Hello guys, this is my very first discussion post and I would like your advice gaining confidence in myself. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I see a coward. I feel as though that I don't have what it takes to be a confident, outgoing and proud guy like everyone else. I feel like I'm such a loser sometimes. I'm also lack in social skills. I'm sort of a shy person, and always afraid to engage in social interaction with other guys around age (I'm 25 btw). I get so afraid of being judged and observed by people and cared way too much of what others think of me. I am good and friendly person, it just that I don't have a social life and that I'm feel afraid to be a real man. So I was hoping if I could get some feedback on how to improve my self-esteem and become a confident guy.

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For me, it was initiation:  having a group of men recognize me as being a man like them.  Nothing else did it.  I still had this and that fear, but I could always go back to that.

As someone who works in a grocery store, I can say that there would probably be no need to call a manager.  You would, however, be labeled as "that crazy guy who bought 1 grape" for the rest of the time you shop there.  They'll probably think you're stoned, as well.

For heaven's sake, don't do it during peak business hours (usually 4-7 PM), and you probably shouldn't do it near where you actually do your grocery shopping...

Being a hassle to people whose job is helping you isn't a manly thing to do, and it's not going to make you manly.

In general, "facing your fear" by putting yourself in/allowing yourself to experience awkward situations will help most people in your situation.

Warning:

As you progress with people you will one day run into the one who snubs your new friendliness.

Resist the urge, from your greater boldness, to tell that person "f*ck you, assh*le"

Shieldes is right.  There's nothing wrong with being an introvert.  Just don't be afraid.


The best way to combat a lousy inner-monologue -- which is your real problem -- is to prove it wrong.  You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone.  Assert yourself when the occasion calls for it.  Speak when you have something to say.  Force yourself to endure it.  It'll suck at first ... but it won't be as bad as you're thinking it is, and you'll get used to it.

 

JB

Thank you so much for this advice. This by far the best advice I ever received.

Excellent advice, Shieldes.  Do we have an introvert group here on AoM?  I would join it!

I do want to say, "Fake it till you make it" is good advice for some things, and so is "do positive self-talk."  For some things, for me, it just wasn't enough -- but it was still good to have a go at it.

Use external queues to instill the goal internally.  That is what is meant by fake it till you make it.

Adjust your style of dress.  Some put pebbles in their shoes to remind them to stand well.  Perhaps a bracelet to remind you of your goals.

If you lack "social skills", one research etiquette and go out with friends to social situations.  Even having dinner with a friend counts.  Pay attention to how others in the area are interacting.

A lot of it is really practice and experience.  Know your "epic failures"  will go unnoticed by most.  Your nervous and in that setting everything feels epic.   You can do it but you need to have a clear goal, a metric that is measurable and sub points to that goal.  

 

Thanks!

 I feel as though that I don't have what it takes to be a confident, outgoing and proud guy like everyone else.

That's because we are surrounded by extroverts who have no problem being demonstrative, and we take that for confidence. It's not necessarily.

 I get so afraid of being judged and observed by people and cared way too much of what others think of me.

You've tied your self-esteem to others' opinions of you. I did and still often do...it's a terrible way to live, because then I am afraid to stand up for myself.

feel afraid to be a real man

What is a real man? It's easy to look at others who are born to be the squeaky wheel, make large waves as they move through life and feel lesser. Screw the "real man" bit. Focus on being yourself for awhile, the real man will come, the real man that is you.

As one who still battles it, all I can say it's something you need to work on, every day, and that there will be no quick fixes, tricks you can do. It has to come from within, be as natural as breathing, or as the first thought that comes to you when you are at rest. I won't repeat all the good, specific advice already put down there, it is important you do what you feel works for you, and that is going to need to be out of your comfort zone in order to grow.

All the best to you!!

In my experience, conspicuous extroverts are rarely as confident as they seem.  Insecurity hides better in noise.  The more confident one is usually the introverted guy that isn't afraid to speak when he has something to say ... and isn't afraid to shut-up when he doesn't.


JB

You've tied your self-esteem to others' opinions of you.

Bingo.

Carl is right, and you need to unlearn that habit. You'll be so much happier, and ironically, you'll find it so much easier to make friends, if you can let go of it. There is some sort of paradox going on, that the needier you are for people to like you, the more you drive them away.

I would also add that your fear of others opinions is actually more of your own negative self-image that you're "projecting" onto others. But even if they DID have negative opinions of you (they probably don't--they're your own beliefs), you need to not allow your happiness to depend on their opinions. Otherwise, you put yourself in an emotional blackmail situation, and you will be held hostage for the rest of your life, always grovelling for approval.

Been there, done that. :(

One more thing to add: you don't need "self-confidence", you need to "lose your self". The smaller your ego is, the less of a target it is. Don't worry about self-confidence, instead, you won't need it once you get over the self-esteem issue. Once you cease obsessing about your self-image, you'll discover that you can handle a great  deal of social pressure, quite comfortably, like Marcus here:

Watch every single episode of this:

Your charisma coach

http://www.yourcharismacoach.com/episodes/

There are a few episodes about self-esteem, but most of them are about building rapport. Watch them all, regardless. They're posted newest-to-oldest. They'll make more sense if you watch them in order of oldest-to-newest.

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