So I have this friend I've known for years with whom I've hung out and rode motorcycles with. There is a group of us that hangs out and regularly gives eachother crap, just being funny. It seems that I get picked on more than anyone else in this group and especially by this one friend. He constantly does things that he thinks are funny that seem to target/embarass me and even another meeker guy in the group. He especially loves to bring up embarassing things to new people we all meet at the bar and functions. I seem to get singled out more than everyone else (maybe because I'm short, have little education and don't make as much as them?). My ex girlfriend used to say how mean spirited and immature they were and especially this friend, and now I'm finally starting to see it. When I call him out though they all team up to call me over sensitive and such, and say they're just trying to help me. But it's gotten to the point where being around them and especially this one friend makes me feel like sh*t about myself when I'm trying to make improvements. Even some of my non-biker friends that know him and them say they're immature ass*oles.
I seem to have blown up on him on Facebook and don't know if I'm being immature about this or it was the right thing to do. I have steadily avoided going to their weekly hangout now for a month. Also they give me crap when I hang out with people they don't seem to like, like I'm some sort of traitor or something. I feel more and more isolated, but they're some of the only folks I know in the new city I live in. Any advice on frenemies/bullies? Oh I'm 5'4 and he's about 6'4'' so he's physically intimidating as well.
if you don't like being around them, then don't be around them. it is that simple.
now you might be faced with a secondary problem of needing to find other friends, but that is an issue that is separate from the primary issue.
if they truly are your friends, then they will figure out you are not around, figure out why, and try to make changes to re-include you.
i sympathize. as a teen and in my early 20's, i had "friends" like this as well. i was always the punching-bag of the punch-lines. and when i tried to express how much i didn't like it and tried to suggest things change, i got the same thing you got. i was also told "we only pick on you because we like you." ... which i thought to myself "like me for what?"
i wonder if height is a factor. i was the shortest in that social group. heck even at work, i get singled out for my height. funny thing, i am not short. never thought i was at least. i'm 5ft 7in. which is average.
why would you want to be around someone that makes you feel like sh*t? Dump him and make better friends.
One of the things AoM has taught me is telling men, "Stop being mean to me!" is never effective. You come across as yes, meek, a whiner, and they pick on you more. What does work is not responding with emotion, waiting for someone else to come to your defense, or finding new interlocutors.
Facebook is not a good extension of all relationships. It's hard to convey irony in writing. Friends-of-friends are a factor in the discussions in ways they're not face-to-face. You're interacting with all your friends and family at once. Do not feel like you must be Facebook friends with everyone you're face-to-face friends with. Mold your friendships in healthy, not necessarily popular, ways.
And I agree with the burgeoning consensus.
I agree with this. Saying in front of the whole group stop picking on me isn't gonna make things better. Also, saying something while its going on is probably going to get him picked on as well.
What I would say if there's a member of the group he is closer with than the others pull him aside one on one an ddont get overly emotiional but tell himn that bothrs me when i get ragged on. i feel like it happens to me more than anyone else. also in front of our group its fun its ragging its comradery but in front of strangers its trying to embaress me and its not cool or fun its mean. let that guy in a one on one situation tell other members of the group hey take it easy on dude.
Get new friends
"Also they give me crap when I hang out with people they don't seem to like"
He obviously has other friendships. Develop those and forget the other loser(s)
In another mood I would say straight punch him in the nuts. Not many people can be intimidating writhing on the ground. However, this would cause more problems in the near future.
There are three things you can do about this.
1. Put up with it
2. Bitch about it.
3. Do something about it.
Apparently the first two are out. The first one you don't want to do and the second one is a 'pussy' thing to do. So that leaves you option 3.
What to do about it? Three things. First you could straight punch... Second you could try giving it back to them. If they have an issue with it then you can call them 'pussies'. If they deal it out they have to be able to take it too. Third, you can find new friends.
I think the second choice is the better alternative. Let them see that you don't knuckle under. A bully will usually back down when confronted with his own crap and if you do it enough he'll start leaving you alone and the others will follow his lead.
Call him out that it needs to end. If he jokes or does anything other than realize it ends at that point, simply leave.
He will say some mean things but ride off into the sunset. Life is to short to be socially trapped like grade school.
