and i apologize for such a long post. No question is off limits if you think the answer would help your response.
Again, thank you all very much for reading this, and I appreciate any input.
First, and I apologize for sounding insulting, but how old are you? Girl A, Girl B, Girl C at the bar, Girl D..... They are pretty much interchangeable aren't they? They'll pretty much (in retrospect) be that way until you are with the one woman that you believe will be your last. You won't wonder if the other jacket will fit you better, or if you'd be happier in the SUV vs. the sedan, or if you will have a better time at Jame's party vs. Jon's. Do you understand what I am getting at? You won't be afraid of hurting the other girl's feelings. If you are a decent gentleman then you won't feel butterflies and fuzzies at the thought of causing someone pain and suffering, but it won't hinder you from your own happiness and romantic fulfillment.
As for Girl A, she has strung you along for many years (it seems). Being so far apart plays into that my friend and it is never a strong basis for a long-term, satisfying relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if close contact for an extended period of time could cause the whole thing to fall apart. And Girl B, she needs to find a modicum of self-respect when dealing with you (no offense). Because as it seems in your description, you don't love her nearly in the same manner that she does you. You used her as an object to dangle in front of this other girl.
Thank you, Mike. You said it all.
I believe that the relationship that you have built up in your mind is greater than the reality with this girl. Also, you are continuing to communicate with your ex-girlfriend, correct? Why? Also, which of these girls, if either, can you not live without? And if you can't live without (insert girl), then why are you at different universities? Does she feel the same way?
My advice Ken, is to not be with either. Honestly. You are 20 and have many mistakes and heartaches ahead of you. In addition, you seem concerned over girl A's relationships with other men, which seems to tell me that you either know her too well and that disturbs you, or you do not know her at all. And if you want girl B's take on feeling slighted (you did only date her again to fill a void for another girl as well as drop her the moment the initial girl came around), then I would recite your initial post to her word for word. That may solve this dilemma for you without much effort. Once again I am sorry if this brash or insensitive, but as men we need to take ownership of our actions, and do what is right when we are in a position to do so.
a) This made me literally LOL
A lot of people with laugh at this post and deride you for it. The view of the older and wiser crowd is often to crack up at the younger, less experienced and troubles which seem inconsequential. But I guess I'm not older and wiser because I can see that this is critically important to you -- that's what matters. So let's look at it critically. Here are some thoughts:
1) In my experience and the experience of many others, once there is a breakup, it should be final. I've made the mistake 4 times of getting back together with an ex and now I think (I hope) I'm finally inoculated against that mistake. Couples that always break up and get back together, especially multiple times are usually in "toxic relationships."
Usually, maybe 19 out of 20 times, if a relationship can end once, even over something stupid, it's just not made to last. Period. It's easy to rationalize reasons why we should get back together with exes but in all my circle of experience it never, never, never works out.
When you are with the right person, you won't break up. You won't question it. You won't have ups and downs. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Despite what many say, it can be easy, it can be a constant high without a low. Trust me. When you're with the right person, you know it through and through without doubt. The younger men are, the less girls they've been with, the less they know what they should expect and what constitutes a good relationship. But you'll know it when you're in it.
So that's strike one for the ex.
2) Men, and especially young men, are often reluctant to chase their dreams if said dreams lead away from security. If you go for the girl you seem to really want (Girl A), it takes you away from your fallback and may set you up for disappointment and a long period of singleness. Take the risk. Life is too short. I, personally, had about the slimmest chance in the world to be with the girl I really wanted, but I laid it on the line and we're still together. There were huge obstacles, but it's a wonderful feeling to remember sometimes how I never thought we'd be together, yet, here we are still. You only live once. Get with the girl who's so amazing you'll never want for another. This may not be either of these girls. It may be years before you meet her. But whatever you do, take the risk.
You've been dreaming about Girl A for 5 years. Now's your shot. Go get her.
3) Jealously is a HUGE, HUGE liability to you. You MUST find a way to conquer it. Men who are controlling and jealous are pretty much universally despised by both sexes. I'm not saying you're controlling, maybe you just keep it to yourself, but trust me, you have to work on this flaw. I'm not religious but a little leaven leavens the lump. If you don't cut the cancer out, it will destroy any and all relationships worth being in for you.
