forgiveness
why do men find it so hard to forgive a cheating women.Does it have something to do with our huge ego's or is simple our nature not to forgive women.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by James on -
In that context, what does it matter how many times she has cheated? Here is my view: She cheats, that degrades her. She is no longer the woman I married, she's just a 2 bit whore. Marriage vows are like a contract. If she breaks hers, I am no longer expected to uphold mine. If someone cheats, I take that as a sign that they don't wanna be in the relationship anyway. I mean, the most intimate thing 2 people can take part in, she does with some other guy. That's a whore, and not a woman worth staying married to. Maybe she will grow up, and husband number 5 won't have to put up with that.
Bottom line: If you want out of a relationship, get out. Don't complain about how bad your marriage is and sleep with other people. There is no honour in that.
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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on -
I think there is a biological component.
I dare venture to say that a woman is more likely to continue a marriage past a cheating spouse than she is a husband who will not fulfill his duties as provider and protector.
Inversely, a Man is less likely to forgive a cheating wife than he will a wife who is a poor nester.
A Male has a biological imperative to reproduce successfully, while a Female has a biological imperative to see that her offspring and herself are provided for.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on -
@James: "Here is my view: She cheats, that degrades her. She is no longer the woman I married, she's just a 2 bit whore."
I hear words like those, and it makes my blood boil. Seriously, I just want to kick the ass of the man who would speak of his wife that way, cheating or not.
First off, if you honestly believe that you're the man that your wife married, then you are seriously delusional. Everyone marries a stranger, to some degree; that's why it's an adventure. You're constantly learning more about the person you married, some good and some bad. You take the good surprises as a blessing and you accept the bad surprises as inevitable hurdles to be worked out. A marriage without forgiveness is doomed to failure before it starts.
Secondly, your wife is still the same person that you married, except that she's made a huge mistake. But our actions (good or bad) don't define us. If your wife is nothing but a sexual plaything to you, then yeah, sex with another guy is the worst betrayal imaginable. But step outside your own ego for a second and understand that you just might have had a part in pushing her away and into the other man's arms. She's still to blame, but you're not necessarily a saint in the matter (especially if you're jumping straight to calling her a "2 bit whore").
If you're dealing with a repeat offender who simply doesn't care about the marriage, then by all means, let her go. But if she's honestly repentant and willing to work on getting your marriage back on its feet, then there's something to consider. I thought David's comment did an excellent job of highlighting the responsibility of a husband in a marriage. Are you there just to get what you can out of it, so long as your wife is still holding up her end? Or did you make a commitment to care for that woman through thick and thin, regardless of what life threw at you? I believe that a strong man will look at adultery as a crippling blow to his confidence, trust, and ego, but not a fatal blow.
I still think it's ironic that the non-Christian world looks at casual sex outside of marriage as nothing to get riled up about, yet it's the "be-all and end-all" harbinger of death in a relationship when someone goes outside the relationship for it. Here I am, a Christian, reminding you not to hate and condemn the sinner for slipping into her natural tendency to sin. Don't kid yourself; you're not an angel, either. If she's not deserving of forgiveness on this matter, there are a thousand other mistakes you've made for which you didn't deserve to be forgiven. Maybe you're okay with the hypocrisy, but at least acknowledge your failure as a man, rather than trying to claim the high ground.
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Permalink Reply by James on
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We aren't talking about domestic issues here, whether you keep forgetting to put the toilet seat down, or if she is using your razor. There are good and bad things about all of us, and when 2 people live together was always find out more... But come on! We aren't involved in arranged marriages anymore, if you are marrying a stranger you shouldn't be getting married yet! And as I said way before in this post, about the only thing I won't just let go IS cheating. And it isn't a forgiveness issue, it is an issue of if it gets to that point the marriage is over!
About your second point, you as a Christian, knowing the emphasis God puts on sex, should know that sex is WAY more than a physical thing. She isn't just cheating with her body, its with her mind and spirit as well. Or, in a man's case, his mind and spirit. Obviously, if a man is pushing her into another man's arms with his borish ways, it is an issue that should have been dealt with before it got to the point of cheating.
