Hi,

a friend of mine in the last days has treated me really bad, for her is a tough time. We hear every day  and for every problem I was present: I helped her to prepare for the exam, I have given to a pc and I have ajusted it. This was a sincere relationship.
But in the last few days she told me on the email: "I'm sorry if I do not reply to text messages, but I ended the credit .... I gotta study I have little time, see you soon.". But that was a lie because she has a promotion to send free text messages every day.
Now now she is gone, she connects on the internet but she didn't contact me.
What should I do? Why lie after so much kindness on my part? She answer to the good with the ingratitude .... I'm disappointed and I cannot concentrate on my life. I don't know if she used me, I know it's a bad time for her, but I'm confused: I thought that she started a new relationship, I thought that she didn't want answer because she  feel nervous for her problems (already a few days ago she answer me wrong), I do not know .... I do what should I do? Obviously I did not contact her

I hope you can give me some sage advice

Views: 471

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

She didn't answer a text ... and she didn't contact you when she got on the internet.  That's treating you "really bad"?

You're overreacting.  How old are you?

JB

I don't think he's overreacting.  I think he realized he's been friendzoned.

Advice: ditch the friendship.

Agreeing with Shane. Friendzoned, and not even very well. Forget her name.

I have also earned her $ 225, or that she does not want to talk to me for her problems or after all the good that I have done for me is a big loss in my life.

I would think the same.  I can add:  gratitude counts for little.  Polite people send thank-you notes from gratitude, and may do a return favor, but even polite people don't hang out or converse from gratitude.  That's supposed to be for enjoyment, not obligation.

It isn't what you thought it was. Move on.

Vince, sorry to hear that happened to you. I too have given favors, hoping to win goodwill, but ending up feeling used.

You can only control your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You can't control anyone else's. If you offer favors to someone because you like her and want her to like you, you need to accept up-front that the favors and the feelings might not be reciprocated.

Now let me tell you a secret to better relationships:

  • If you do people favors, they'll take you for granted. BUT...
  • If people feel good around you, they'll keep coming back for more.

You can't control other people's feelings, but you can help people feel good around you.

You could do that by treating them to all sorts of fun activities, which is what most men do when they court a woman, the problem being that then those good feelings are anchored to the activities more than they are to you. Like if you take her to a concert she really enjoys, she can always go with someone else instead of you. That's how a lot of divorces happen when the courtship is over and it's time to change dirty diapers.

So you need to make people feel good by your own words and deeds, and not by buying experiences to share with them. Something they can only get from you. Here are some of the best ways to make people feel happy around you:

  • Be happy, fun, warm, and playful yourself.
  • Think positively. Don't complain; have a resourceful frame of mine.
  • NEVER criticize. If someone else disappoints you, diplomatically tell them what you want, but don't criticize what they did wrong. That makes them feel bad, the opposite of what you want if you want them to like you.
  • Empathize with them. Take care of their feelings.

This advice works on all types of long-term relationships. It works on parents, girlfriends, wives, buddies, colleagues at work, and bosses. It doesn't always work, so you still have to accept that you don't control other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but it works better than doing favors to earn love and appreciation. Favors are good too; just don't wrap too much hope in them, and put a higher priority on taking care of other people's feelings.

Wishing you great success in matters of love and friendship.

Thank you all for commenting, I want to say that for us it wasn't just friendship. We shared laughter, tears when she was sick when she had a problem at the university: "hey I need you!" and I've always been there.
There are too many things done together. Then at some point her mind. It isn't the fact of not replying to text messages, but just to make me understand that she doesn't care anything yet until a week ago he told me: "You are precious to me ...", "I trust you ..." , okay, and then she tells me that lie. As before asking me to give her a PC and then she didn't even consider a friend?

Agreed with Shane, friendzoned

...it wasn't just friendship. We shared laughter, tears when she was sick when she had a problem at the university: "hey I need you!" and I've always been there.

Your assumption is that sharing feelings and being there for her implies "more than just friendship". Maybe that was true for you, and I certainly hope so, but was it true for her?

The continued use of the word "friend" and "friendzoned" in contexts that don't make sense to me makes me suspicious that young people nowadays use the word "friend" differently than I would. Like when two teenaged girls refer to each other as "BFFs" and then two weeks later they hate each other. Personally, I reserve the word "friend" for people who are not as frivolously disposable.

