Art of Manliness

Finding a father-figure.

Hello everyone!

I really don't know where to begin. You see, things between me and my father are fine, I guess, but it doesn't feel like we have a real dad-son relationship. He's a little detached, or perhaps I'm a little reluctant. Either way, it doesn't work. I have tried to strengthen our relationship, but to no avail. I have talked to quite a few people I felt comfortable with. These include teachers and youth leaders. It felt to me like they too were uninterested or emotionally disabled, to be frank. I have no one else to turn to. I can't seek the help of any of the youth leaders or pastors or whatnot, since it's apparently frowned upon to be what I call a Buddhist-Christian.

So now I have come here, seeking the advice of men; perhaps some with similar experiences. I have such a deep need for a father-figure or something of the like. It's a relationship I can't find in any of my friends, the girl I love, or my actual father. And I feel terrible when I say this, knowing that my problem is minuscule, and I know that God is my Father.

The point is, I am clueless and starting to feel frustrated. I just need someone to be there for me, and who is interested. Someone who will listen to my rants about my ideals and how I feel like a hypocrite, someone who will set me straight when I do stupid things.

Well, there you have it. I hope I didn't sound to whiny there...

Any help would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

Tags: dad, father, figure, help, relationship, son

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Permalink Reply by Nick H on December 4, 2012 at 3:59am

I should read the other first but I don't have time at the moment and I wanted to share my comment. Apologises if I am repeating anyone.

I don't know if its a father-figure you want or a mentor. A mentor is something we all need in life.

As for father. You have one. I know its not what you want it to be but it is what it is. Your father, right or wrong, is irreplaceable. You may not see it but there are parts of your personality in him. I think along with your search for a mentor, you should work harder at getting to know your dad. Someday he'll be gone and you wished you did.

Gotta go now. Will write more later.

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Permalink Reply by Will on December 8, 2012 at 7:29am

"I can't seek the help of any of the youth leaders or pastors or whatnot, since it's apparently frowned upon to be what I call a Buddhist-Christian."

That reason would surprise a lot of youth leaders, etc. I suggest you reverse your ruling-out of them.

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Permalink Reply by Beowulf87 on December 9, 2012 at 2:10pm

I certainly know the need. I found a man who is kind of my mentor, and as I do not have a father at all in my life, it works well. It may take some time. Friend, pastor, teacher? Just keep your eyes open.

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Permalink Reply by Tor on December 15, 2012 at 4:09pm

I wish I had some golden advice for you, but the best I’ve got is to say I relate.
My father and I speak every day and see each other about once a week. That would appear like we are close, but most of our interaction is predicated on conflict. We butt heads like a couple of pissed off rams.

If you’re finding the effort is completely one-sided, you’re going to have to step back and recognize it’s not your fault. That’s hard as hell to realize most the time because sons seem to instinctively think their father’s disapproval or disinterest is due to something lacking in themselves. The reality is often a father expecting his son a younger version of himself and don’t have the first clue how to interact when they realize that’s not how life works.

At any rate man, you are not alone in this. Father issues are as old as mankind.