I had a similar problem until I did just that. He stopped joking in that fashion with me. Turned out my friend lost a few friends not realizing the excess in his joking.
Friend bully = bully. Period. A bully is just and moron who feels he must abuse, and it is abuse!, someone that he views as inferior to himself, and bullies need to make themselves feel superior - because they are not happy with themselves - and this makes them direct their self-loathing outward on other to try and make themselves feel beter about themselves.
Leave them behind. They are NOT you friends. Too many fine people in the world to waste time on losers like that. Height does not diminish your right to expect respect from people.
Tough to find new friends, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta to to maintain respect for yourself. You know you're better than the way they think they can treat you. Good for you! Shows a healthy sense of self.
Blowing up at anyone on a public forum like Facebook, only makes you to be a moron to anyone listening. You're better than that. Ignore them- don't fight publically with them You only demean yourself.
Thank ya'll. I didn't want to sound whiny. I'm 26 and it shouldn't feel like high school. He's the type if you call him out he'd call you a p-bomb and laugh about it...that's what he does. So I let him know and some of my other friends agreed. This has happened before and he doesn't quit. Sometimes I can be too nice and I know he uses that run over me. Funny thing is those other people I can deal with and are fun when he's not around. But seems they're kind of a package deal. So I'm not going to deal with him anymore, I don't deserve that crap. Thank you all for your responses. Shouldn't have blown up, pretty immature but kind of let it build up inside of me which isn't healthy. I really appreciate the advice from ya'll. I have other friends that never treat me like that and I've been trying to activley get more involved with them.
I think you probably are being bullied however take a step back and think about what your group is like. I have one friend who is overaly sensitive and our group gives each other a hard time all the time everyone in the group but he seems to take it harder than the rest of us. One other thing because he does get upset some people think its funny to give him even more crap. So first I would say make sur you truly are being singled out and dont just feel that way. also try not to let yourself get upset because that will make people go at you even harder.
that said if it truly is like this which i suspect it is why would you want to be around these people. i recently kind of let a lot of "friends" slip out of my life not because i was being made fun of but more just realized i dont realy need "acquantances" if someone is not a true friend who is ther for me and who i cna talk to about real stuff im not going to waste too much time and energy on them.
also its not right but i think with every group you hve the one guy everyone kind of rags on. i agree its not fun though and thats not cool being singled out, made fun of ,etc in front of other people new people etc.
Somehow ribbing me for my extraordinary coarse and curly hair became a more and more frequent occurance within the group of friends I had in my mid to late teens. I'm 5' 8", and with a lean build was definately on the smaller side of this group. While I could take good natured ribbing and frequently responded in kind, this particular subject eventually got on my nerves. Once I realized they weren't going to stop, I warned them twice, in a very calm manner, that I was tired of it and would start slugging them if they continued. They didn't stop, so I started delivering a moderate punch to the offender. It only took two punches before they decided it wasn't worth it.
A similar situation came up with one of those same dudes a few years later in my early 20's. Played out the same way, except I ended up delivering a glancing blow to his head in the middle of Applebee's. No further problems.
Fifteen years later, several of these guys are still good and respected friends of mine, including those I had to deck back in the day. These guys are quality dudes who went a bit overboard with thier kidding. I'm respected in this group for my gentleness, but a consequence of my natural strength in that area is that it was necessary to prove my backbone every so often.
If you don't respect these guys, then ditch them. If they are good guys who just need to learn to respect your boundries, then find a masculine way to deal with the issue. I would have lost life-long friends had I removed myself from this group when it became uncomfortable for me, and that's why I bring this perspective to you.
BTW, as a short dude, I'm assuming you've run into these kinds of disrespect before. Being short invites it. :-D A quiet confidence helps, and a willingness to get into scrapes if needed helps as well. Sure you might get beat up in a fight, but have the attitude that it's going to cost whoever it is that wants to throw down with you. If this guy is picking up on the fact that you WON'T defend yourself, then you're hard to respect.
I hope you are able to clearly percieve yourself and this group of guys, and that dealing with this issue adds to your personal integrity and strength. If you handle this correctly, you WILL be a stronger, deeper man. Plus, since your sons will also likely be short, you'll have wisdom to pass down to them.