Hello all you fellow gentlemen, so I'm pretty much new to this community. Been checking out this blog for quite a while, which has clearly proven itself to be one of the most resourceful blogs for men(my opinion nonetheless). I'm also a big fan of the "old-fashioned" ways so I feel very much at home here.
Now this has been a concern of mine for a while now. I have been one of the many unfortunate victims of the wretched friendzone, for quite a handful of instances. In fact, I just had to reconcile with a recent scenario of the such a few weeks ago(I dare you to tell me that when a girl says, "Friendship hug!" as she hugs you, that it signifies any interests beyond that of friends.)
I knew well very that I blew my chances with the recent girl; by succumbing to my pathetic clingynes. It came to the point where she told me to back off for a bit, so I did. Really regret going there but I wish to cherish it as lesson learned.
These past 2 weeks at the local church, there has been quite a few new girls coming to the sunday services that I have had the privilege of meeting. All seemed genuninely sweet and nice and very ladylike. Some of the girls, I may be developing interest for.
So I was wondering if any of you men could give some advice.
How should I go about eventually and geuninely asking one of the God-fearing women that I've recently met, to go out on a date with me.
What's a good timing? Should I try getting to know more about each of girls first(and seeing who I would be most interested in) before asking?
No, I'm not trying to be a reckless player kind of guy. It's nothing serious. I just want to get a bit more into the realm of dating and perhaps getting to know more people.
And about the friendzone. How does one avoid it? What are good traits for a guy to have when pursueing the one he's interested in? What are bad traits and idiosyncrasies one should avoid having?
Just ask. Waiting and inaction is your enemy. Ask them as soon as you can- in other words, ask when it won't be creepy. Otherwise you will be friendzoned.
"Friendzoned" is just a cutesy way of saying she's not attracted to you. The friend zone isn't somewhere women put guys they wanted, but became friends with instead. Its somewhere they put guys who never had a shot in the first place ... but they like enough to hang around.
Its not something you can really avoid, except insofar as you avoid becoming a friend at all (which will be some of the advice you get). If she's into you, she probably won't friendzone you.
I second JB on this one completely.
There are ways to frame yourself romantically, such as not "hanging out" with women, rather "dating" women. The difference is often as simple as calling it a "date" from the beginning so that she realizes that you are interested in her as more the friends. If you treat her like a friend, she will behave like a friend. Women tend to follow the man's lead to avoid looking promiscuous by chasing the guy.
If she does "friendzone" you, its a nice way of her saying that she isn't interested. You should be flattered in a way since she feels that you are a decent enough person to spare your feelings and to be friends with, she just doesn't feel romantic attraction for you. Don't shy away from a platonic friendship either, often times they lead to meeting more women (the girl's friends) in which there may lie another love interest. A female wingman is the best tool a single guy.
Do you belong to a small group? I don't know if the Sunday morning church service is the most conducive setting to effectively ask one of these girls out. It might take a little extra effort, but I would try to ask the girl out when you two are outside of church. Your intentions might be more clear this way as opposed to before/after a service where it could be mistaken for fellowship?
So from I'm getting out of all you guy's response is that I should indeed straightforwardly ask one of them out? So it's alright to just flat out ask them? Even though I've only met the girl once?
This is clearly something I'm not used to.
Sounds like you're on the right track. But like I said before, just make sure it's not creepy when you ask them. Some girls might get scared away if they sense you going too fast. Make sure you're comfortable with them and they're comfortable with you. Then go for it. And yes, you just ask: "Did you want to get some coffee/lunch/ice cream sometime soon?" If she says yes, do two things immediately: put forward a time and a place for the date, so there's no ambiguity or confusion on her part. Secondly, take her number down (if you don't have it already). If she says no, at least you tried.
Having only met a girl once shouldn't be too much of a detriment. I can't stress enough though: don't make it creepy. Only you and her will know when you've left the creepy-zone and entered into the acceptable zone. Use your discretion, and if you mess up (ask too early) learn from your mistake and don't do it again.
Just ask her out and stop thinking about it (ie stalling). I grew up in a more secular environment than I would consider myself in now and I am shocked at how passive a lot of the young Christians I see in the churches I now attend are.
My understanding is that most church-attending, "God-fearing women" are pretty comfortable with the idea of you asking them out on a date to get to know them. Unlike their more secular sisters, their chances to get to interact with intimately and know the other sex are more limited.
Next, there is unlimited amount of good timing. Bad timing would be limited to asking her at a funeral or something. If the girl is chatting with you, ask her out. If she seems to be turned off by this then don't worry, you just saved yourself some wasted time in some girl's friendzone.
Don't hang out with these girls pretending to yourself that you are doing it to get to know them. We all know the real reason is because you are too chicken to ask them out. Also, if you go and make friends with the group, you'll poison your chances of dating one of them because she'll turn you down so as to not upset the group. Worse still, one of the girls (often the most undesirable) will have probably told the others by then "dibs", therefore making you unavailable to the rest. This is pretty much a dead end in which you either date only her (who will be undesirable for a reason) or move on. Telling her you are not into her that way but into her friend is pretty much dating suicide for the group. Unlike men, women pick up on the negative side of being friendzoned pretty quick and respond very effectively.
One aspect to attracting women is, well, being attractive. Women generally say confidence is the most attractive trait. If you pursue what you want, that is an aspect of confidence. Asking the woman out is one aspect of that, though far from the only.
I still think it's the alpha/beta mix. Too much friendly nice-guy stuff means you're headed for the friendzone. I reckon it's alpha that attracts and beta that keeps things going on a day-to day basis longterm. Too much of either isn't going to work well
You've received some great advice. What I would add is to always remember what the point of the first date is.
The first date is for the two of you, to get alone, to get to know each other and to see if there is that "spark" that will lead you to pursue it further, or to cut it off then.
A lot of guys really screw up because they think it is their time to impress a girl, and that it instantly means that it has to signal some sort of relationship. These are both wrong.
First off, you are there to get to know her, just as much as she is there to get to know you. So, she has a pretty face, this is the time to see past that face and see the woman inside. If you don't get past that face, you are wasting your time. And if you are following everything else on this site, you will impress her if you are the type of guy that she is interested in simply by being a man.
Second, remember, just a first date. Before I was married, I went on tons of first dates. Even those after "meeting" and doing all the stuff online. If you don't feel it, just cut it off. THAT IS THE ENTIRE POINT!!!!!!
Third, keep it loose and have fun. At minimum you are meeting more people, your world view will get larger, you will have more experience and if you both at least had some fun, it isn't a waste.
Now, go ask these girls out
+1 great advice.
would a gal shaking yer hand at the end of the night constitute being friend zoned (non buisness related, met her that same night) she offered her hand to be shook then took off before I could ask for her number,also didnt help that m buddy pulled me aside cause his girlfriend wanted me to meet her sister.