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How do you deal with emotional manipulation?
Me and my friends, both guys, both 19,been friends for 10yrs, got into a little tiff the other night.
I'm home for the summer back to me my first year of college, and he just graduated high school. Earlier in the day, we had talked and I had asked him what his plans were for the night, and he said he had a softball game but suggested we hang out after dinner, I agreed.
Later that night, around 5ish, he invites me over for dinner, and I decline, saying that I had asked my parents to make a certain dish that night, but still offered to come over after. He said don't bother, then tested me later saying that was an asshole move. I said it wasn't, I was going to be home when my parent made a dish I requested, and the argument devolved from there. He cited that he just wanted to give his mom come company tonight, and that he's been over at my house a lot this summer (his gym is 2min away, so he swings by afterwards often.) he then said I wasn't putting any effort into the friendship (I took him camping with my family that weekend,) and that I never try to make plans with him, only the other way around. Then said count me out. I told him that I hardly have plans and he knows it (my friends are all over the country for the summer) and that he often does, but I still ask him what he's up to. I then agreed to come to dinner (poor move) and he said no don't, I need to cool off.
Before when I've declined similar invitations for similar reasons, he's gotten mad as well, even though he does the same thing all the time. He is leaving for 2 years (jesuits) in a week and a half, so he might be anxious, but I don't think that excuses this. He's always been a manipulator and I haven't realized he does it to me till just now.
How do you deal with emotional manipulation like this? Using his mother and citing poor effort on my part, when that's arguably untrue? I can provide any other details if needed.
thanks guys!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mike D. on -
I don't put up with that sort of thing. If he does this all the time he's a bad friend. If it was unusual I would have a conversation with him to ask him what's going on but if he always tries to manipulate you don't put up with it. Let yourself drift apart from him.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on -
Sounds like your friend is a drama queen. Assuming this isn't just a one-off event, but is an actual habit ... the way to deal with it is to ignore it. Don't indulge the drama, or give him the payoff he's looking for.
But, if you deal with it that way -- as you should -- it won't end well. He'll get pissed off and more hysterical. You'll continue to ignore. He'll give you an ultimatum. You'll break it. He'll storm off in a hissy fit hoping you'll chase him. You won't. He might come back, he might not. It'll be a first-rate clusterf*ck. But, such is the nature of friendships with fussy, high maintenance, desperate, needy, drama queens.
The only way to deal with it without pissing him off more is to give him what he wants when he whines. Everytime.
Other option is to tell him to buzz off and come back when he grows up.JB
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
You should bang his mom.
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on -
Scheduling after major life transitions (like graduation and going off to college) can be tricky, especially when the 2 sides have different scheduling styles. I like to plan ahead, but am generally free. A lot of my friends and family don't plan ahead, and my family seems never to be free.
I deal by just not initiating plans with a lot of friends. I respond to their invitations, but I've been burned by friends' ignoring my invitations for events too far in advance for their tastes, so I just don't host any more, because I don't enjoy hosting last-minute.
For my family, I tell them, "If you want to see me, I need to know by X." For important events, like a birthday, where I may make other plans before they decide what they want, I tell them way far in advance, "I'm getting other invitations for the weekend of sister's birthday. Please figure out when we're getting together so I can plan that weekend."
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Permalink Reply by Will on -
Sounds like an abandonment issue. You aren't responsible, but if you want to help him, you might try:
* issuing an invitation when you like and ignoring any drama you don't want
* don't get hooked if he offers accusations. Ignore it, deflect it, but above all don't argue with it
* see past it. I think he's afraid to connect to you, and wants it to be your fault. Not an adult move, but there's a plous in that: he wants to connect
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