Girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 2 months ago today. Long story short, she met someone else, said she had to be honest with her feelings for me, broke up with me. I know in the beginning she was hoping that her feelings for me would come back, but a after a week of no contact, she told me she thought she made the right decision. She tried to end it on good terms, told her I taught her everything she knows about relationships blah blah blah. I was polite to her at first, was still thinking things would change if I acted mature about it.
Well I was essentially replaced immediately, and a month later she was dating this other kid, I say kid because he is a year and half younger than her (I'm 21, she's 20, new guy is 19 at the most). I unfriended her, unfollowed her from all the social media stuff (didn't need to see her and her new boy).
Two weeks ago she sent me a text asking how I was doing, wishing me well on my final exams. I didn't answer, she was looking to pad the ego a little. A few days pass and the fool that I am got tempted and looked at her Vine account (those silly 6 second videos). She posted a few videos of her and a friend, and on her bed at home and she's got all the stuffed animals I got her, and these all have meaning, especially the one that says "Someone at X University Loves Me" I was really confused by this because I know she had put these away while she was still at school. I thought about texting her, but my friends said don't crack, if she wants you back, she will come to you, its not your job to read into stupid social media posts.
Now two days ago I get a really long text from her, in short:
"I know by not texting me back its because you dont want to talk, I dont want you to think that this has been easy for me, I hate that this had to happen, I dont want you to think i'm heartless, we will always mean something to each other no matter what, we can't act like the past 4 years didnt happen, I dont expect us to be friends, its really hard knowing nothing going on in your life, figured it was worth a try."
I don't answer and 3 hours later she texts me again "Please" I continue to ignore.
To me this is still about her, I feel that she is feeling guilty to some degree and needs to know that I don't hate her. I think she wants me to tell her that I'm ok personally, and that I'm ok with what she did. I still love her, and every time she contacts me all my feelings for her rush back. I'm not going to lie, I want her back.
Am I handling this the right way? Could I do something better?
Much appreciated Gents,
- J. Moore
I would say to keep doing what you are doing. Except for the looking her up online and looking at her videos, but you knew that was a moment of weakness. It can be tough but you will get over her. It is not a bad thing to want her back. After 3 years of dating you would have to be a heartless creature to be able to just get over her and never look back. Everything sounds perfectly normal to me so just stay strong and keep right on as you are already doing.
Remember if she didn't want to be with you then she is someone you don't want to be with.
I knew there was some reason I disabled texting on my phone.
I think you're doing great.
What do you think about her texting me, especially that long one, and then almost begging me to answer? Is she just looking for validation, looking for emotional support? My friends keep saying "She wants her cake and to eat it too, don't give her any satisfaction" I want to respond to her, I don't think she's heartless, but at the same time, she moved on so quickly, and seeing that just hurt me more. If she's so happy with her new boy, if she's over me, why is she texting me?
For over 3 years you have been there admiring her and now she doesn't have that any longer. Could be that she feels bad or it could be that she misses having you there wanting her. You may never know.
As for the texts. Don't reply. Easier said than done. I knew I shouldn't have called an ex about a year after she broke up with me but I did it any way. If you do get the urge and have to text her back just write "Not now" and leave it at that. You need time to get over her so now is not the time to be talking about how each other is feeling.
Seems she's less interested in you than she is in soothing her own conscience. You're doing fine. If she wants you back, she'll tell you. If not ... why bother?
Quit watching the videos, though.
Right, thats what I was thinking... I know the watching the videos was a bad idea, it just confused me, I thought it odd for her to keep that stuff around.
She knows the text i'll answer, and some "hope you're doing well" crap aint it. I don't see a point in answering her otherwise. She feels guilty, she hurt me, its natural.
One of my (female) friends did what this gal's doing: tried to reconnect in a friendly way to a guy she dumped. He wasn't having any. Everyone told her: honey, you broke up with him. He doesn't want to be friends. He wants to recover. Let him.
