Her anxiety and my tolerance: long-term relationship in jeopardy

Oh how I wish it were in the television show instead but alas this is prime-time reality right now. The woman I'm with is a constant challenge like handling a delicate and expensive vase owned by an over-protective collector. I have been with her for nearly three years. I realize that that is not even a blink of an eye in the flowing river of time but the problem lies in my unconditional love and her growing anxieties. 

At the beginning of the relationship, it was a minor annoyance. She has a tendency to make mountains out of mole hills, balloon small problems up like it's the end of the world. When her need to vent, rant, explode, or turn on the waterworks appears, I'm there, as always for her, getting the shit-end of the stick and like a sponge, I have my saturation limits.

It's getting dangerously close to it.

I love this woman to death for her big heart, her passion, gentleness, bull-headedness (good and bad thing) and more reasons. I recently signed a lease for an apartment with her for the next year. But the bad is out-weighing the good too much. She's very anxious and stubborn and far too sensitive that I find it difficult to share my deep thoughts and hold a normal conversation.

Point being, I do not believe this flame will last longer than the apartment lease if this continues. She knows she's like this and how I just soak it up yet she does nothing about it, simply continues. I want to bring this to her attention again more firmly in the future and if nothing changes by next Spring, I press the big red button.

Am I doing the right thing? I feel my tolerance waning by the week and this is becoming detrimental to my mental being. It's too late to cut the wire now. I want to persevere to next year and see what becomes of us. How would you proceed? Any advice? I'm nearly at the end of my rope.

Tags: heart, jeopardy, relationship, trouble

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You should ask her instead of us. After all, she's the one with your balls in her handbag.

Sounds like a girl I dated for a long time. My advice: run away. She isn't going to change. I would normally advocate for loyalty, but there is only so much you can take. I get that. There are other fish in the sea. Don't run the risk of getting tossed out in the street, like I did. Move on.

Sounds like my wife. If she won't get professional help, just get out.

You need to make it clear to her that if she doesn't get a handle on this, it will drive you away.  And if she's unwilling to work to fix the problem, you need to get clear of her. 

All of the above (or most), plus this:  there's a reason she gets away with this.  It's because you support her in it.  You may not like it, but it's what you do.

If you want to save this thing, you'd do well to stop enabling the thing that's driving you mad.  And I don't think it's a brave thing to silently endure and then disappear.  The brave and manly thing is to speak your mind, even if you fear an explosion.  You're a man.  You can handle an explosion.  (You may want to strategize how in advance, though.)

...and if you ever do find somebody you want to marry, it would be wise not to assume the same thing won't happen with that one as well.  After all, you picked this one.  You may well pick another.  Best develop the ability to handle it effectively, which includes not taking so much guff you end up miserable.

My wife used to do the same shit. after 4 years We almost got a divorce but decided to work on it for the kids. Last year I told her to get help or I was done. After a couple months of her getting some help things got better. Sometimes people have stuff that they need to work out of their system and you cant help them. A counselor might be a good idea.

You are not married to her and I would say moving in with her is not the answer either. Make an ultimatum of her seeking help for her emotional outbursts or walk away. We cannot fix people, we can only walk with them while they are working on their own shit.

Ultimatums are bad ideas. They polarize and only rarely work. Unless the girl here is sincere in changing nothing will work, ultimatum or not. Ultimatums won't change behavior in the absence of internal motivation. And if there is internal motivation what's the point of an ultimatum anyway?

Oh the power love can hold.  I empathize with you, the desire to save the day and fix the problems often has us staying in situations that are toxic.  You said it yourself, this isn't a tv show or movie, her behavior is not cute, its annoying and destroying your feelings for her.

In my experience, a tiger does not change its stripes. She will not change, even if you put your foot down and she tries to convince you that she has changed I promise her behavior will return in the future. Professional help may provide a measure of resolution but I've never run into a girl who would be willing to admit they needed to seek help.  If she is willing to swallow her pride and seek help, I would hang in there a bit longer. If she snaps at you for suggesting there is anything wrong with her or makes you feel like you are the one at fault, its time to go.

I think you both need to learn to communicate better on both sides.

I had a great coversation with my wife where I pointed out a couple of women that looked good.  We discussed the aspects that looked good, what worked on them and what could also work for my wife.  The thing is my wife and I are very secure in our commitment to each other, but my wife knows that men's eyes wander around.  Rather then getting upset about it she accepts it.  In that acceptance, we have build stronger trusts.  

If I had a wife that could not handle me looking at a great outfit or whatever, if I had to guard my statements and such I don't think I could really share my deep thoughts.  I can see how you are boxed in.  But the thing is you both need work on building that trust and communication in each other.

I wouldn't have signed a lease.  You're not married ... your 'love' shouldn't be unconditional, yet.  You're still in the decision-making stage.

 

Decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, and act in accordance.

 

JB

+1

Yet another GOOD REASON not to 'cohabitate' prior to marriage.

If this woman continues her ways while you're cohabitating what do you think your mental state will be after a year of her 'issues'?

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