"I would if I knew any :/ but for now, I'm hoping someone on here might be able to offer some advice..."
History Repeats? I am young and do not quite understand.
*So as a guy--especially a young one--I do not understand many things about women/girls, may someone please help clear up something for me? This cycle keeps repeating, regardless of the gal I am with.
*If a girl feels appreciated, respected, treasured, unconditionally accepted and loved by someone special, what is so deathly terrifying about even the thought possibility of being asked to be that person's girlfriend?
*I really do not get it, they'll be as happy as can be one moment, telling their friends and family about their very own storybook life, yet the next moment they throw everything away based solely upon an assumption without seeking any clarification or consultation.
*I mean, it makes sense to call off a potential if you can't ever get along, can't stand each other, can't resolve conflicts, are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, if you feel threatened, or are with someone who does not respect you or is unfaithful to you. But why
call off something that is going quite swimmingly?
Isn't that like getting a great new car for free without conditions or obligations, then leaving it by the side of the road because you're worried you might need to invest time, money and effort in it?
*(To be fair, if it were up to me I would already be graduated, a full time employee, who is married with at least two young children. So, perhaps I just radiate with the vibe that I'm looking for a life long partner so the moment a gal considers the possibility of becoming my girlfriend she panics because she's not sure if that is what she really wants.)
(Please note, that I do not instill this idea in them, in fact I never bring it up upon the basis that true love needs to be given and received without obligation or expectation.)
*I may be completely wrong about all this. Regardless, it is hardly pleasant to say the least--and if at all possible, I would prefer it never happen again.
Thank you for your time and patience,
Joshua Martinez-Onstott
Tags: advice, relationship, seeking, trouble
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on -
You too? This site is good for something! lol
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on
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You test them well, as I think I get it.
Ouch, lol.
I cannot return such banter, all I can reply is with this:
In cuttlefish, masters of disguise, it has been observed that the smarter of them will transform himself into a female and get past the fighting males to the target female. This deception is rewarded, as the female will then mate with that clever cuttlefish.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on -
No need for the "ouch". Wasn't meant as an insult. Just yanking your chain.
Fair enough. Just have to find a chick that doesn't mind mating with a guy that acts like a chick. Might be an easier feat among cuttlefish than humans.
JB
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
Well played.
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Permalink Reply by Margie on -
Well, since we're on the subject of love and cephalopods, and I very seriously doubt that'll ever happen again, I just couldn't help myself...
I'll credit Dallas. It's a video from his Amazing Animals thread. Still my favorite of the bunch, too.
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on
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IDGI
In your other post you say you are a Renaissance family man, and here you are unmarried.
(To be fair, if it were up to me I would already be graduated, a full time employee, who is married with at least two young children.
If it were up to me I'd be living on a hundred acre tract in Tinicum, in a glass contemporary cantilevered over a stream, my family, a pack of five chocolate labs and a party barn.
I'm a results-focused guy who wants it done already too. I have to keep reminding myself to sit back and enjoy the process, and I advise you do that too.
As for woman; you come off a tad smug and self satisfied with yourself in your other posting as well. I would get rid of that; don't be out to impress anyone, just be yourself and you'll attract the person you were meant to spend your life with.
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Permalink Reply by Dave Ambrose on -
Sounds to me that you, like many your age, place far too much emphasis and importance on relationships. My advice is to just live and enjoy life. Pursue hobbies and other things that make you happy. You don't need someone else to define you. Define yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Eventually.
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
First of all, how old are you and how old is she? Many young women want the 'bad-boy' as he is exciting and does things the 'not-bad-boy' will do. They, the girls you've asked before, may not want to limit their possibilities and, just as the boys do, want to play the field for a while.
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on -
If a girl feels appreciated, respected, treasured, unconditionally accepted and loved by someone special, what is so deathly terrifying about even the thought possibility of being asked to be that person's girlfriend?
I think you failed because you did it backwards. Next time ask her out on a few dates, build up the relationship as something that is exclusive before you start with the love, treasured, and unconditionally accepting bit. Why would this girl want to date you? You've already given her everything, if she dates you and then wants to date another she will risk losing all that devotion. You might as well ask a girl who goes on a one night stand why the boy didn't call and invite her to meet his mother the following night.
Also, a woman may want unconditional love and acceptance. Who wouldn't? But unconditional love and acceptance is something one earns, like trust. If you just shower them with it before you've even become a couple then what value has that?
Also, if you have given this to several women then perhaps they think you are flakey. Its like when you have two people in a meeting, one who always talks endlessly and another who rarely speaks, then when the quiet one says something, people are more likely to listen. Likewise, if you are unconditionally devoting yourself to women who've you haven't even gotten in a serious relationship with yet then how special could your devotion actually be?
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Permalink Reply by StaggerLee on -
"..perhaps I just radiate with the vibe that I'm looking for a life long partner..."
You may be on to something here. I, too, had difficulty maintaining relationships, or even getting them started for the longest time. I ran into a woman with whom I flirted years before and after the usual catching up small talk I asked about why the girls in our circle were so standoffish. Apparently I was considered too emotionally intense and it was feared a relationship with me would be too serious. It just wasn't where they were at in their lives and I probably was wrapped too freaking tight!Two suggestions. Well, OK! One suggestion and the fourth and goal bit. You hint at being fairly young. Lighten up a little bit. Not always, but it does often seem the case that the relationships we want the most come to us when we are seeking them the least. And persevere! Eventually you will come across a good match as long as you are a genuine and decent man, and I see nothing to suggest otherwise here.
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Permalink Reply by swmnguy on -
One thing I found useful in my days as a young man (OK, in the first 46 years of my life, and I'm 46) is to try very hard to see where my thoughts and emotions end and another person's thoughts and emotions begin. In short, to learn what I can control and is my business, and what is not.
That's not very easy to do, which is why it takes effort and attention.
It's very easy to get caught up in our own wants and needs; so much so that it's easy to confuse wants and needs. From that state of confusion, it becomes very easy to miss cues other people are giving us, and to assume they somehow know our emotional and mental state. Once we've twisted ourselves up that far, it is a natural progression to taking on what we perceive to be their emotions, wants and needs and internalizing them.
By this point we're so wrapped around the axle we can't do anything but act weird and give off strange signals. We might as well put up a billboard saying, "Women of Earth!! Beware!!" But of course, everyone around us notices we're acting weird by then, and since we've gotten ourselves all tangled up, we perceive ourselves as acting in a perfectly reasonable way, and everyone else is acting weird and it's upsetting to us, if not downright alarming.
You might try to rein your mind in a bit. Try to only react to what you can physically observe and perceive, and don't read anything into anything. Take what people (women) give you and not one thing more--and then respond honestly and appropriately. You might read a decent translation of the Greek/Roman philosopher Epictetus, if only for some perspective.
In short, you're thinking w-a-y too much. Don't worry about it; it's normal. Everyone else around you is probably doing it too. Just try to remain calm, take care of the things you can take care and not worry so much about things you can't control, with other human beings who are women being a prime example. You'll be fine.
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