You're not alone. They do that. Stay strong, maybe try to set your phone ignore her calls. But like others say, they she wants it both ways, and will try to guilt you into it. Yeah she was an important chapter in the book of Jay, but that chapter is over and done with.
This is a Mars/Venus problem. She wants to "help you" by talking about your feelings. You want to fix the problem. . . your feelings. Her talking with you about your feelings helps her. . . but tortures you and doesn't fix getting back together. Men try to figure out how to fix their problems. Women usually prioritize examining their feelings about problem(s) and, then decide, if they decide to do so, which one to deal with, if any, first. Although the guy that wrote the book calls them love letters. . . he does have a hate letter section. Basically write her a letter. . . make it awful if that's what it takes. . . then burn it. Apparently this helps with those emotion thingys. . . I really DON'T understand.
Any rate. . . this isn't a problem you can fix. . . so talking about how you feel (you feel. . . um, gross), how the venetians do it is the only way to go.
I have no idea what you're saying here.
Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
It's a book that was incredibly popular during the '90s.
Basically women deal with emotions. . . that's why she wants to talk to you. Talking to you about how you feel about the situation is how she knows how to 'help'.
Men have a problem and they want to find a solution to 'fix' that problem. How the problem makes us (men or males) feel is usually secondary at best and sometimes not something we even consider deeper than 'I don't like situation X'. The only time we deal with emotions is when that is all there is left, like the loss of a loved one. In that situation are feelings for that loss are all that remain and we as a sex and individually have ways (some healthier than others) to process those feelings.
I should have said that the problem you want to fix is the break-up. Which as others have said, there isn't much you really can do to get what you want which is:
Get Back Together.
As she sees it, the problem with the break-up is how she feels about it first and second how you feel about it. For her to 'fix' how she feels is to explore those feelings and experience them. It may also help her to have you explore those emotions with her but, it will not help you. To 'fix' the second problem for her is to 'help' you explore your feelings about the break. That will do nothing to actually help you.
The confusion arises between men and women in this type of situation as seeing two very different problems. Emotions and actions.
You think that talking to her will help (you and her) to fix the problem of getting back together. She thinks that talking to you will help (you and her) deal with the feelings of the break. You are not trying to talk to her to deal with emotions and she is not talking to you to try and get back together.
By her talking to you, you think she cares about you (which she does but, only that you process your emotions or share them with her) and cannot understand the point of talking if not talking about getting back together (the problem as you see it). To her talking to you is a way to process feelings and she can't understand why you want to talk about getting back together instead of how you or she feels (the feelings being the problem as she sees it).
I hope that explains (kind of) where she is at, re-read that text about "hasn't been easy, hate this had to happen, we'll always mean something, it's hard not knowing" all problems of feelings not about getting back together.
The love letters thing is also from that book. It is to help you deal with your emotions. Like I said, you have those? Eww, gross (I'm trying to make you laugh because if I can laugh things usually aren't that bad). The technique is to write a letter, like an actual letter to her (the person). It should contain 5 sections individually dealing with anger, sadness, fear, regret and then love. Yours may go something like:
I'm angry you broke up with me. . .
I'm frustrated that you won't explain why. . . (she can't)
I'm sad that you won't tell me how to do better. . . (she can't like above it something subconscious)
I fear that I lost. . .
I regret that we can't work. . .
You can figure out the last one. The important thing is to go into as much detail as possible, it is a brain-dump. It maybe light or as Samuel L. Jackson would say, You may be a mushroom cloud laying mother-fucker. Then you have two options, send it or burn it. I suggest burning it. You can also do all of that in your head but it is key not to censor yourself.
As far as working it out I have no advice. . . unless she shows up wearing shoes and an overcoat with nothing else, it's not happening (Even then it may not but, her bringing beer and pizza or ribs is an all-in play). The best I can do is sum up the pro's and con's of a romantic relationship this way:
"What sucks about being single is, when you want to do something, there is no one to go with you. What sucks about relationships is, when you don't want to go do something, there is someone to go with you."