I hate jealous girls, and if I were a guy, I'd hate jealous guys. Trust is everything. Trust is the ultimate currency. If your relationship isn't built on trust, it will never be a happy one. If you trust someone, you don't care if they touch other people, spend some time with other people, whatever. Trust them. Girls will use this to test you. If they are angry about your jealousy, they might deliberately get all buddy-buddy with someone of the opposite sex whom they don't even like, just to get your negative reaction so they can justify their behavior. Alot of emotional affairs go this way. Once she starts talking to other guys about how controlling you are, you're fucked. Your only option is to trust her, be so confident in your desirability that you ignore threats from other guys. Girls rant on and on about how they love confidence. They will see that you aren't afraid of losing them, and stick with you. Honestly, girls sometimes do stupid, flirtatious things that are out of bounds because they don't realize the signals they are sending. But how many of us have been given signals by girls who weren't into us at all? Just because a girl does one imprudent thing with some other guy is a long, LONG way from dumping you for him. It's just not that flippin' easy to pick up girls and all men know it. So if a girl does something stupid, it's likely not on purpose (I mean girls honestly don't realize in what ways how they dress makes guys feel because they just aren't wired like us). But if you get all defensive and jealous, they will put all the fault on you. So just let it go. Confidence, confidence, confidence. You don't want her to nag your every flaw. So don't dig your own hole by pointing out her every mistake.
In short, you cannot hold onto anything you are afraid of losing. Fear causes your fears to come true. Don't be jealous. Don't show fear and what you fear won't happen, most likely.
Go for the girl you really want.
I completely agree. I wrote my long-ass post when there were zero responses and by the time I'd written it and posted, there were others before me. So I wasn't targeting my comments at you or anyone. I agree with all you've said on this thread as a matter of fact.
Anyone who isn't in the maze knows what the rat should do. Only the rat, who's down in the maze and can't see it with objectivity doesn't know what to do. We've all told a buddy a girl isn't good for him or whatever, but they never listen. Neither girl sounds likely to work out in the end for the OP, but you gotta get experience somehow. Walking away may be the best thing to do, but sometimes the only way to get experience is to charge in and follow your heart at the time, and it'll be good experience later down the road. Then he'll know for sure, for himself, the truth we're advocating.
I once asked a personal mentor if I was ready for a serious girlfriend and he was like, "You can't wait until everything is perfect. The only way to get better at relationships is to get experience with relationships. Maybe you're ready, maybe you're not, but just go for it." I did and it didn't work out, but I sure learned alot and I think the girl did too.
It's just like surfing. It's more like steady progress than having all the right knowledge and going out there and being a great surfer your first time.
To the OP, one more thing: FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST DON'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT AND YOU'RE GOOD TO GO. Use birth control + a condom + pull out if you have to, but DO NOT MAKE ANY BABIES. You're too young! That is a mistake you really can't afford to make in order to learn from.
I really don't know. But I know that there are times when it's OK to simply date, without being "in a relationship." Maybe this is one of these times -- so you can get to know if there's more to it.
Admittedly dating another would hurt someone who is "madly in love" with you. But... if you're trying to figure out which one's the better deal, you aren't madly in love back. Hurts, but there it is.
I don't know if I've given you advice. I will say that when it was time for me to connect to my now-wife... all prospects of someone else were uninteresting to me. But maybe that's just me.
there is one thing you have to know in life, this applies to work, relationships, everything.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. NO OTHER PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.
understand this and make decisions based off this.
Honestly, neither. You don't like Girl B enough ... and Girl A doesn't like you enough.
You're doing the same thing to B that A did to you. And, its going to end for you just like its ending for B. A's going to stay with you until something better comes along -- which won't be long -- and she'll spend the whole relationship pining away for her dream guy, which isn't you. Then she's going to feel really bad for breaking your heart as she leaves you behind. But, she'll do it anyway. Because, to A ... you're Plan B.
A feels about you the same way you feel about B. She wishes she liked you more. But, she doesn't. It isn't fair to B for you to string her along ... and, it isn't worth your time to let yourself get strung along by A.
Cut 'em both loose, and move on. If B was the right girl, you'd have been so enamored that you wouldn't have given A another thought .. and, if A was the right girl, it wouldn't have taken her five years to come around. There's somebody out there that you'll like as much as A, and that'll like you as much as B. Find her.