First of all sorry for the long sob story but I see good advice given on this forum and thought it would be a good place to turn to.
My whole life has been out of balance for a long time now. I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious circle of periods of relative health and periods of emotional/mental illness.
I oversleep most days and have not worked properly since last year - and even then I was not working on a regular basis. I've just been living off my savings and just about managing everyday tasks like cooking a meal and washing etc.
I was massively depressed ten years ago, but I eventually got through it and found work, became self-employed and improved my education. I remember when I was 22 thinking that my life would have taken a complete turnaround by the time I'm 32, but it has not. The feelings of depression are back. I've even had thoughts of suicide, which shook me a bit. These thoughts have not been persistent, but I know from experience I need to see a doctor and have made an appointment.
I think I started to fall just over two years ago. I was struggling with my personal problems as well as with the fact that my mother was quite ill. Then, 18 months ago my mother died after an emergency operation and since then I've been slowly falling apart.
Just before my mother's death I was struggling with the fact that I've never really had a proper girlfriend and that I find social situations difficult. It's now eight years since I was with a woman. Apart from my brother, I have no strong friendships with other men or women.
But the thing is, despite all this inner turmoil I somehow manage to hide it from a lot of people and even achieve some personal goals. For example, a woman who I know well enough to chat to commented that I must have loads of girfriends. If she only knew the truth! And then, despite finding life in general almost impossible, I recently passed an open university course that I've been doing part time. Something doesn't add up.
I suppose I feel overwhelmed by my personal problems and how my mood can range from a cheerfull optimism to a feeling of total despair.
On the one hand I don't feel as depressed as I was ten years ago, but on the other hand I know that something is not right with me. My emotional problems go back to my childhood and my teens and twenties have not been much fun.
I just feel like I've reached crisis point.
Anyway, thankyou for reading. I am grateful for any advice or encouragement.
I also did not consider your post to be a rant. On the contrary, I'm glad you made your counterpoints to Preston's post because it helps me look at what I can realistically do now.
Thankyou for your advice and ideas for moving forward. Some of the ideas, such as exercise, I'm already pushing myself to do. It makes a big difference if I manage to go and do some punching on the heavy bag, pull ups etc, then a walk to cool down.
Getting up earlier is the challenge. I did manage to get up a bit earlier today though.
You're not going to believe this but last night I decided to write down some tasks for today into my diary to make it easier to organize myself, for example buy food, iron my clothes, plant tomato seeds etc. This is something I've done before and forgotten how satisfying it is to tick each job off the list. This morning I was up at a decent time and have done these tasks. In a while I will go and do some exercise. I might try to plan my week ahead in a similar fashion.
One day at a time...
Awesome! Way to go! It is indeed satisfying mark the activities as completed when you finish them. I'm thrilled to know that you are feeling better and able to be more active.
It seems to me that I have to get active before I can start to feel better. I went for an easy jog last night and found it made a huge difference to my mood.
Just want to thank everyone for their input so far. I apologize that I've been unable to thank and respond to everyone who has given me encouragement. Every reply I've received has helped to some degree and I'm touched by the kindness shown to me here.
A week ago I felt truly awful. But sharing my troubles on this forum has lifted a huge burden. I remembered the other day that I've been through this before and it was actually a lot worse the last time. With the help of your replies I remembered that in the recent past I've done things like join a martial arts club to improve my social life and taken on educational courses to keep my mind active. I can do this again.
I think what has scared me is how quietly and insidiously the depression can creep into my life and start taking it apart. There's a part of me that is very dynamic and organized and another part of me incredibly self-destructive. For example, one of my goals was to get my private pilot's license. I had actually saved enough cash to do it but most of the money has now gone i.e. to cover basic living costs while not working. I find it hard to hold the 'bigger picture' in my mind, i.e. the benefits of staying on top of the emotions, exercising and working regularly etc.
I think what has scared me is how quietly and insidiously the depression can creep into my life and start taking it apart
Amen to that! Keep up the good work--and remember, despite all the crazy discussions and personalities on this site, I truely believe that most of us are here to lend a helping hand when it is needed.
I also believe that most of the people here mean well.
You're right, isolating myself from others has made things worse and this is something I will put right in due course.
Just thought I'd give a quick update after seeing the doctor again this morning.
I had blood tests a week ago just to rule out anything else, such as diabetes, that could affect my mood. Thankfully, I got the all clear there. Also the doctor was pleased with my progress in terms of getting up earlier and exercising. And I'm pleased to say that I don't need medication ( I'm not knocking anyone that does take medication - I've needed to in the past). Along with my doctor, I believe that I've got myself into a rut after a prolonged difficult time in my life. Looking back a decade, I was in a truly bad place but I got myself out back then.
I'm hoping to get back into work later this week, and hopefully from then on I will make more good progress.
I think that sharing the problem with the doctor, and on here, was a big help.
Once I'm working regularly, I will start looking at how I can make gradual, positive changes to my social life and then, hopefully, my love life too.
I know these things can take time, and I suppose that's why I had this huge self doubt of being able to live life in general.
Thank you so much for the update!!!
Glad you to hear you are taking steps!!
Personally I found that kicking up my Vitamin D to 2000 IU has staved off winter doldrums for the first time in years. Not nearly what you are going through but it is a cheap simple step that might also help along with the exercise.
Keep at it and keep us in formed.
Thank you again!
Thankyou David. Definately worth trying supplements. I know they are only a small part of the solution but they're worth considering nonetheless. I swear that omega 3 capsules help with my mood, so I take some every day. I might look into the vitamin D too.
Congratulations! One step at a time, right?