I posted about a week about about my girlfriend of about six months calling me her 'friend' http://community.artofmanliness.com/forum/topics/girlfriend-called-... . Unfortunately, I have a tendency to dwell on things and blow things out of proportion, as happened with the situation in my previous post. That is why I want to handle the current situation carefully and in a mature manner.
I found out that my girlfriend's ex takes her out to dinner. I knew that she is friends with her ex (she said this in passing soon after we started seeing each other) but she didn't tell me someone that she had referred to her as her 'friend' is in fact her ex-boyfriend, therefore I didn't have an issue with this 'friend' taking her out for dinner from time to time. I should point-out, I have never met this guy.
However, yesterday I was at my girlfriend's and her brother told me in passing that this friend is in fact her ex (As an aside, my girlfriend and her brother, despite both being in their late 20's both live at home and have a kind of stormy relationship; it does seem like he enjoys stirring up trouble and at the very least has poor social skills, so I think he might have been trying to get a reaction from me, as apparently this is the sort of thing he enjoys doing).
Despite trying not to blow things out of proportion, I suppose I feel uncomfortable about this. I think objectively, most guys wouldn't like their girlfriend's ex taking her out to dinner (from what she's said in the past, I think it's just them); secondly, although she said she is friends with her ex, I don't think she's been totally up front with me.
Although I wasn't wouldn't 100% be comfortable with her simply being friends with her ex, that's something I accepted. However, him taking her to dinner, is (in my mind) a completely different matter.
She's working late shifts this week, so we won't have a chance to see each other but I would like to discuss this with her in a adult manner and calmly inform her that I know her 'friend' is also her ex and mention that I don't feel comfortable with her being taken out to dinner by this guy. I would also like to mention that I don't feel she has been totally frank with regard to their past but that I would not accept her to end a friendship. Does that seem fair? Given that I am a worrier and have been known to over-react to things, I am determined to handle this situation tactfully and in a fair manner.
Ian- If she's been hiding things from you I'd dump her now. You can't have a relationship when your girlfriend is being deceptive. You don't have much invested at this point emotionally. I'd get out while you still have some dignity. Don't be a patsy. I had a similar situation years ago. My girlfriend insisted that an old friend stay at her place when he was in town for a week even though he was in on business and his company would put him up in a motel. I dumped her like a box of rocks.
I don't think there's anything wrong with exes going out for dinner, especially if they are "foodies" and if they've remained good friends after the breakup. However, it certainly becomes a problem if you think she hasn't been honest with you. That's the important thing here.
I don't think she's necessarily been dishonest but I don't think referring to someone as simply a 'friend' when he was your boyfriend is totally correct. She could have referred to him as her 'friend' (if that's how she thinks of him) but informed me that they had gone out but I don't think referring to him solely as a 'friend' is really accurate.
I do trust her (in part because she said she didn't really think she could orgasm through sex before and that she since said she realised that her ex boyfriends didn't know what they were doing in the bedroom). However, it's possible this guy has designs on her and she is too naive to realise it.
Of course, I also realise that they might be just be friends (she said she dumped her last boyfriend, which I assume is him - although it could have been another one). If it is simply a platonic relationship, then I don't think it's necessary to ask her to stop seeing him, though I might ask that she doesn't let him take her out for dinner. Maybe they stopped seeing each other a long time ago, who knows...
"but I would like to discuss this with her in a adult manner and calmly inform her that I know her 'friend' is also her ex and mention that I don't feel comfortable with her being taken out to dinner by this guy"
Why? Why don't you get angry. I have a feeling that what you call "over-reacting" is your girlfriends definition of being protective, and that's definitely not over-reacting. You should confront this with however the hell you feel like it, let your anger out if you have to, and don't ever keep those emotions bottled up because it's what makes you a man.
