Girlfriend has become more distant in messages- am I being 'needy'?

Hi there,

I've noticed in the past month, or so my girlfriend has started either not responding to questions I ask or not engaging with my texts (she will only communicate via text). Sometimes she'll not answer any of questions and just start a new topic. Now, just to be clear, the vast majority of the time she does respond to questions and engage with what I've written, but this is relatively new behaviour. 

I told her a couple of weeks ago that it would be nice if she responded to my questions, as it makes me feel like she can't be bothered or that I'm boring her, which to be honest, I find a bit hurtful. I know it's not the worst crime ever, but I do think that if someone asks you a question, you respond to it. Likewise, to just not even bother responding to what someone has written seems a little rude to me. I know there's always going to be times when you're very busy, but on the whole, I think this is true.

Anyway, when I brought this up with her, she said I was being "needy". I responded by saying, that it's not being needy - it's called being polite. I expect everyone, not just my girlfriend to interact with me like that, it's common courtesy.

I should add that my girlfriend has without a doubt the most troubled background I have ever come across and from the outset has pushed me away at times (she says that she has done this to other partners) and has commitment issues (despite not going out for six months, we are still not 'friends' on facebook). So this does fit into a pattern of rejection on her part. However, at the same time, she tells me how much she loves me, how she's missed me etc. and it leaves me feeling confused. 

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but I just wanted some other peoples' thoughts as I suppose I am finding it difficult to view the situation objectively. 


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I'll be honest here. And I expect most posters will respond with the opposite

You didn't post details that might be important like how long together, is this long distance, and how old you are.

But. I have a feeling you're out. Oh yew tee. Out.

But maybe I am wrong and it can be saved. My first step would be not texting. Like ever. Unless it's to say "see you Thursday at 9". I know it sounds harsh and you enjoy your communications but you need to practice something that like no young person has (I assume you're young). You need to practice patience and you need to stop giving in to every urge. You're over communicating here. You aren't a mystery anymore. Or a challenge. You're there all the time via text.

She isn't responding because she doesn't want to. Her actions are the important thing here and the action is she isn't responding to you. What does that say to you? Like, from your most honest part of you.

Most will try to save this by talking more. No. Resist the urge. Talk way less. In person only.

The last thing I would do is stop being so serious. Think fun. All. The time.

Btw many will disagree. Feel free to not take my advice. Hope it works. But remember there are literally millions of other girls out there

I like Craig's post better than mine.  If you stop texting except as he says, one of two things will happen.  She'll realized she's relieved you're no longer bothering her, or she'll miss you and decide to make time to be present in person.

And:  it should be fun.  If it's not fun, why do it?  And why should she?

Damn skippy

Thanks for your posts, you both make interesting points. I'll play in by ear and see how it goes. If she continues to pick and choose when to respond to questions or when to engage with my messages, I'll definitely give that a go.

To be honest, I'm not a massive fan of messaging all the time, which we seem to have been drawn into. I'd rather just arrange when to meet, then perhaps if I haven't heard from someone in a few days, just check in and see how they're doing, but she is quite a big messenger with her friends and I seem to have been drawn into that habit as well. 

In person, she is usually very affectionate, although sometimes recently she has pushed me away but has explained why that is. She does tell me regularly that she loves me and when we were apart for the past couple of weeks. told me that she misses me and doesn't want us to be apart that long again. I suppose that's why it sometimes feels like she blows hot and cold. 

But she has had a lot on her plate recently and I need to be more mindful of that as a possible reason for her being a bit distant. I can see that I could sometimes be more understanding as well.

"Needy" is the opposite of what everyone says is the best aphrodisiac:  confidence.

People are what they are.  She's ready, at the moment at least, to tell you how much she loves you and how much she misses you, but not respond to your calls or texts.  (You didn't mention anything about in-person.)  So:  if you can be thrilled with your relationship as it is, you're good.  If you're unhappy, you'll continue to be unhappy.  Knowing this:  what will you do?

You're right about neediness. However, my girlfriend has been at least as needy as me in the past, so we're both guilty on that count (I know this is about me, not her).

She does respond to my texts, but just doesn't always respond to my questions, which I find both irritating and as if she can't be bothered. Like last night, i asked her a question and she never answered it. However, a few hours later she sent me another message on a random topic. It does feel like she's testing me or playing games.

I should've mentioned in my initial post that she was raped a number of years ago and clearly has problems with commitment and intimacy. She told me around the six month mark, she's freaked out in the past. And more broadly, she has pushed boyfriends away.

I do need to be more understanding, though I guess I sometimes find it hard when it feels I'm being rejected. I'm sure she's trying her best.

She is very damaged then and I would be patient with her. Six months is a  little long not to be facebook friends though lol so maybe just send her a request and see what happens. Sometimes its easy to be distracted by one part of a text and forget to answer the other part. If its really important just try asking again. 

I try my best, but it's not always easy. Even one her best friends told me that she's not an easy person to go out with, but then I knew that would be the case from the outset, as she was honest about what has happened to her and the way she has acted towards boyfriends in the past.

And you're right, it easy to be distracted by one part of the text and not to respond to the rest. Although, if that starts happening regularly, I tend to think that it might not just be an oversight. 

As I mentioned in a post above, she's had a lot to deal with recently ,so although I may feel a bit hurt at times, I also need to remember that she is going through a difficult time and to try not to take things so personally. 

However, I do agree with Sir and Craig, that if continues not to be fun, what's the point? We shall see...

Damaged or not, it sounds like she's just not that into you.

And it sounds like it (the status quo) isn't doing much for you.

If I was in your shoes, I'd walk away and find something that better corresponds with my wants and needs.

Texting is a crap way to conduct a relationship, perhaps she is busy/preoccupied when she receives your texts and responds but I wouldn't read too much into it particularly if she is loving when you meet normally.

That's true. . 

I hate texting. In fact, I'd rather keep the texting to a minimum and talk in person when we meet up. 

I can see why you'd think that. But she sends me lots of messages saying how much she loves me and misses me. 

For example, I went out of the country for a few days last week. On the day I was leaving, I got a message when I was asleep saying how much she loves me, later on that day I had a message saying she missed me, and a couple of days ago, I got a message saying that she hopes we never again have to spend a couple of weeks apart, as we have had to. And also for Valentine's Day, she sent me a card, saying how special she thinks I am and how lucky she is to have me in her life. 

So, she writes a lot "soppy" stuff, as she calls (even though she says she doesn't like showing affection), which makes her lack of responsiveness with texts all the more confusing sometimes. Perhaps, as Tarquin says, she is simply busy or pre-occupied. 

That was the reason for my original post, to see whether I have been over-reacting to her occasional lack of response to the questions in my texts. 


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