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Failure To Lose Your Virginity
I'm sure most of us here have seen the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin. If you haven't, watch it. Its hilarious. I don't think I really need to explain the premise, but this does tie in with my question.
If a man is still a virgin and it is not by choice; at what age should he say to himself "Okay, I have a problem connecting with women (or men) romantically and something needs to change."
I can understand if you have personal or religious views that encourage you to keep yourself pure or whatever. I'm asking for the people who have no major hangups about two people having sex. People who view sex as a part of a romantic relationship or even just a fun way to spend a night.
Lets even take this question a step further back. Lets say that a man is now XX age and has never even kissed a girl (or guy). This is a big problem in his life that needs to change. How old is too old to have never kissed someone romantically and it is not by choice.
For the record, I consider myself as sort of a late bloomer, but not as bad as others. I first started dating when I was 17 and lost my virginity around 21 or 22.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pete Noy on -
Why the rush. Personally I don't feel that there is any clock that mandates you needing to have sex by a certain age. Perhaps the person does not feel that they have made the right connections to pursue a sexual relationship and that is fine. It will happen when it happens. Trying to rush things could potentially cause issues.
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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on -
" If a man is still a virgin and it is not by choice; at what age should he say to himself "Okay, I have a problem connecting with women (or men) romantically and something needs to change."
He should say to himself he may have a problem connecting with Women romantically as soon as he wants to do so and finds that he can't.
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Permalink Reply by Andrew Vincent on -
I agree with Micheal. "he may have a problem connecting with Women romantically as soon as he wants to do so and finds that he can't". This doesn't happen at a set age, and I would expect it would very between individuals. But as soon as the man decides that there is a problem, its time to find a solution.
I think this question may have to do with with the over sexualization of modern western culture. Look at the way popular adults and young adults are portrayed in the media, look at the fashions, look at the way people dance in the clubs. Individuals are pressured more and more by society to fit in, and part of this is to start having sex. I'm sure some people remembers high school, and doing something just because thats what everyone else did, or at least because thats what you heard everyone else was doing weather they were or not. Not every one is ready to have sex in high school, or college, or be fore being married. Much the same way not everyone is ready for a serious relationship in their teens, twenties, or thirties.
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Permalink Reply by Jason on -
There is actually a term for this: Involuntary celibacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_celibacy).
Off the top of my head: If you've been open to romance and nothing has happened by your mid-twenties, then I would think it would be important to actively meet new people and try to get a relationship going. I imagine letting this issue slide much longer would be incredibly demoralizing.
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Permalink Reply by Stephen Rausch on -
It actually goes beyond being demoralizing. I was talking to my friend who is a sexual psychologist, and she told me that lot of men who come to see her do so for prolonged virginity. She said that after their mid-twenties it actually beings to become psychologically damaging. The longer they go, the worse it is for them. If they go past thirty, their odds of being able to enter into any sort of healthy long-term relationship drops dramatically. Apparently they may even be prescribed a girlfriend. These are women who work with the men to form a relationship, and eventually have sex with them. It's like having an on-call escort that insurance pays for.
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Benton on -
so - is this legalized prostitution?
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Gaston on -
Sort of, Sex therapy I think is what they call it. Its sort of a grey area but like escorts is totally legal. They are being paid for something other than the sex, although in this situation it is generally expected of course.
I've heard the same thing as what Stephen said from other professionals. If it isn't by choice chances are there is an underlying psychological issue and failing to address it just makes it worse. The problem is that this is an issue that most men are not going to go out and seek help for, especially professional help.
Dan Savage at Savage Love recommends escorts or prostitutes for this sort of thing. Its probably a lot better for a man with issues connecting to women, and growing ever more anxious about losing their virginity to do so with an understanding professional.
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Benton on
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Yeah- sounds JUST like the line of work I want my wife in. (sarcasm)
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Gaston on
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No one is talking about marrying sex therapists or sex workers here.
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Benton on
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Well what if your wife wanted to go into that field...I was just saying.
Also, I have to wonder about how much PAYING for sex is really helping the situation.
I have to say, for myself at least, I'm not sure PAYING would make feel any better about the inability to have an intimate relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Gaston on
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I doubt most of the women in that field are married. But5 if someones wife wanted to that is a decision between her and her husband and their choice is their own.
As for the paying aspect, it depends. Data indicates that for many men much of the problem is an ever mounting anxiety centered around the act itself. Its hard to argue with the data that it works, at least for some percentage of men with intimacy problems.
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