Marriage is a partnership. Contrary to what many think it isn't a 50/50 deal, it is both parties giving 100%. Both people have to give their all to make it work. Cheating isn't giving it your all, it is giving nothing.
As I also said before, it works both ways. It isn't just about a wife cheating, it goes the same for the husband. Any man who cheats on his wife is no man at all, but a man who cheats and then expects to be forgiven is a real heel!
By the way, step off your high horse for a minute and realize you aren't the only Christian here. I'm also a Christian but I'm not using my faith as a tool to prove my point, but completely disregarding it at other times. What would Jesus say about making comments like "Seriously, I just want to kick the ass of the man who would speak of his wife that way, cheating or not."?
By the way, regarding that comment it would't be a comment about my wife, it would be a remark about my ex-wife. And don't forget, even the Bible didn't hesitate to call loose women whores.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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First off, I'm curious about something. Are you married? I just can't imagine a Christian husband speaking about his wife (or "ex-wife," as if that somehow makes it okay) in that manner.
"If you are marrying a stranger you shouldn't be getting married yet!"
Come on, you know what I was saying. No one really knows everything about their bride or groom, regardless of how well they think they do. I guarantee you that the person you're standing next to after 10 years of marriage is going to be a different person than you married, at least in your perception.
"And it isn't a forgiveness issue, it is an issue of if it gets to that point the marriage is over!"
Well, the topic here is forgiveness, and given that you'd consider her to be a "2 bit whore," it doesn't really sound like you're too open to forgiveness.
"Marriage is a partnership. Contrary to what many think it isn't a 50/50 deal, it is both parties giving 100%. Both people have to give their all to make it work. Cheating isn't giving it your all, it is giving nothing."
I wouldn't argue with that. In fact, I believe I wrote something along those same lines: "Are you there just to get what you can out of it, so long as your wife is still holding up her end?" If you throw in the towel because your wife isn't putting in her 100%, 50%, or even 15%, then how exactly are you continuing to put in your own 100%, regardless of her contribution? That sounds like conditional love, the opposite of what we're called to. You know; as Christians.
"What would Jesus say about making comments like 'Seriously, I just want to kick the ass of the man who would speak of his wife that way, cheating or not.'?"
Good point. I let my disgust over an unchivalrous and unmanly comment direct my wording. "I want to kick the butt of the man" just didn't carry the weight I was intending to convey. The fact that you considered that a "threat" was kind of petty, considering that we're discussing something on an Internet forum, so I'm unlikely to physically attack you.
"And don't forget, even the Bible didn't hesitate to call loose women whores."
That's not a man speaking about the woman he once swore to love, cherish, and protect more than his own life. Any man who could throw out such comments about that woman either never cared for her at all, or he's letting his emotions dictate his actions; neither option is the sign of a mature husband.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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As another thought, Christians are taught to find a way to forgive, regardless of the wrong done to them. You say that "it isn't a forgiveness issue," so you may already agree with that.
But forgiving a cheating spouse means giving up your right to extract your "pound of flesh" from them and loving them even though they failed you. No, it doesn't mean that you have to stay married to them; some just can't take the emotional pain, and God did provide an "out" in that case. But you most certainly don't turn around and refer to her as a "2-bit whore." That's a surefire sign that there's been no forgiveness.
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Permalink Reply by Deanna McGuire on -
I really like your views on this subject. It does take a bigger man/woman to forgive. I also agree that it's a refreshing change to see a Christian standing up for non-judgement. I thought I was alone or a huge minority in that.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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Thanks, Deanna. :)
I don't usually voice my opinions so strongly, but as you can probably tell, I feel pretty strongly about this particular subject.
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Permalink Reply by asa c mcguire on -
I must commend your overall thoughts and defense on this subject. My hats off to you Sir.
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