I found this site only a few days ago as I was searching on google for tips on how to handle a break up as a man. Some of the articles and especially the comments of yours have been extremely helpful and I say thank you to all, chaps.
First of all, sorry for my poor English, my native tongue is Hungarian.
It is a long and painful story, but I try to summarize it as short as I can.
I met this girl 9 months ago at one of our common friend's garden party. We talked a lot, I kissed her that night at their house. It wasn't easy for me to jump into a relationship because I was very busy that time, but eventually we fell in love with each other.
It was the craziest love I have ever experienced in my life (ok, I'm only 24, but I do have some experience). We could meet only in the weekends, but spent all of our free time together.
Everything was great for the first 6 months, no arguments, it seemed for me that I found my future wife. Once we visited her grandma who lives in a LARGE house in Budapest in the best (and richest) district... she even asked me if I could imagine our life together in that house, and I said yes. She was totally crazy about me, and I loved her just as much.
Unfortunately, in the last two months I had some terrible times... family issues, pretty hard exams at uni, and somehow along the way - and I didn't even realize - I lost my manliness. It's pretty hard to explain, so I won't even try, but gradually I lost my self-confidence in a 5-6 weeks and started acting like a little b*tch. I was jelaous (never had before), provoked some unjust fights and so on. Gentlemen, I can tell you that this is the fastest way to literally destroy a lady's love toward you. Of course, this last two months weren't that bad, we also had some great moments and we seemed to be happy, but 1-2 times a week I provoked a fight accusing her she doesn't love me anymore and did other unmanly things. Two weeks ago we decided we need a talk. We had a serious discussion and we told each other that we love each other very much but we both need to change a little to save this great relationship. Unfortunately on that very night I drank too much and I did exactly what I shouldn't have: I acted like a little b*tch again. I never hurt her verbally nor physically (of course!), just acted like a 16 year old douchebag who thinks that every guy who talks to her girlfriend is the enemy.
She called me the next day to have a talk. She told me that she couldn't take it anymore, she wants a 3-week break to reinvent herself, because she felt that the last 8 months had changed her personality although she had been happy with me. I must note that for a long time she couldn't exist without me... all she did was waiting for the weekend for months because that was when we could meet again. Anyway, I said it's okay, I did horrible mistakes and I would try to change myself, because I had to.
I was really thinking a lot about what went wrong. I knew that it was mainly my fault and I needed to kill this 16 year old teenage girl part of my personality and find again who I really am. When after a few days I noticed that she hid her relationship status on facebook (didn't actually changed it to single, just hid it) I knew that this relationship came to an end. I called her - which was a mistake I think - to tell her that I'm extremely sorry for what I did and wished her good luck to find her real personality again. She was really nice until I asked her to meet me in the weekend. She replied in an agressive manner telling me that she had really meant that 3 weeks and she was not sure if she gave me another chance after that. I told her I understood her reasons and I would give her the necessary time. We talked a little more, I even made her laugh and that's all.
Since then - that was a week ago - there have been no contacts in any form. I've been trying really hard to kill any hope in my mind, but accepting the fact that this relationship is over is pretty difficult. I tried to turn the loneliness and pain into motivation - I hit the gym, do 10KM runs and I started swimming again. These and my friends have helped me a lot - I feel that I'm almost the same guy as I used to be and not a teenage girl with issues. Strangely, I feel more manly now that in the last 2-3 months of the relationship. This site and the comments here have been giving me a lot of help. I try very hard not to think about her and what she's doing - I feel it has been working so far. I also don't want to blame her and I always talk about her with great respect among my friends. I know this thing is 90% my fault and even though I didn't act too manly in the relationship, I want to act so in the break-up period and use it as an opprotunity for self-improvement.
Now my question is: what to do now? I know that this relationship has come to and end. Two weeks from now we'll meet again as the 3 weeks passes. I know she will call me and I know she will break up with me. However, my wounds are still fresh. I don't know what to do. There are two options: first that I meet her and listen to her as she breaks up with me. I fear it would zero all the progress I have made since Day 1 (in the first 2-3 days I even cried... didn't do it for years) and open up these painful wounds again. The other option is to tell her in the phone that I understand that she wants to break up with me, but I don't want to meet her for the reasons above.
