I'm sorry for rambling and making this post so long. I just felt like putting myself out there.
A girlfriend of mine has suggested to me that I should take a few months, after I finish college, and go out of the country and live in hostels or something similar to find myself. I know a lot of people may think "finding yourself" is a cliche but there is honestly a lot I don't know about myself.
I just turned 29 and my life thus far is void of a lot of experiences that one would think I would have had by now. I've lived in the same house my whole life. there are only a couple times since I became an adult that I've spent more than 3 weeks away from home. The longer of those two was when I took a month long vacation to Denver (I live in a military town in Georgia) and stayed with family during that time. I've only had a relationship of any length with two females. I had a girlfriend for about 3 months when I was 16, I never got past first base, and when I was 21 I had a 3 year relationship with a younger girl, we had sex for at least two of those years. Since then I haven't been able to go on more than 3 dates with anyone or get past 1st base with anyone. So I've only had sex with one woman. I've never been kicked out of my house, my parents have always been very loving christians so the last time we didn't get along was when I was a teenager. I'm really bad at making friends or just talking to people I don't know. The last time I had more than 4 friends that I hung out with or talked to more than once a week was when I was in public school. I was home schooled from 8th grade till I got my GED. And my main problem is I have a really bad memory so I don't remember what it was like to be a kid, to be in a relationship, etc.
I am a very logical person and I feel that many emotions are irrational and therefor should be avoided if possible. I don't get emotional often. I avoid getting angry and I haven't had the opportunity to feel any sort of romantic love for years. I get depressed sometimes. At least I call it depression. I've never really talked to anyone about it to find out if I have a problem at all. I make a big effort to keep a positive mindset and I'm really good at it. Also my poor memory makes it easy for me to forget the things that make me sad or angry, so I hardly ever stay sad overnight. I really don't like acting on negative emotions like sadness or anger because I've realized that it just reinforces the emotion. I've thought about this a lot and I don't think that I'm burying something inside of me and heading towards some kind of emotional breakdown. I don't really feel that I have a lot to be depressed about. The only things in my life that make me sad are things I don't have. I don't involve myself in "drama". I don't have anyone who annoys or pushes my buttons a lot. I have a lot of free time since I'm only going to school part time and only working part time so I spend most of my week playing video games. Its not often that I am pressed for time unless I procrastinate too much.
What I want most is to get rid of my shyness. For a few years I have tried to break out of being shy. The way I think of my shyness now is that when I think about going up to someone to start a conversation, my main fear is that I will not think of what to say. I know, from Dale Carnegie, that a good way to be good conversationalist is to be interested in the person you're talking to and just ask them questions about themselves. I don't have many relationships so I don't know what is normal and what isn't when talking to strangers. So it feels weird to me to ask someone for contact information. I don't know a good way of how to show that I want to go beyond the current conversation that I'm having and become friends of some sort. And then when, for what reason, and how often should I contact this person to hang out or what not.
I'm not really asking for specific guidelines or suggestions for individual problems I've mentioned, but any advice you feel like sharing would be appreciated. I guess I would really like to know if anyone thinks that taking a vacation of some sort and completely getting out of my element is a good way to break out of my shyness. Maybe I should be asking a shrink about these things, I don't know.
Given the extremely limited contraints of an online community, here's a possible take on your situation.
You have a problem.
You have sufficient self-awareness to have a glimmer of what your problem is.
Your problem is you are well and truly burrowed into a "Comfort Zone".
Comfort Zones are SAFE. They are extremely important for childrem, but they are a deadly trap for a lot of folks who are well into their adult years.
I've relatives in exactly the same situation. Living with the parents, something that made perfect sense a century back when the family were farmers, is confortable, easy, and SAFE.
Your simple solution is move out. And that means out of that town.
You need to physically distance yourself from your "loving Christian" parents. They are enabling your "Comfort Zone".
