"just took a quick peep at your photostream. awesome stuff. i'll dive in later. it's midnight here, and i gotta crash."
History Repeats? I am young and do not quite understand.
*So as a guy--especially a young one--I do not understand many things about women/girls, may someone please help clear up something for me? This cycle keeps repeating, regardless of the gal I am with.
*If a girl feels appreciated, respected, treasured, unconditionally accepted and loved by someone special, what is so deathly terrifying about even the thought possibility of being asked to be that person's girlfriend?
*I really do not get it, they'll be as happy as can be one moment, telling their friends and family about their very own storybook life, yet the next moment they throw everything away based solely upon an assumption without seeking any clarification or consultation.
*I mean, it makes sense to call off a potential if you can't ever get along, can't stand each other, can't resolve conflicts, are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, if you feel threatened, or are with someone who does not respect you or is unfaithful to you. But why
call off something that is going quite swimmingly?
Isn't that like getting a great new car for free without conditions or obligations, then leaving it by the side of the road because you're worried you might need to invest time, money and effort in it?
*(To be fair, if it were up to me I would already be graduated, a full time employee, who is married with at least two young children. So, perhaps I just radiate with the vibe that I'm looking for a life long partner so the moment a gal considers the possibility of becoming my girlfriend she panics because she's not sure if that is what she really wants.)
(Please note, that I do not instill this idea in them, in fact I never bring it up upon the basis that true love needs to be given and received without obligation or expectation.)
*I may be completely wrong about all this. Regardless, it is hardly pleasant to say the least--and if at all possible, I would prefer it never happen again.
Thank you for your time and patience,
Joshua Martinez-Onstott
Tags: advice, relationship, seeking, trouble
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Zach. on -
That sucks man. I feel for you. I had that same experience, for many years. All I can tell you is the time will come. Eventually you'll find "The One". Just take every relationship you find yourself in, as a learning experience. I had to wait a long time, and go through a lot of heartbreak before meeting my wife. Good things come to those who wait.
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Permalink Reply by Nathanael on -
Sounds like you keep getting friendzoned, though your post wasn't as clear as it could have been.
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Permalink Reply by Matt Tantillo on -
You'd be better off asking this question to some of your female friends, as men can never really tell you what a woman thinks/wants.
As a young man also on the lookout for what could be a long-term relationship, here's what I can tell you from my own opinions: many women are as confused as to what they want as you are as to why they shy away from relationships. There is so much opportunity in the world, and both genders are brought up (in my region of the world, at least) told they can to anything they want.
There is one key difference, however, in what relationships mean for each gender. Men can have a relationship, on just about any level of commitment, and still be able to depart and pursue their own goals without much social restriction. Women, on the other hand, are generally expected to be a more central part of the relationship. Be it as a patient, stable girlfriend, a mother, or some other position that, traditionally, doesn't have much room for seeking out other goals in life.
Obviously, our modern world does make it possible for women to be in relationships and have their own lives/goals regardless, but it seems to me like many women are scared they might unintentionally sacrifice their own hopes/dreams by committing themselves to a relationship with a man; they are scared of commitment.I can't say anything in particular about your relationships nor the women involved in them, but unless you're dating very loose women who just don't want any sort of commitment (commonly known as skanks and hoes) then I'd bet your female friends fall somewhere around what I said above.
*Again, everything I said in this post is my own opinions.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on -
You don't need the disclaimer. Most of us are bright enough to figure out you're writing your opinions.
It is possible for a man to tell what a woman is thinks or wants. Context clues. They're people, not aliens. Then again, you said a man can't tell him ... and then you spent four paragraphs telling him.
A lot of women would laugh at the "scared of commitment" thing. Seems more likely that she just doesn't want to commit to him, as opposed to a generalized fear. If Brad Pitt came along, I'll bet she'd commit in a heartbeat.
JB
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Permalink Reply by Matt Tantillo on
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Yeah, I get caught on that a lot. The disclaimer was to say that even though I made a bunch of assertions, they could all be 100% wrong since I've never picked a woman's brain about relationships.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on
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I'm on a one-man crusade against useless disclaimers that weaken your point. Don't apologize for what you think. Own it.
JB
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on
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Your post was a little vague, but it sounds like you've been friendzoned. She likes you, she just doesn't want you.
The girl likes you, she wants to be around you ... but isn't attracted to you, and doesn't want to be romantically involved with you. She wants to talk to you, not make-out with you. You're not the guy she dates, you're the guy she talks to about the guys she dates. You are, unfortunately, the male equivalent of one of her girlfriends.
Sorry, man.
JB
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on -
Not a horrible position to be in, JB.
I was in that position for years. Yea, it sucks, but those girls date and go out, realize those men suck, and they start comparing these men to their existing male friends.
That's when you move in (and it takes balls) for the kill.
I did it and it's resulted in a very stable marriage, and I know I am not alone.
My other two siblings did the conventional date route; they are both divorced now.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on
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It isn't impossible. Its an uphill climb, though. There's always a chance the guy she's attracted to won't suck enough for you to get your foot in the door. You're better off being the guy she dates -- or finding a girl that wants to date you -- and then focusing on not-sucking rather than waiting around hoping the guy sucks.
At the moment, he's in a better position. He's the starter. You're the backup, at best. The opportunity is his to lose. He's in the game, while you're sitting on the sidelines hoping he gets injured ... and then hoping you're somewhere on the depth chart (which you very well may not be). I'd try to get in another game rather than pining for a job she doesn't want to give me.
JB
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on
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Good analogy. (and I'm very proud of myself for understanding your football terms, lol)
I knew you'd having something good to add.
Yes, my way was pretty painful, but not hopeless.
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on
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The real kick-in-the-teeth would be when the starter sucks ... and she drafts a rookie replacement. Tough way to find out you weren't even on the roster.
You were waiting around on her sideline because you were the waterboy. Not a player. Never getting in the game. Not even on the practice squad ... so she could get acclamated to physical contact between games (Heh. The analogy that never stops giving). Just the schmuck that gets her drinks while she waits for somebody to put the ball back in play.
My inclination would be to try my luck in free agency before enduring that.
(I wrote that mostly to test the limits of the analogy and to throw more football jargon at you.)
JB
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