"Also, scantily-dressed women are not original to the 20th century!"
Have I Done Anything Wrong?
Alright, I've been pursuing this girl since about the end of November.
I will give somewhat of a timeline of what has happened...
Late October '12: I text my friend and tell him to meet me in the university's cafeteria for lunch. He arrives before I do and he picked a seat near a girl that was sitting alone...as me and my friend are eating, I eventually ask her what her name is, what her major is, and other basic things. She eventually leaves and my friend asked me why I didn't try to get her number. I told him that I'll wait til I see her a 3rd or 4th time before I do that because I don't wanna seem like every other guy.
Early November '12: I was in my university's library raising awareness for student software and out of the hundreds of students that passed our kiosk, she was one of them. We had both forgot each other's names, but reminded each other and the convo was brief.
Mid November '12: Me and my friend grabbed food in our university diner, and there she was again eating alone. I spoke to her, but due to meeting hundreds of people at work and school every day, her name slipped my mind a second time and after going back and forth with my friend about what her name was, he finally remembered. So I went up the bar and as I was getting my drink, I made small talk, got her number, and told her we should do somethin after Thanksgiving break.
Early-Mid December '12: I didn't contact her during Thanksgiving break, but as soon as we got back, I asked her if she wanted to exercise together and she agreed. That went well, but I think it bothered her when I disappeared for ten minutes during our workout without telling her. (had some stomach issues), but I did return and apologize. After that, we ate lunch together twice and the second time, I asked her out on a date, and she said yes. We went and fed the homeless together, but she canceled the other half of the date to study for a hard exam.
Fall Semester Ends
January '13: We texted here and there on Xmas day and after New Years, and we went to IHOP the other day to do the all you can eat pancakes deal. We talked and laughed for about two hours, she confirmed that she is single, and she asked me if I was single and how long my last relationship lasted. Later I asked her if she wanted to go listen to a lecture by recording artist Common with me in late February and she said yes.
Concerns: Am I doing anything wrong? Am I too forward? Do you think she likes me?
I can't tell if she likes me or not. She is 4 years older than me and we are the same height. I know some girls get bothered by stuff like that.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on -
You made mistakes in the opposite direction of your concerns.
I always found it more comfortable when men gave me their numbers rather than asking for mine. I take the view that a phone number is like anything personal and you shouldn't ask the girl to share without sharing first. (I understand that you kids usually share numbers by texting them into each other's phones on the spot.)
Despite stereotypes about women hanging out in the bathroom, I always find it's my dates who are more likely to go to the bathroom than I am. I used to find it ungentlemanly because, frankly, it leaves the girl bored and abandoned. Now I have an e-reader in my purse. Did you really "disappear" or did you just take a very long time in the bathroom? If at all possible, you should have told her you had to go to the bathroom.
Aside: I only learned a few days ago that something similar happened to my husband on our first date. I knew he went to the bathroom that evening, but I didn't know he had an upset stomach.
I haven't figured out how many "dates" or dates you've been on, but the relationship sounds too casual to be making plans 7 weeks ahead.
At the conclusion of that first date, I tried to make plans for 2 weeks ahead, and my now-husband said, "You're the most fascinating woman I've ever met. I can't wait that long to see you again."
I think if you like her and want to "go steady" or whatever kids call it these days, you should try to see her 3 times before Valentine's Day. Don't bring up Valentine's Day plans until February 1, though.
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Permalink Reply by O'Neal on -
From the info I provided, does it seem to you like she likes me? She hasn't slipped and made one obvious hint. I also haven't done anything to make me seem like a softy, so I don't think she's friendzoned me or anything like that.
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on
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I know that when I was in college, I "looked for signs" too. Only a couple times did I try to "leave signs" or "drop hints." I often think that women are, or at least can be, much more direct than men give us credit for. But that's me after years on AoM and after marriage.
She agreed on a date 7 weeks ahead. She likes you. But, if you like her, why don't you just tell her and see what she says? All this "looking for signs"... Why should she have to expose her feelings before you've exposed yours?
My response to my husband's "You're the most fascinating woman I've ever met"? "OK. How about Saturday morning then?" Point: Even if you say, "I really like you" and she just says "Thanks" it doesn't mean you're being kicked to the curb.
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Permalink Reply by O'Neal on
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I don't tell girls "I like you" because it just sounds too soft and un-masculine. I want to let her know without me saying it. I'm not a bad boy by any means, but a girl should feel protected and you can't feel protected with a mushy guy.
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Permalink Reply by Liam R. on -
If I may, from all the talks I've had with ladies, every time they have told me they like a guy to be direct. You may seem it seems suave to send a non-verbal message, and it can be, but it can also sometimes be mistaken for an inability to be direct. Just tell her how you really feel.
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Permalink Reply by Rob on -
>>Have I Done Anything Wrong?
You would be wise to pay attention from now on when people tell you their names, and set an intention to remember it. If that's not enough consult a reference on the topic. The reason it's important to remember names is that it creates a sense of familiarity, interest, and trustworthiness. Strangers don't know your name. Your friends do. By having failed to remember her name up-front, you emphasized that you are a stranger. If you remember and use someone else's name without prompting, it creates a sense of INTEREST and familiarity.
The fact that she didn't remember yours either does not let you off the hook. You're the one with the intention to start something. You need to commit to your intentions.
This might seem like no big deal, but it is.
You've invited her to several activities. Did you pick them out according to what you know she likes? If you haven't already, find out what activities she likes.
You should probably learn something about building rapport. Unfortunately, I am not sure where to suggest you look for tips on building rapport. I learned as a side effect to other activities. Rapport-building is a very valuable skill, not just for meeting girls, but for meeting anyone and building up mutually-beneficial relationships. You would benefit from having rapport-building skills to pursue a career as well.
>>my friend asked me why I didn't try to get her number. I told him that I'll wait til I see her a 3rd or 4th time before I do that because I don't wanna seem like every other guy.
Your friend is too forward.
Do you think that asking a girl for her phone number without already being on fairly familiar terms might make her feel uncomfortable?
Do you think she likes me?
We can't read her mind. She apparently likes you well enough to socialize with you. However, you would be wise not to "need" for her to feel any particular way about you, and graciously accept whatever is the case. In other words, if she does, wonderful, if not, that's OK too. Being "needy" for someone to like you can have the effect of driving that person away. You need to offer at least as much "value" as you ask for. If you are emotionally "needy", you come off as asking for a lot relative to what you offer. Think of how a beggar on the street is more anxious to accost you than you him. It's the same principle.
I don't tell girls "I like you" because it just sounds too soft and un-masculine.
Why does it sound un-masculine to you for a boy to say that he likes a girl? Do you feel inhibited to talk about your feelings?
Wishing you success in matters of love and friendship.
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