I agree with Native Son. I would also add that going abroad is probably not the best thing to do. I would suggest picking up a craft or trade as a hobby. Find something you enjoy doing--be it woodworking, metalworking, etc.--and dedicate yourself to mastering that craft. The journey towards becoming a master craftsman will increase your confidence by leaps and bounds. As you gain confidence in your technical ability, so will you gain confidence in your sense of self. An added benefit is that when you delve deeply into a craft, you enter into a circle of like-minded people. You will go to stores and suppliers where you will meet people doing what you do, giving you plenty to talk about. Once you meet people through "shop talk", you can build friendships that include other facets of your life.
I like that idea very much Derrick. I'm a climber... That's what does it for me. I find myself much more able to socialize when it's about something rather than simply for the sake of socializing.
First, I want to say that I'm new here too and I've been dealing/dealt with a lot of the same things in mind that you have. I can't tell you I can help you because this stuff is nearly impossible to understand without you understanding it internally. I hope I can be a source of positive motion for you because I do personally feel for your situation as you described it. If you don't like what you read I would understand that completely, but recognize that I would never criticize who you are fundamentally but just what you're doing to who you are.
I was home schooled up to 8th grade, then went to a christian school for 6 months, a public school for 6 months, then in high school I only spent freshman year at a school with over 20 kids. I ended up graduating with 4 other people.
Needless to say your feelings of social ineptitude are not strange to me. Granted, I used to be a Christian but those days are irrevocably over for various reasons I won't go into.
Anyhow, let's talk about what the problem is.. Cause I have/have had very similar problems.
I currently live abroad for the same reasons you are considering travelling abroad. It helps you get to know a side of yourself but you really have to search to actually "know" yourself. My suggestion is that if you do, recognize that travelling isn't going to change your view of you or change your shyness, YOU will change that. You have to decide who you will be and be it.
You memory is a choice as well, and believe me, if you travel outside of the country that will change. You'll have to take care of yourself in ways you'd never have imagined, about things you'd never have known you would care about. Ultimately, at least for me, it's not memory as much as not taking care of things and being a bit mentally lazy. I know it would be easy to get defensive here but I'm running off my personal experience so I'm just saying, think about it.
Your whole idea of being logical and not trusting emotions because they're irrational and illogical... Not good. Things like that, especially the idea that negative emotions ought not be shown is the way people become passive aggressive. If emotions are irrational and illogical then why do we have them in the first place. They indicate the way the situation is effecting you and in showing them you're communicating with other people the effect they have on you. You're taught not to deal with anger by lashing out, and your taught not to cry and be a wuss about things but there is a huge difference between being an angry, violent person and a healthy expression of anger same as grief or any other reason for sadness ought to be expressed. In fact, to be entirely devoid of emotion is not only impossible but it is illogical. You're a human, you have emotions and they mean something. Don't be a straw Vulcan. This is actually something that I've been figuring out slowly on my own personally. I get extremely passive aggressive and snappy, I'm still learning what the appropriate expression of emotions is and will likely be learning for a very long time. But the thing is to recognize your feelings, and recognize they are valid and meaningful to the situation and express them appropriately. This is not being illogical, wussy, or anything like that. This is reacting to situations, it's what you do anyhow. But by filtering emotions through "positivity" and "logic" you're not letting yourself have the proper reaction.
Finally, you are allowing what others will "think" about you effect how you will communicate with them. SOME PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE YOU. You can't make everyone happy, and the more you try the less people will respect you. The start to developing a healthy social life is that you must respect yourself. You respect others by respecting yourself, and you earn their respect that way. It's crazy how it works. But the thing is, you're focused so much on "what if they don't like me" or "what if I don't have anything to say" or "what if I come off awkward" instead think "there's a person, I wonder what they have to say to make my life a bit more interesting." I know it seems crazy but the shyness (at least my version of it) comes from a very selfish, narcissistic place where I would imagine I was somehow better than everyone but none of them ever knew it or recognized it. To change that focus less on proving yourself, focus less on trying to make the other person like you. Dale Carnegie didn't say that because it will make someone like you, he said it because that's how you show interest in someone. When you show interest in someone, why would you focus on whether they like you or not? Just be interested...! If they stop interesting you, move on. In the end, be yourself. It seems hard because you're sure you don't know yourself but that's not the case. You do, you've just been sheltering yourself from rejection from other men and women. You've been scared that somehow, you will not be accepted as who you fundamentally are. Stop that and just live.
