As you can assume from the title, my parents were divorced when I was 9.
I just came out of a pretty tough breakup from my girlfriend of one year. I fell into my usual habits, I fell in love with her quickly and began molding my life around hers. She was very hot and cold from the beggining and despite telling me she loved me for months, recently she realized how mistaken she was. We never fought, there was just a lack of spark from her, limiting passion and anger I suppose.
Even though I spent the year on a emotional roller coaster, I still Fought for her. I find myself doing this with girls that Ive dated very short times in the past. Girls that I never should have dated after the first date due to obvious reasons I work through for months due to sheer hardheadedness and will. I move fast, I overlook obvious flaws in her thinking it will all be ok if I somehow do better.
Its terrible. I know its unhealthy as I write this. My question is essentially, is this normal behavior of males that come from broken homes ? I think I idealize love and relationships to where I find myself applying marriage advice to relationships of two months. I dont know how to let them fail when they should.
One of my greatest fears is never getting a family of my own. And as a 27 year old male, I wonder why I feel so much pressure internally.
Any help understanding this, or how to begin healing so that I can avoid repeating this pattern would help.
Well as an individual who came from a traditional home with both my biological parents together, I can say that I have experienced similar tendencies in the past with girls. I know that before I met my Fiance, I was in some of the same patterns you were.
I was more than willing to throw everything of myself into the relationship. i think this has a lot to do with loyalty. I'm a big fan of fidelity and loyalty to the person you're with. Personally, in those previous relationships I had almost adopted a shoot first, ask questions later type of mentality. I would meet a girl, like her, become infatuated, begin dating, and within a few months convince myself that I was truly in love with her, rather or not she felt the same way I don't know for sure.
All i know is that I had to make myself take a break from girls after my last big breakup over 2 and a half years ago and being a follower of Christ, relied on him to lead a girl to me when the time was right. 2 years later, I found her.
This relationship is much different from the ones I have had in the past like you had described you were falling victim to. There was no sense of inequality between us. We didn't place each other on pedestals and try to force the relationship to work, we simply went through all the stages of dating rather than "i like you, I love you, lets get married". We took our time. In fact, before I even began dating her, i told her i was waiting a year to date again in order to "clear my head" from all my mistakes and problems of past relationships.
Luckily she liked me enough to wait around and we began dating, and did that for a year, and now, we'll be getting married in October.
But back to your original question, I don't think it's a "How you're raised" thing or even the type of family you come from. I honestly think it's something that develops in time that is influenced by MULTIPLE factors, rather than JUST one thing like growing up in a broken home even though that's a big part.
I too found myself fighting for failing relationships and doing everything in my power to stop them from ending when things went poorly. I always thought that she would change, or come around and feel the same way i did. (Lucky for me I found a girl that didn't need to change).
I think your fear of being alone is valid and is fueled by our biological need to reproduce before its too late as well as social influences telling us happiness is a family with a white picket fence. Either way you slice it, I think that any guy can be susceptible to what we experienced. i like to think of it as "lusting for love".
As a word of advice, I would take time away from the ladies, and take that time to remind yourself who you are, what you want, and how you can do it right the next time, rather than rush into it for the sake of having a serious relationship. When you step back from all of it, you do gain a lot of clarity and are able to sort through your own destructive tendencies.
After I had quit pursing the opposite sex, one found me and we pursued each other and it actually worked out.
Just my 2 cents.
I think your onto something here !
You're problem is fear. You're afraid to lose her. Whether that fear is rooted in the fear you felt as your parents marriage crumbled before your innocent nine-year old eyes I can only speculate, but I can pass along some advice.
Get rid of your fear. Never be afraid to lose her. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. Face your fear. Let it pass over and through you. Once your fear of losing her is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.
I am sure divorce is damaging, but the pattern you describe seems common to people who grew up in different kinds of homes.
Thanks to Chuck for the reminder about fear. I'm reminded of these twin principles:
* The fear I have of engulfment by a woman is not her fault
* The fear I have of abandonment by a woman is not her fault
... and I'll add, probably not something she could do much about, except sympathize. Our work is our own.
Parts of this sound only too familiar to me. Your comment of "I move fast, I overlook obvious flaws in her thinking it will all be ok if I somehow do better. " Rings all too true for me. It wasn't until recently when I realized that I had this problem and that I had to stop it. It's what I've heard referred to as "white knight syndrome". We believe that if we just put in that extra effort that everything will be okay. We find someone that has obvious flaws and throws up all sorts of red flags...but in the beginning we're thrilled that someone likes us and ignore ALL of those indications that this is a BAD idea. Then, some months in, when they still have the problems which they've had all along and we're frustrated and tired that they have those problems (which we now plainly see) it becomes too much to bear.
I don't know if this necessarily comes from a broken home or not, but I think it's definitely an unhealthy mindset that we need to realize we have and then overcome.
Don't know if that helps, but you're not alone.
Nope, not at all. Father had multiple marriages and ma died when I was young. I blow through atleast 8 women a year. After all women are expendable and easily replacable, so don't get tied up and have fun.