"Great advice already on here from Tim & Nick.
If there was any more to add for myself personally I always find it a struggle to try and be a 'true' friend to a girl that I have/had deep feelings for. This is because I have ended up…"
Found that girlfriend's ex takes her out for dinner
Hi there,
I posted about a week about about my girlfriend of about six months calling me her 'friend' http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/girlfriend-called-... . Unfortunately, I have a tendency to dwell on things and blow things out of proportion, as happened with the situation in my previous post. That is why I want to handle the current situation carefully and in a mature manner.
I found out that my girlfriend's ex takes her out to dinner. I knew that she is friends with her ex (she said this in passing soon after we started seeing each other) but she didn't tell me someone that she had referred to her as her 'friend' is in fact her ex-boyfriend, therefore I didn't have an issue with this 'friend' taking her out for dinner from time to time. I should point-out, I have never met this guy.
However, yesterday I was at my girlfriend's and her brother told me in passing that this friend is in fact her ex (As an aside, my girlfriend and her brother, despite both being in their late 20's both live at home and have a kind of stormy relationship; it does seem like he enjoys stirring up trouble and at the very least has poor social skills, so I think he might have been trying to get a reaction from me, as apparently this is the sort of thing he enjoys doing).
Despite trying not to blow things out of proportion, I suppose I feel uncomfortable about this. I think objectively, most guys wouldn't like their girlfriend's ex taking her out to dinner (from what she's said in the past, I think it's just them); secondly, although she said she is friends with her ex, I don't think she's been totally up front with me.
Although I wasn't wouldn't 100% be comfortable with her simply being friends with her ex, that's something I accepted. However, him taking her to dinner, is (in my mind) a completely different matter.
She's working late shifts this week, so we won't have a chance to see each other but I would like to discuss this with her in a adult manner and calmly inform her that I know her 'friend' is also her ex and mention that I don't feel comfortable with her being taken out to dinner by this guy. I would also like to mention that I don't feel she has been totally frank with regard to their past but that I would not accept her to end a friendship. Does that seem fair? Given that I am a worrier and have been known to over-react to things, I am determined to handle this situation tactfully and in a fair manner.
Thank you.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Philosopher King on -
Hey Ian,
I think I responded to your other post, basically telling you to play it cool and not make a big deal of it. I also told you to tread lightly and keep your eyes open for her interest level.
Well, this is a huge red flag. I'd agree with a majority here and say that there are way too many women in the world who don't feel the need to go out with their ex for dinner. There's no good reason to do so. The foodie thing is an excuse you're telling yourself to try to justify to yourself why you're sitting back and taking this kind of relationship.
There are a million girls out there who will give you the kind of commitment and attention you deserve.
Break up with her. BUT, do it calmly. Just explain that all things considered, you'd rather not be with someone so shady. Don't be needy or demanding, just be cool. You've got better things to do, better people to date.... Best case - she realizes that you're a man and you won't stand for her foolish behavior (both with the boyfriend thing and the dinners) and she comes back with a higher level of dedication. Worst case - you're rid of someone who you may not be able to trust and you meet a girl who's totally into you and gives you the commitment and attention you want and deserve.
It's a tough thing to do, but you have to quit fooling yourself.
Good Luck
-PK
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
I don't think I would be comfortable with a woman I've been dating exclusively for 6 months referring to me as her 'friend' and definitely would have issues with her going out to dinner with her 'ex'. From what you've posted (the previous and this one) it sounds as though she is not as committed to the relationship as you seem to be. There are three things you can do about this:
First you can suck it up and let things go on as they are and see what happens;
Second you can talk to her about your relationship and where you both are in that relationship and, maybe, come to a mutual agreement;
Third you can bitch and moan about it while doing nothing.
Two of the above are unmanly, in my book.
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Permalink Reply by Bryant Herrera on -
I believe that when someone wants to be with you, its you and only you. Theres a high level of attraction that causes you to drop everything in the world for this person. There shouldn't be conversations or situatiuons about ex's, etc ... Based on your statement and replies, she's just not that into you. I would start distancing myself.
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