I need some help. It feels like my entire life has come crashing down on me today.

First things first to make a long story short I have become very good friends with a girl I met online a few months ago. We have voice chatted many times and I know what she looks like. I don't like her in any kind of love interest. I do love her as a very, very good friend. She told me many times she thinks of me as a brother at times and at times I think of her as a sister in a way. Both of us know we aren't each others type. She is my age also 20. About a few weeks after we meet and established we aren't each others types, she asked me if we did meet, would I be ok with her cuddling with me. After a few moments of thinking about it and taking in the bluntness (she is very blunt as I have found out) of it I said yes. She proceeded to ask me about kissing her I again paused and also said only if she is ok with it. About two months ago she said her summer was free and I casually mentioned that if she wanted to she could visit me. She was very happy about that and said she will get back to me. After that, I started to imagine us cuddling a lot. We always flirted, nothing really serious mind you but it was fun since she was the first girl I felt comfortable with even though I never have seen her in person. We always talked about cuddling.

About a month ago she had to go back to Canada (she was living in Texas since January and she is French Canadian) and she told me (she was almost in tears) that she wouldn't be able to visit in August. Both of us were upset, I think her more than me. About two weeks ago she told me a guy she has known since late last year kissed her. I became very jealous because for some reason I though I would be the first guy she kissed. She went on a date with the guy last week. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her and I hope it works out. All the time though I kept thinking about how I wanted to hold her, to cuddle her, to kiss her and I hated myself for it because I felt like I am looking at her as a physical object, not a person. I broke down and talked to my best friend of 17 years about it. He listened to the entire story and said that I shouldn't feel bad about these feelings because it is natural for a young guy to do that. After that I didn't have any of those thoughts as much.  Due to events I am not going to talk about she has been spending a lot of time with him. Nothing romantic but still spending time with him.

So today we were talking and she was visiting his parents house with him on their way to a place. It is a strictly professional thing they are doing. She told me that it was embarrassing when they had to explain to the guy's parents they wanted separate rooms. Apparently in the French-Canadian culture if a guy and a girl like each other they have sex and start a family as soon as possible. If it wasn't for personal quicks they both have, they would have had sex already. She told me that the both of them had 'the talk' a few days ago and both said they weren't ready at all. After we ended our talk an hour or so after that, I started to have those same feelings of physical longing for her. Even more I started to think a little bit about what she said in regards to under normal circumstances they would have had sex already. This longing for her is almost overwhelming me again. I have done my best to calm down but it hasn't really worked.

Out of the blue I am dealing with that when I am hit by the classic 'what do I really want to do in my life?' moments. I always wanted to be a history major but there were some experiences I went through recently that made me consider becoming a psychologist or councilor. I'm going to take psychology 101 this fall but I'm worried that I won't have the 'tough skin' to be a psychologist or councilor. 

So a short summary is this: I'm overwhelmed with physical longing for someone who is in a relationship. I feel bad that I am because she is in a relationship. Also I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel completely helpless, I'm afraid, and close to tears. I've never felt like this before.

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Seems like many of our personal crises start with a girl... you're in good company.  These things are not uncommon to men.  That should be a bit of good news for you.  The feeling of hopelessness is fueled by your emotional state.  Compounding your challenges in your mind during this time will not be beneficial.  It will further overwhelm.  A dose of divide and conquer might help.

I've talked to my friend about these feelings when they came up before and she said she understands and does not think anything less of me. I think this will not be so bad tomorrow. I usually just need to get out and away from the house to deal with it but we have people coming over for most of the day soon so I can't get out. I don't want my mom pestering me about why I want to go out. I very unwillingly told her a bit about the girl a few days ago. I'm just not sure where to star with this girl who I feel deeply about.

She's not married.  Talk to her.  Maybe she's into you.  Maybe she's not.  At least you'll know.  Its not out of the realm of possibility that she likes you back.  Ask her out. Romantically, and officially. If she's interested -- find a way to get closer together.  If she's not interested ... let her go, and move on.

For what its worth, she doesn't sound all that committed to this other guy.


Don't make decisions about your career when you're head's screwed-up over a girl that may not reciprocate.  Take the class.  See if you like it.  Save the final decision for later.

We talked many times about if we like each other in a relationship point of view and we don't. I'm not her type and she isn't really my type. I love her dearly as a friend, nothing more, nothing less.

Sorry to break it to you ... but you lied in those conversations.  Otherwise, you wouldn't be "in tears" that she's snagged another dude.


If you're lucky -- maybe she lied, too.


I'm not in tears about her snagging another guy. I'm just in tears because I don't get why I have all of this lust for her now. I'm also very overprotective of her.

Ha. Yes. This. 

Because you felt this way before but you denied it. After seeing a girl for several weeks I told we should see other people because I was going back to college at the end of the summer. She wasn't really my type, I wasn't really her type and I was going to be over 5 hours away so this made lots of sense.

We have now been married for 13 years and have 4 kids.

Agreed with Jack.

David, I think the problem is that you have nothing to contrast this to so it's making it harder to discern how you feel about her. Your head may tell your heart that you two are "just friends" but its obvious that you're more attached to her than that. That's not a bad thing. As Jack suggested, just talk to her. For all you know she could have feelings for you as well. 

My point with the contrast line was to say that "you've never felt this way before" (in your own words), so you don't know how to handle it (obviously). For example, I was and continue to be friends with a girl. She goes in and out of relationships but I'm her friend nonetheless and I don't get jealous when she's taken. In fact, I'm happy that she's found someone. On the other hand, I've been led on before by girls who I then find out are interested in someone else (when she's supposed to be interested in me!). It's situations like that when I get frustrated. But it's situations like the former that don't affect me. My point is that you're lacking contrast. You are quite clearly into this girl, despite what you think your head says. If you weren't, would you really be close to tears? Nope. 

All hope is not lost. Talk to her, ask her out, and go from there. This could really be the beginning of something good. 

Did any of you see where I said I met her online and she lives in Canada? I live in NJ plus she is going to live a good 15 hours away.

Even so, you're still ignoring the bulk of my post. 

Agree. If her being with someone else has hit you this hard, then you probably have something for her. And if she was so upset about not being able to visit you again, chances are.......you might be in luck.


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