Sorry for the long post and the very simple question, but this is what has been obsessing my mind for a few days and to be honest, I feel a little better now that I had the chance to write this whole story down.
Sounds like a tough situation, but I think you're handling it the right way right now. Whenever I get out of a relationship for any reason I always get back to the basics. Back to exercise, hobbies, spending time with supportive friends, and working to forget the relationship. I would wait the next two weeks, but not even concern yourself with her or meeting her. Act like it's over and begin to move on. If it ends up that you two talk and start to work on things...great! However, your life cannot hinge on that meeting. You need to approach it as healthily as you can.
The bigger issue that I think you should work on, is why exactly did you fall apart like you did. You ran into some hard times and got stressed, but what were the triggers that caused you to become petty and mean? How could you avoid them in the future?
If you treat every failed relationship as a learning experience then it wasn't a waste of time. Take these 9 months as a learning experience and know what to avoid next time.
You are absolutely right. I shouldn't think about that meeting as a turning point in my life, I should just move on and approach it as naturally as I can.
For me it's a complete mystery why I handled that 2-3 months so badly. Indeed it was a difficult period, but I've been through tougher times. I think I need a few weeks more to understand what happened exactly and why.
I agree with David.
I think for the first 2-3 weeks working out is a great self-esteem booster. After that? Well, I don't know yet. I have some projects to finish, maybe if I successfully complete them, that will help also. And of course, I want to get back into the dating game. That can boost one's self-esteem for sure.
I know this sounds harsh, but it comes from experience. She wants this "break" so she can be with other guys. Trust me. The best thing to do is to tell her that you accept, but that you want it to be a permanent break.
I'm aware of that. She told me that she wanted to meet new guys, so she was kind of straightforward. She also mentioned that she didn't want to make out with any o' them. I guess we will see, but I'm try to be prepared for the worst. I told her on the very first day of our "break" that if she cheats on me in the break time, it's over.
My gentleman friend,
Rest assured that she will cheat on you. Girls do not ask for breaks unless thehy have specific plans in mind. What she wants is a strong man. You can be that by telling her something like, "If you want a break from me, then you have it. I never want to see you again." Then walk away. Trust me that she will then go crawling back to you.
Oh, yes, that's what I should've done in the very moment she came up with the "I need some time" idea. But I didn't, and a week has passed since and I'm not sure at all that calling her now to tell her I break up with her would be a good idea.
Then here is what you do. Call her, and say something like, "I was a fool to let you dictate this relationship. I wish you the best of luck with your other guys, but please do not speak to me again. Goodbye." Then if she calls back, do not answer.
I didn't do it, as I didn't want to break up over phone. I chose not to contact her for the remaining 2,5 weeks.
However, yesterday - after 8 days of no contact - she wrote a text message. Only two words in Hungarian, three in English: "how are you?"
That's all. What the hell was she thinking? I replied something like "fine, thanks" destroying the possibility of any form of communication, because I just don't want to talk to her. I can't wait next Sunday when we meet again finally, I'll dump her in a moment.
A relationship in which one party can hardly wait until the weekend to tell the other that they're being dumped doesnt' sound like a relationship that had much maturity to it. It is possible that she indeed simply needed some time to step back and collect herself. It won't be the last time you encounter that. If not you'll soon know it. Difficult, but better than prolonging it only to have it fail further down the road.
Obsessing over her yet hardly being able to wait to tell her you're dumping her just doesn't do you much credit.
I really don't see how she has been bad to you. If it comes down to it what's wrong with thinking of her as a friend that you were able to spend some times with and are better for having known.
Although you are right, I have some points that makes me want to break up with her. As far as I concern, she uses this break period to party around and gain experience (whatever that means...). She behaves completely differently from how I knew her. Secondly, it might be a cowardly thing, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to continue.