Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Will on September 7, 2011 at 6:23am

There was a time when I thought of doing that.  Although I dislike my last name -- it's sort of clunky -- I'm glad I didn't; I no longer feel the need (II'd say "reconciled" but our distance was not an estrangement -- anyway) and every time he saw my name it would be like a slap in the face.

I don't know the legalities of it.

Good luck, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

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Permalink Reply by Jackson Agustus Lewis on September 7, 2011 at 8:04am

I'm in exact same situation here. My father was a very wicked man and his name is synonymous with shame to me. What my fiance and myself have decided to do is to take my matriarchal family name (Clancy) instead. I'll be changing my name legally next month, and her's will be changed upon our marriage.
The Clancy family is my grandmothers family, I proud Irish family that came to Chicago around the turn of the century. I'm very proud that end of the family that I came from, and a lot of the Clancy men are the ones who influence my idea of what a man should be, as opposed to my father.
Do you have any deeper family roots that your father's name covers? Why not bring those to the light?

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Permalink Reply by Jackson Agustus Lewis on September 7, 2011 at 8:18am

I am going to add that I think taking the name of your fiance is in poor taste. The mother give a child life, but the father starts his sense of self. Sometimes all a father can give is his name, so I suggest you not miss out on that opportunity, whatever that name my be.

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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on September 7, 2011 at 10:45am

My take on it is that your last name is not about your Dad. 

 Keep your name. Give it to your wife. Give it to your kids. It is not your Dad's name. It is yours. 

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Permalink Reply by Daren Pedley on September 7, 2011 at 10:51am

Thanks for the input guys, I understand what you are saying and indeed that is where the conflict comes from. I don't want to pass anything on that was his.

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Permalink Reply by Will on September 7, 2011 at 1:06pm

You can't help it.  Half your *genes* come from him.  Some of your experiences, good or ill.  You might as well try to rip out your own guts because they're kin to his.  I can't keep from having and passing on things from an abusive parent; all I can do is either deny them (thus granting them more power) or recognize and convert them into something good.  

For example, the son of a father who was blisteringly critical can recognize the critical tendency that's in his mind berating him (and if he's not careful will end up berating his children as well!), and convert it into something better.  It can take a lifetime.

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Permalink Reply by Michael Konves on September 12, 2011 at 2:09am

My take on it is that your last name is not about your Dad.

This.

Be the man your dad wasn't; make the name worth having.

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Permalink Reply by Daniel Gaston on September 7, 2011 at 10:50am

It all depends. Does your fiancee have brothers? If not, and her immediate family name is likely to die out, then taking her name can be a sign of respect to her and her family. Do you feel a deep and strong connection with your mother's name? If so then changing it to that sounds like a good idea too.

 

But, as has been said, maybe you can also think on focusing away from your father, to your father's family. I know many people estranged from their father's who aren't necessarily estranged from the rest of the family. Maybe keeping it to honour them is a good idea.

 

Ultimately, its your choice and your identity, not someone elses.

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Permalink Reply by Liam S. on September 7, 2011 at 11:04am

Personally. It's not your Dad's name - it is yours. Pass it on. 

 

My wife decided to keep her maiden name for a variety of reasons. Our son has my last name, as well as using my wife's last name for his middle name - to preserve the history. 

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Permalink Reply by Jamie Q on September 7, 2011 at 11:42am

Agreed.

Many, many people bore that name before your dad, Daren. Why not do them a favor and bring a good reputation back to the name?

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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on September 7, 2011 at 1:12pm

I'm with Denny.  It is your name, not your father's.  Make it a name worth passing on, and then pass it on with pride.

 

JB

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Permalink Reply by George Dorn on September 7, 2011 at 1:17pm

Make up an all-new badass last name. Use that. Own it.

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