Don't feel so bad; you are only 24, right? I've spent twice the amount of time expending an awful lot of energy making everyone else happy.
To hit that sweet spot of standing ground in a calm, unrelenting Jedi fashion I strongly believe emotional control is key. If you can keep emotions out of the picture that's most of the battle; then you won't fly off the handle or back down from the strain of making someone unhappy.
That's the theory anyway. It's been very difficult for me to put it into practice, I have an extra 25 years of buried rage to deal with.
I think this is the most important part. KNowing what battles are worthy of being fought.
Something I still struggle with, yet hope I am getting better at.
Here's someone who fought for what he believed in without bluster or bullying.
...in a calm, unrelenting, nonaggressive way (AFAIK).
Maybe he will inspire.
Can you help?
Yes, I can. This is one of my specialties, and I'm currently writing a book on the topic.
My dad is the type of person who will raise his voice at anyone if he feels slightly taken advantage of-- for example- if someone is even somewhat rude at the market he causes a scene, I HATED this hyper vigilance and found myself being a very agreeable person just to counter what I saw in my dad.
The acorn doesn't fall all that far from the tree, eh?
Your different symptoms stem from exactly the same problem: both of you are too needy for other people to think, talk to you, and treat you in a way to validate your sense of self. He needs them to show him respect; you want people to believe that you're Mr. Nice Guy, that is, you want their approval--without taking advantage of you of course which would just make you feel like a doormat.
Suppose you walked up to a counter for service, and someone refused to serve you. That has happened to me many times; this is a very radical city and you're going to find a lot of extremes of behavior incuding some very hostile patterns. I've been assaulted by a bus driver, several bus drivers have gone postal on me, several have told me to get off the bus because they don't like my kind, and I've been refused service at service counters point blank. Once was in a grocery store where Caucasians almost never shop, and the cashier not only refused to ring up my order but insinuated I didn't have the funds to pay for it. It was right in front of my cousin and I was humiliated by the cashier's arrogant and hostile attitude, like I was riff-raff. I've been in a number of those situations--it's a tit-for-tat thing based on status.
Now, imagine a situation like that. You might reasonably feel enraged--like your dad might. I used to too. It was particularly bad when someone insulted my intelligence, because I had always been told I was "smart", so I was stupidly trying to defend a self-image as if their opinion of my intelligence was even vaguely relevant--I was allowing myself to get sucked into THEIR sense of reality.
Now, I don't. When someone is pointedly rude to me, I say "it's too bad YOU feel that way", tip my hat, wish them a pleasant day, and saunter out the door whistling a merry tune. No negative emotional reaction at all, or if there is just a smidgeon, I can resolve it in one short breath.
I do not allow others to have more control over my emotions than I do!! I do NOT react with negative emotions in those situations.
It's the same with grovelling for approval. You don't need to do that either. Politeness is good, but not a sort of servile need to ingratiate. You need to convince yourself that you do not require anyone else's approval. That you can be a happy and successful person without their permission if it comes to that.
Now, I hope that you let go of any negative feelings you might have for your dad. For one thing, you're doing something equivalent for the same reasons. For another, you'll both be happier if you accept him the way he is, lovingly accepting his limitations just as you accept your own. If you can grow out of this need for validation and approval, perhaps you can help him by example.
One thing that might help is meditation. It trains your brain to be able to over-ride habits and impulses. When you catch yourelf acting like a doormat, you can STOP and remember to POLITELY assert your rights.
Great success to you, bro.
HOWEVER as I enter manhood (I'm 24 now)
You've been legally a man for 6 years now, and physically so probably longer than that. I can help fill the gap there too, but I'm not prepared with comments off the top of my head at the moment. Wait for the book, and friend me if you want to be alerted when it's ready.
Repeat after me.
It's really just that simple. Assertiveness really is just the willingness to stick to your principles. In your example of the summer camp, the kids were asking permission from you as an authority figure. Yes. No. Later today. Realize and accept that these are your choices, not theirs.
The real trick is to balance assertiveness with aggressiveness. You don't want to fall to the side of aggression.