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How long does one wait?
Hello all,
Sorry if this is a long drawn out, convoluted post; I'm not that great at writing threads.
I am currently studying abroad in Australia for the semester and am now single. I dated this girl for almost 2 and a half years. Everything was great until last spring break when she kissed (not hookup) another guy on the trip (she was drunk and she never really drank before this). She told me as soon as she got back and I was obviously upset. She showed a great deal of remorse and said it was the worst mistake of her life. We didn't break up because I think I got so used to dating her that it would just be a totally different feel. So we stayed together and everything was good, except it was so hard to drop the image or thought of her betraying me like that.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to another kid that is here and the spring break trip came up and he said that she fell asleep in the guys' room of the hotel that night. I was really surprised to hear about this and when she got back I asked her about it. She started to break down and told me that she slept in the same bed and kissed him again in the bed. She said nothing else happened and I believe her. I got really upset and tried dumping her that night but she was a wreck and I said it'll be okay, knowing that this was never going to work. Over the next couple days we tried staying together but I just couldn't so I started with a break over the weekend and broke it off when I came back. So now we are officially broken up, but still remaining friends.
I've honestly been doing great these past couple weeks. I feel relieved now that its over and I don't have to think about it. I feel like I should have ended it last spring.
Now, there is a cute girl that is here from a school in New York that I would like to get to know better. I'm not talking about jumping from one girlfriend to the next, I don't want that. We're in the same friend group so we see each other pretty frequently. I'm just wondering what an appropriate amount of time is before asking this girl to lunch or dinner or something.
Also, how do I muster the courage to actually ask her? I've always been shy around the ladies so this isn't my strong suit. I feel that I've gotten more confident in the past couple weeks/months so thats a good thing I guess.
Sorry for the long, maybe overdrawn post.
What are your thoughts on the whole situation?
P.S. If I don't do anything, this girl will go back at the end of the semester and I will probably never talk to her again...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Liam S. on -
I'm just wondering what an appropriate amount of time is before asking this girl to lunch or dinner or something.
It sounds like you're doing well, and aware of the pitfalls. So I wouldn't worry too much. Now is fine.
Also, how do I muster the courage to actually ask her?
Just do it. It doesn't need to be much. Just a simple, "Would you like to get coffee?" Will do.
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Permalink Reply by LShieldes on
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If you feel ready to ask, you have waited as long as you need to.
As far as how to muster the courage, well, just f'n do it
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Permalink Reply by D.J. on -
Liam and LShields nailed this one. Sounds to me like you're ready to ask her out. The only thing may be etiquette, in that it might look bad to others that you're going from one girlfriend to the next. I did that once (broke up with a girlfriend and got in another relationship about a month later). I didn't think much of it, but I'm sure other people thought I orchestrated it all and I was classless. But whatever. Don't give any weight to what others think in a situation like this. Now is as good a time as any to ask her.
As for the courage part, I'm shy too. But just do what Liam said and it'll be fine. I know its easier said than done, but you gotta trust us here. Just ask her and be done with it.
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Permalink Reply by Nick on -
That's the kicker here, the etiquette. I don't want to seem like some douche that goes from girl to girl. I think its definitely worse because we were dating for 2 years rather than just a month or two.
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Permalink Reply by Richard P on -
All great responses from the fellow gentlemen here.
My advice is when you feel that fear almost paralyse you, happens to me sometimes as well. I just tell myself that all I need to do is 20 seconds of courage then it will all be over. Deep breath, close yours eyes for a micro-second to make sure your head is clear then just ask her.
PS. Stole the 20s of courage from the movie 'We bought a zoo'
Hope this helps!
Richard from Romantic Missions
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on -
The girl cheated on you twice with the same guy and you're still "friends". Why?
But anyway, you're single, you like this girl, and time is a wasting. Ask her out. Think about it. Your ex hopped in a bed (and nothing happened supposedly) with a guy twice while dating you. Are you now worried that she might be offended that you are dating a girl after breaking up with her?
You muster the courage by just doing it. Make a plan. And not a "whenever" plan. But treat it like a military action if need be. On the date of X, you will ask Y, to go on a date. You will have a plan (coffee, drink, etc) and will ask her if she would like to go on a date with you to (coffee,etc).
Just do it. No one here can given you some magic that will make you more confident. You get that by acting.
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Permalink Reply by Nick on
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I understand where you're coming from and it doesn't bother me at all what she would think. I just don't want other people to get the wrong impression.
I get that no one here has magic they can give me and that it totally comes from within, I just have never really done this so its kind of new to me.
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Permalink Reply by J. R. Manard on
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Just ask her out already. Who cares if she *might* think you are just going from girl to girl. You're putting words in her mouth without giving her the chance to make her own judgement about whether or not she would like to date you. Just do it.
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Permalink Reply by Nick on
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I don't mean the girl that I think is cute. This girl probably doesn't even know the ex, there are a couple different schools in the program. I'm not worried what the girl I want to ask is going to think, but other people in the program. This just proves your point even more haha
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Permalink Reply by Sean Michael Bach on
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Do you truly care about how other people see your personal dealings? Is your love life the business of others? Do you want to live your life pleasing other people, or doing what's right for you?
You want to be with this girl. She seems to like you. You, obviously, like her. The equation needs no more variables to solve for 'X'. The opinions of that shadowy mass known vaguely as "other people" are not only irrelevant, but also entirely made up of your own mind to give you an excuse to not profess interest in this girl. So, stop making excuses and just do it. Check this out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABgL2LcoBTU
You'll thank me later if you act like this guy.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on -
Why wait at all? Its a break-up, not a death. It was justified, and you're over it. No need for a mourning period for a good idea. She didn't even wait 'til you broke -up ... and you're thinking about letting a good girl pass you by for her?
Muster the courage the same way you did for the last girl. Just ask.
JB
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