My wife an I have an ongoing problem in the bedroom. My natural sexual style is to be aggressive and somewhat dominant. She enjoys that at times, but at other times wants me to make love to her slowly and tenderly. I want to give her what she wants and try to comply, but she senses that I'm not that "into it" (I often lose my erection when cuddling her or going down on her), and this makes her feel unloved.
I think the fundamental problem is that I am very selfish when it comes to sex. I want to please her, but I want to please her the way I want to please her. It's not just a case of needing to learn other techniques - I need to change my attitude toward sex. But I don't know how to change my attitude. Can anyone help?
It might be as simple as a shift in perspective.
For me it's a little bit about ownership... I want to own her pleasure. Every orgasm she has, is mine to give her and because of me. It is not an issue of me complying with what she wants, it is me giving her what is only mine to give. If that makes sense.
It probably helps that seeing (and hearing) her turned on and having an orgasm turns me on, though.
Seeing and hearing her turned on or having an orgasm turns me on tremendously as well. She would add "as long as I'm doing it my way." I think much of the problem is that I never learned how to make love to a woman as opposed to more aggressively "taking" her (not against her will, to be clear). So some of this could be that I get anxious when trying to pleasure her in gentler ways because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm working on fixing that, but I'm afraid that she's right that there is another component -- the selfish part. I don't know. It's kind of moot at the moment because we had a bad fight last night, the kind where I said something I really shouldn't have. It's going to be a long time getting back to where we were I'm afraid, much less making progress.
There's plenty of time for both of you, I am sure. And I can't believe having her being all into you isn't delightful too!
Very good advice from SteveSF.
Continuing Steve's train of thought: Sexual touch for each person may vary with each intimate encounter. Being open to touching your spouse in various ways according to what each spouse desires at any given moment is an art and one to be cultivated. As our "vocabulary" of sexual touching increases, we discover more and more erotic uses for our fingers, tongue, cock, etc. The key, however, is being aware that variations in pressure, stroking, caressing, and the like stimulate sexual desire more than doing the same thing every time.
I think men have such an evident display of arousal (a hard cock) that we forget that a woman's response is more internal, yet, just as intense. We also use arousal "techniques" to stimulate our wives that we like done to us. It just doesn't work that way. Again, be open to new ways of arousing your wife and I’m not implying necessarily “new techniques.” At least in my experience, I can guarantee that if you “change your attitude about sex” she will view you as a real, aggressive and dominant stud no matter if it’s cuddling or rough and ready.
One more thought: Men do lose their erections during sex for a variety of reasons and it seems that many men feel defeated or inadequate when this happens. If it does happen and it will happen from time to time, make sure you are aware that you can still orgasm even with a limp cock. Manual stimulation of a limp penis can still bring about an orgasm whether you are your wife does the honors for and to your little guy. Wow! There is so much to say about the erotic pleasures of non-penetrative sex. But, perhaps, that is for another post or another discussion group.
John M., I’m impressed that you even brought this subject up. I can bet you that a lot of men have the same issue but are afraid to talk about it. They will read your discussion without commenting hoping that they will find some information that will help them in their own bedroom issues. As for you, you are well on your way to new discoveries as well as cementing a deeper relationship with your dear on.
Two good answers. Davis continues to impress.
At this reading the "views" for your discussion topic are at 88. I predict that what you have brought for discussion is going to escalate in "views." We men take more time than we would like to admit that our physical expressions of love toward our wives are sadly lacking in variety. Yes, you nailed it when you wrote "How to be a less selfish lover." But, no need to despair and give up, we can learn to be selfless lovers. The time to start is NOW.
Thank you (and others) for the positive responses. I'm certainly not giving up. I'm more looking for ways to move forward. I would be entirely fine with pleasuring my wife without thought of my own pleasure until she cums, then it being my turn. The problem (aside from my needing to improve my technique, use more variety, not always stroke so hard, etc.) is that she takes me losing my erection as a sign that I don't enjoy pleasuring her, and then turns that into "he doesn't care about my pleasure" or "he isn't turned on by *me*, he's only turned on my doing the things he wants to do -- and I bet it wouldn't matter who he was doing it with."
I've tried to convince her this isn't true, but she's not buying. So what I'm really trying to figure out is how to stay aroused while giving her what she wants.
That is happening because you are focusing on something else besides you. It should come right back once you are ready to use it. She can take a hands on approach to keep it from happening while you are tending to her.
I have the same issue myself with losing erections (especially after going down fortoolong). They do come back
Just assure her that it happens to other guys to and she need not take it personally, that isn't helping the situation