As before asking me to give her a PC and then she didn't even consider a friend?

The Law of Reciprocation states that when you do favors for people, they tend to reciprocate in some measure. It's true often enough to be useful, but it's not inviolable.

In fact, it can even backfire horribly. I've done all sorts of favors for people who then turned on me viciously.

People tend to act in accordance with their self-image. If being needy and in your debt does not fit in with her self-image, she might very well feel not gratitude but RESENTMENT. This has happened to me many times. Pull someone out of the gutter, later they not only show me the door but publicly slander my reputation. "How dare you know my weaknesses and neediness!"

Another scenario, even more sinister, and probably not the case in this case, is that people will go so far as to solicit favors in order to lure you into a false sense of complacency to set you up for a sting. You won't see it coming because you'll assume goodwill because of the Law of Reciprocation. This is a well-known con scheme--crooks will often ask for a favor of you before luring you into a bad deal or an ambush. This happened to me several times before I realized the pattern.

Sorry, Bud, hard lesson to learn. You can have real friends, if you set an intention to have them, and if you learn about how to relate to people in such a way as to make yourself less disposable.

I have also earned her $ 225, or that she does not want to talk to me for her problems or after all the good that I have done for me is a big loss in my life. I was an accomplice to her, I've always been there. I feel used, after everything I've done, I expected "sorry but I do not want to talk." It seems reasonable that wants to be alone, but I no longer have faith in people, I am seriously thinking that she has another relationship. Usually women are very calculating, until January 19, we talked (you're precious for me!) and it was her birthday I I gave her a bag and a watch. Then she started  don't answer the most and the answer on the mail: "Thank you again for your wonderful gifts. Sorry if I did not answer, I had no credit,,,, now I do not have time ... see you soon!".

Did you kiss her?  If not, she may not have realized this was more then a good friendship for you.  And good friends last when you have to duck out of social situations for a month or two to keep life rolling along.  Let her go until she has time for you.  If she never has time for you again so be it.  Move on.

RSS

Latest Activity

Michael J. K. replied to Todd Serveto's discussion Revolting, Macabre Details About Planned Parenthood's Gruesome Barbarism--Where Are The Excuses? in the group The Great Debate
"I think it starts before conception.  I believe love starts a child being born.  Maybe we should stop fighting.  There are many problems in this world.  Hate being the biggest one."
3 hours ago
Michael J. K. replied to Todd Serveto's discussion Revolting, Macabre Details About Planned Parenthood's Gruesome Barbarism--Where Are The Excuses? in the group The Great Debate
"For one Planned Parenthood is not an abortion clinic.  They talk to the women making sure they are doing what is best for them.  No one wants some one to have an abortion.  We all actually do respect life.  The problem is some…"
3 hours ago
Michael J. K. commented on Ian Wilson's group Out to Build Bridges
"hope all is well with everyone hugs to everyone here "
3 hours ago
Michael J. K. commented on Omar Cabaleiro's group Naturopathic Healing
"hugs everyone hope everyone is okay"
3 hours ago
Nick H replied to Todd Serveto's discussion Revolting, Macabre Details About Planned Parenthood's Gruesome Barbarism--Where Are The Excuses? in the group The Great Debate
"Technically speaking, it doesn't "latch on" but is born out from."
4 hours ago
Nick H replied to Todd Serveto's discussion Revolting, Macabre Details About Planned Parenthood's Gruesome Barbarism--Where Are The Excuses? in the group The Great Debate
"That is the dumbest link I've ever read. Basically a list of fluffy comments taken from the intro chapter of a few text books. And I say this as someone who has actually studied molecular biology and embryology and has read some of those books.…"
5 hours ago
Todd Serveto replied to Todd Serveto's discussion Revolting, Macabre Details About Planned Parenthood's Gruesome Barbarism--Where Are The Excuses? in the group The Great Debate
"Okay, Clint, think what you want to---I haven't flip-flopped on anything, haven't conflated anything, and haven't contradicted myself with a thing I have said or backed of my stand on anything---but if you are unable to read…"
7 hours ago
William P joined thehuhman's group
Thumbnail

North Carolina

NORTH CAROLINA..."The State of Man". Welcome to our AoM Group. It's open to all North Carolinians.See More
8 hours ago

© 2015   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service