Travelling in your situation is a snake oil. It won't change you, and unless you fundamentally change the way you approach who you are it will likely make you more reserved, frustrated, and resentful of others for not trying to get to know you. However, if you're ready to go out, get a little crazy, and care more about the time you're having and less about what people are thinking about you then I'd suggest rather than taking a trip, doing an ESL job for a year in another country. I'd stay out of Korea because I think that would reinforce what you're dealing with rather than helping you uncover yourself. Personally, I think you'd be very happy in Thailand if you don't have too much for expenses. Just remember, always remember that nothing will be your remedy. You decide who you are and how that effects you.
I'm not the best at expressing myself without coming off a bit contentious so I hope I didn't put you on the defensive. And this is stuff that is very difficult to articulate in a way that is understandable.
I hope this put you on a path to becoming someone you respect, and feel good about.
How to find yourself? You mean character building.
Do something that literally scares the hell out of you and make sure it has a hard physical element to it. It has to drive you almost to the end of your tether.
Yes, it will suck. Yes, you will hate it.
Nothing good in this life comes without a lot of effort.
Do it now, or spend the rest of your life hating yourself and wishing you had while you were younger and stronger.
Unwrap yourself from the cotton wool, before someone else does it for you.
Sorry to be blunt, but nobody got anywhere in life without experiencing a lot of hard truths.
Take a look at anyone who made it big, or even just made it. No fairytales anywhere, cinderella. Even Steve Jobs had to put up with a lot of shite, and cancer ate him before he got the chance to retire disgracefully.
She's suggesting a trip. Out of the country.
By going somewhere totally different than you're used to, your experiences will be broadened, and you'll see new things. That's a given. But what that does for you, is internal...it's up to you.
So, let me ask it this way. Is going on a vacation going to turn you into a different person?
To me, you just sound shy. New experiences (or, I should say *dealing* with new experiences) can bring you out of your shell, by necessity. But you're describing all this as if it's a bad thing. It's not. It just...is.
Ultimately, it's just about being the best you you can be. It's what you do with what you've got, that actually matters.
You strike me as someone who might be a Dr. Who fan, so let me explain it in Whovian terms. You're Martha, in the first "Alias Smith and Jones" episode. The Doctor took her traveling, but it wasn't the travel that changed her. And it wasn't the Doctor, either. It was her own inner growth, her newfound sense of worth, her confidence, and her openness to TRYING that ultimately made her into the post-companion powerhouse that she became. SHE (not the Doctor, though he certainly lead her in that direction) opened herself up to infinite possibilities, and that is what changed her, from the inside, out.
It's the same journey that we all take. The rest of us just manage to do it without a TARDIS.
I seen a really good TV show last week I think might be helpful and relevant to your situation.
It was on British TV(I'm Scottish), and I'm guessing your american, but if you search on youtube " Derren brown: fear and faith " you should find it, if not the internet is vast and beautiful, if you look you'll find it. You might even have heard of the Derren Brown guy.
Basically I think it'd be relevant 'cause one of the main participants was self described kinda agoraphobic, socially anxious and pathologically awkward.
The premise of the show is this guy, Derren Brown, gives a group of people with various phobias a drug, which he says is used in the army to take away fear, gives them the drug and follows them for a couple of weeks. It's a placebo of course.
The super shy guy has like the most noticeable improvement of anyone, hes usually always shut in the house, and after a day he's out with a tape recorder for a project, interviewing strangers in the street, and an actor comes over to be all aggressive and he confronts him and stuff.
