Good Morning guys.


I am getting Married next year but don't want to keep my Surname as I haven't spoken with my farther for 10 years, I feel that he has done nothing that deserves his name being passed on. There is the option to change my Surname to my soon to be wifes or indeed change it to my mothers maiden name.


What is your take on it ?






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There was a time when I thought of doing that.  Although I dislike my last name -- it's sort of clunky -- I'm glad I didn't; I no longer feel the need (II'd say "reconciled" but our distance was not an estrangement -- anyway) and every time he saw my name it would be like a slap in the face.

I don't know the legalities of it.

Good luck, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

I'm in exact same situation here. My father was a very wicked man and his name is synonymous with shame to me. What my fiance and myself have decided to do is to take my matriarchal family name (Clancy) instead. I'll be changing my name legally next month, and her's will be changed upon our marriage.
The Clancy family is my grandmothers family, I proud Irish family that came to Chicago around the turn of the century. I'm very proud that end of the family that I came from, and a lot of the Clancy men are the ones who influence my idea of what a man should be, as opposed to my father.
Do you have any deeper family roots that your father's name covers? Why not bring those to the light?
I am going to add that I think taking the name of your fiance is in poor taste. The mother give a child life, but the father starts his sense of self. Sometimes all a father can give is his name, so I suggest you not miss out on that opportunity, whatever that name my be.

My take on it is that your last name is not about your Dad. 

 Keep your name. Give it to your wife. Give it to your kids. It is not your Dad's name. It is yours. 

Thanks for the input guys, I understand what you are saying and indeed that is where the conflict comes from. I don't want to pass anything on that was his.

You can't help it.  Half your *genes* come from him.  Some of your experiences, good or ill.  You might as well try to rip out your own guts because they're kin to his.  I can't keep from having and passing on things from an abusive parent; all I can do is either deny them (thus granting them more power) or recognize and convert them into something good.  

For example, the son of a father who was blisteringly critical can recognize the critical tendency that's in his mind berating him (and if he's not careful will end up berating his children as well!), and convert it into something better.  It can take a lifetime.

It all depends. Does your fiancee have brothers? If not, and her immediate family name is likely to die out, then taking her name can be a sign of respect to her and her family. Do you feel a deep and strong connection with your mother's name? If so then changing it to that sounds like a good idea too.


But, as has been said, maybe you can also think on focusing away from your father, to your father's family. I know many people estranged from their father's who aren't necessarily estranged from the rest of the family. Maybe keeping it to honour them is a good idea.


Ultimately, its your choice and your identity, not someone elses.

Personally. It's not your Dad's name - it is yours. Pass it on. 


My wife decided to keep her maiden name for a variety of reasons. Our son has my last name, as well as using my wife's last name for his middle name - to preserve the history. 

I'm with Denny.  It is your name, not your father's.  Make it a name worth passing on, and then pass it on with pride.



Make up an all-new badass last name. Use that. Own it.

You're all misogynist bores.


Actually, I do agree that your decision should not be based on just the two-generation history between you and your father. It should be based on discussions with your future wife about what the 2 of you want your name to be, her name, and your children's names. Here's some things to think about:

I'll have one more from a male perspective in a sec.

I don't think I've ever been considered a misogynist, before. A bore, on the other hand, I unfortunately must claim.


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