Any girlfriend that keeps in contact with her ex means she still has feeling for him, you don't need a degree in psychology to know that because it's happened over and over again a million times by guys who didn't want to look at the facts right in their face. He's her ex, they've had sex, unless there's a complete sever in contact then she will ALWAYS be attached to him emotionally, and don't you dare believe her lies that "She's over it" because she's not, otherwise she wouldn't be talking to him.
Why would you think that your girlfriend going to a dinner, alone, with another guy was ever normal? Yea, she's a chef, so what that doesn't mean she can't share her passion with you, instead she looks to other men? Come on dude.
And lastly, I read your other post about her calling you her "friend". This girl clearly isn't girlfriend material, otherwise she'd have no problem calling you her boyfriend and lieing behind your back. It's obvious she has issues because she has a healthy sexual relationship with you, you two see each other very much often during the week, and talk all the time, and yet she can't call you her boyfriend. That's called commitment issues. Fuck your pussy "talk to her calmy" dogshit, she's playing you, using you, and spitting on your face, that should make you so fucking angry, and yet you sit on the sidelines getting fucked in the ass. Man the fuck up
All jokes aside, my post is 110% serious among with the other posters who are telling you to dump her ass, this is not something to be taken lightly, and is make or break (really mostly break) material that determines to relationship
Ian- I agree with Jimmy. Wake up dude! You're setting yourself up for a BIG letdown. Dump her before she dumps you. She's not commited. Are you so insecure that you feel there is nobody else out there? The sooner you end it the sooner you can go on to better things.
Well, whilst I don't feel completely ok with her being friends with an ex, I don't feel that alone is sufficient grounds to end a relationship. Yes, I think that the fact she only referred to this guy as her 'friend' is not being totally clear and the fact that he has taken her for dinners (I don't know the last time this happened), is a bit out of order - that is why I would like to discuss the situation with her before jumping to any conclusions.
The flip side is that I think it would be unfair for someone (not just me), to say you can't be friends with an ex, if you are simply friends. I know a lot of men would disagree with me and say you can't be friends with an ex but I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt until I have had the chance to discuss this matter with her.
Just the fact that you don't know when the last time it happened and that she conveniently didn't tell you she is her ex is enough to end it. Why do you want to work for something so hard when you can have a less complicated relationship with an honest, loving and devoted woman?
Jimmy-Jam is 100% dead on.
And I agree with his written prescription... though I am not a licensed diagnostician.
You have a few self-defining decisions to make.
Do you ever plan on marrying? Having children?
Well, if you aren't 19, then what you need to do is recognize what dating is; dating is the job interview for marriage. That is on your part, and on hers. You can consider early courting as part of the process, but the interview begins with exclusivity.
While she failed the interview on honesty, she also failed on exclusivity by - and this is what it was - dating her ex at the same time.
However, you failed by enabling non-exclusivity. You allowed her to let other men sniff her muffin, and now you want to get mad about it?
If you had any ruminations about salvaging this, you can have a simple litmus test; tell her you are not supportive of opposite-sex friendships... for either of you.
At the very least dude, she does not respect you or her relationship with you.
That is at the very least.
Dump her, dump her now. Forget her name.
Date someone else, immediately.
You said, "I am determined to handle this situation tactfully and in a fair manner." That is a very manly, mature attitude!
You've received some great advice from the other men. I think you need to end the relationship, and the sooner, the better.
If your relationship has progressed to the point that you are now an exclusive couple (I.E., you're not seeing anybody else and neither is she) and you do, in fact, recognize one another as boyfriend and girlfriend, then her going out to dinner with an ex-boyfriend is beyond the pale. That's outrageous, and you're uncomfortable with it because it's just common sense that you would be. How would she feel if YOU were going out to dinner with some ex GIRL-friend? Hmmm? After all, you're "just friends" now....
I suppose it would be different if we were talking about going out with a GROUP of friends and he was just one of the group, with no pairing off. But that's not what you just described. Nobody in his right mind would put up with this, and if you do, then you've taken leave of your senses. Don't rationalize away your common sense.