The point of the show is that you have an innate ability to overcome any fear, and there's a lot of content on AoM dedicated to overcoming fear. If you haven't heard of the guy at least google him, hes j=kinda into mind power.
I really recommend watching the show, to see for yourself and decide if it's useful.
The first real vacation I remember taking was a scuba trip to Cozumel. In order to do this, I had to first learn scuba, so it was quite an involved undertaking. it was a fantastic adventure and, as I booked it through a dive shop, I didn't need to concern myself too much about unfamiliar surroundings. So, yeah, if you can afford the time and expense, treat yourself to something that pushes your limits a bit. If physical stuff isn't your bag, try a cruise. (on my personal bucket list)
Now the bad news. A single moment in time won't change things significantly unless it is a true epiphany, and in my experience they are rare in life. It seems you are coming to an end of a chapter in your life with upcoming graduation. . It is naturally important to plan that next chapter. You might consider more long term character builders like toastmasters, martial arts, mens' group if your a man of faith, etc.
Sorry for taking so long to reply, school got in the way and then I forgot replying for a while. I still am not getting email notifications for replies yet I have a post on the forum about that but no one has helped me with it yet.
I checked out the New Warrior training events and that looks like something I'd like to do but they're not coming to Georgia any time soon.
I do have somewhat of a hobby, I play Magic the Gathering (A collectible card game) competitively on a weekly basis. I'm slowly becoming friends with some of the other people who play often. A few of the other players play Camarilla (A vampire LARP) and they have invited me to join them a few times. I have found role playing to be one of the hardest things for me to do. Camarilla is mostly about having conversations and imagining a scene and events. They try to get away from the pen and paper side of it as much as possible.
I feel the need to reply to a lot of the points that have been brought up here but that would take me a while and I am pressed for time right now. I need to leave for class soon. Also TBH I'm too lazy to go back and reread the discussion. I am very thankful that you all shared your advice with me and have continued to discuss this topic without me tho.
To reply to a few things I realize that just visiting another country for a time isn't going to change me, but I hope (If I am still financially able to do it after I finish school) that it will put me a place where I will be able to change. Or at least give me some interesting stories to share. I found the Derren Brown video on youtube, I'm going to watch it later it seems interesting.
I am planning on moving out after the beginning of my next semester until I graduate. At the earliest I will be graduating at the end of next summer.
Cam games are good if you can separate reality from the fantasy of it. For the LARP be the character. Play a Malcavion, they are crazy anyway you wish to play it. Which means you can't mis-step with the interactions will people. If you miss some social queue people will write it off as good roleplay.
Seriously look at an acting class and a public speaking class to work on shyness.
I have a friend who was the shy guy in High School. His first few years of college where Shy. When he found out the girl he was interested in for a few years was also interested in him but he was too shy to ask he got mad enough at himself to change.
The other day I was having dinner with him and a friend and we were discussing our mutual friend’s reticence to ask a girl out. The reluctant one asked the option of the waitress. She said you just need to jump into life and go for it. At which point my friend (the ex shy one) said look it is simple as, (turning to the waitress) “Can I get your number?” The waitress first asked if my friend was serious. He was, so she give him her number then her name.
The point of the story is that you have to choose to make a change and choose to be a new man.
Another man I met was a sliver tonged devil with the women. I asked him how he did it. He said he read a bunch of stories and he wanted to be that guy. And one day he chose to be that guy.
Read Quarter Share by Nathan Lowel http://solarclipper.com/get-the-books/
It will teach you some life lessons you may have missed and how to treat and romance women with respect and care as equals.
Beyond that, take a class (acting is great) at the community college and make it a point to fight the shyness to speak up in class and be social. Most courses push group work so it is a good starter for practicing not being shy. The evening acting class I took helped a lot with realizing what people see is what you project for them to see intentionally or otherwise. That means you do have a choice and control. Make the choice to take control.
It will be full of fear at first but worth the effort.