Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ryan L on August 27, 2009 at 12:18pm

I like all the helpful suggestions everyone has shared. I think that I will incorporate them into how I deal with my handling of my own temper. Thank you all very much.

I reflected on what it is that I do when I recognize that I need to do something. I seem to either take the dog for a walk, and mutter to myself as I am out with him, or I do the 'ol "count to three" thing. Then I focus on my TONE, so as not to sound quip or sarcastic. I also think of the EMOTIONAL IMPACT of the words that I choose. I try to remove the ones that are hurtful or absolutes.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Russel G. on August 27, 2009 at 2:37pm

Jamie, you've come across an issue that every man has to face up to at some point in his life: how do I deal with myself in situations where I may lose my temper? Notice how I focus on me, and not the other person who I am directing my anger at? Because in the end, you can only change your behavior when you feel anger; you can't change how others choose to behave. But if you can get out of the pattern, you might be able to better communicate with others and influence how they relate to you. Now, let me first say that I am not perfect. What I advocate is my ideal, but I fall short on occasion, myself.

I went through a transformation about 6 years ago in which I learned that hasty words and actions cause hurt, and that simply clamming up could lead to resentment down the road. Now, when my wife and I are in a heated discussion and I recognize when my temper is rising, I will let her know that I need a break or that I will think of a non-hurtful response, but that I cannot talk to her at that moment. At first, she hard a hard time accepting that, but she has since realized how much richer our communication is when she gives me time to come up with a non-emotional response.

It's been mentioned before how anger toward others often stems from our disappointment in their not meeting our expectations. As an introvert myself, I can relate with how you might analyze how you or other people "should" behave, and when they don't, you feel let down. In many cases, these expectations are very inflexible and lead to distress when they aren't met. The best thing you can do is take some time, in the moment you feel your temper rising if you have that luxury or remove yourself if necessary, and examine your "shoulds". In your examination, see if you can come up with more flexible beliefs that give other people credit for their decisions but allow you to be comfortable letting go. Overcoming this "tyranny of the shoulds" can be difficult, but it can enlarge your perspective toward others. Brett's idea of performing service for them is a great idea to help with this..

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jeremy Gross on August 27, 2009 at 2:55pm

I used to be a know-it-all, and it annoyed the people around me. My mother gave me a piece of advice: what if you chose not to blurt out the answer when you think there's a question? What if you knew the answer but kept silent about it. For every five facts you come up with in a conversation, say at most one of them.

The training that gave me also works for verbal temper. For every five angry things you want to say, choose the mildest. It's awful, but seeing the pain in the eyes of the person that you've hurt teaches you to tread more gently around them.

When I was younger, I used to hang out with Quakers, and go to Young Friends meetings. The Quakers have a principle of speaking plainly. To them, that not only means to tell the truth, but to omit unnecessary adjectives, flourishes and other verbal adornments, and to understate everything. For example: we were sitting on a committee to choose a group of representatives to be on another committee (yes, Quakers do everything by consensus, so there are a lot of committees in their decision-making process), and someone nominated a person that another person thought was a colossal idiot. To voice his utter contempt for this choice, he said, "That is a name that would not have occurred to me."

Training yourself to understate things this way is marvelous. Once it becomes instinctive, you can go off on someone, and what comes out of your mouth is pretty innocuous.

If you find that anger is damaging your life, I would recommend taking a martial art as a long-term solution. Aikido has made me a much gentler person, but not overnight.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Russel G. on August 27, 2009 at 5:44pm

I like this.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Caleb DeArmas on August 30, 2009 at 6:18am

I've always been a mild-mannered person, my mom called me the peacemaker of the family because I would always stop the fights between my brothers.

Until I came home from Iraq.

All of a sudden I had a temper with a fuse that must have been faulty. I would start cussing at pedestrians crossing the street, punch - not honk - the horn when cars were moving slow and at my lowest, climbed out the passenger window of my car to fight someone at a redlight...because the guy looked at my wife. I mention those just so you can realize how out of control my temper was. Thank the Lord my wife was patient with me, she knew it was because of the experiences of the last year and was willing to help me conquer the beast.

To control it I did 2 things. The first was a major switch for me, but I got rid of all the music I owned. I only put relaxing and uplifting music on my iPod. The other was more of a process, it's a process I used in Iraq when we came into contact that helped me keep my head straight and I modified it to help me get over my anger. Every time someone pissed me off I would concentrate on breathing. I would take slow calm breaths and focus on them, making sure to keep my blood pressure low and my body steady. Then, if she was around, I would tell my wife I loved her. This simple act usually flipped everything on it's head and got me over my anger. IF for whatever reason it didn't completely diffuse the situation it made took enough time up for me to remove myself from the situation at which point my wife would start asking me questions about stupid things, like why did I get a tattoo of sweet tea or whatever happened in high school when I decided to pull a practical joke on my senior class.

Get someone to help you fight it and it is alot easier. It's similar to the Army's style of training, you always need a battle buddy 'cause you never know when you'll need backup.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jamie Q on August 30, 2009 at 9:31am

Thanks, Caleb. Great advice, especially about telling my wife, "I love you," when I'm losing it. Completely reverse the tone of the moment.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by asa c mcguire on August 30, 2009 at 11:16am

Whew first I must say good luck jamie. My temper like most here has been a recurring problem through out my life. I try to limit my stress first off. Guess what! Life happens. There went my limiting my stress :-) . But we must move on. I try to re direct my anger, meaning yes it is there and I know what it is but I do some thing else. Mow grass, make some thing, or tey to divert my attention on some thing else. Then when I do eventualy calm down then I try to address the problem. It works sometimes. So we just keep trying. But to answer you original question any hard physical activity helps the best that I have found

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Csaba Fabian on July 17, 2012 at 2:43pm

Sorry for bringing up this topic, but I have exactly the same problem. It ruined my last relationship with a wonderful woman who I still love by all my heart. Had I started working on the issue earlier, we might be still together. Anyway, there are great posts here, some of them offer very good solutions.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Fred Manning on July 17, 2012 at 3:42pm

I am really glad you brought this thread back.  I am new here and I would have never seen this topic had you not done so.  While I'm not sure if they did anything for the OP, Dave Kerwin's responses to him have flipped a switch in my head.  Without too much detail there was a LOT of upheaval in my life when I was a kid and so control is a big thing for me as a defense mechanism.  Thanks for bring this back and I hope that you find the answer you need.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliabe Vidal on July 18, 2012 at 6:24am

It's unhealthy to bottle up your anger (bottled-up anger may cause depression). Anger is natural. You'll always feel it, even if you supress it, and we men are naturally more aggressive; you can't turn off your anger but you feel uncomfortable with the way you express your anger and you want to change it. It's possible but it will take time, so don't beat yourself up.

I had a teacher who taught us a technique to control anger. When he felt it coming, he would count to 10 mentally and take a deep breath. It doesn't stop the anger but it helps you control it and act rationally.

Hope that helps.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Csaba Fabian on July 18, 2012 at 7:50am

Well, it's a bit different story. People get angry from time to time - it's absolutely a normal thing. However guys like the OP or me have something that's abnormal. These outbursts of anger are extremely destructive and you need all the self-control you have to calm down before you do something irreversibly wrong. My last girlfriend broke up with me, because of these outbursts. The relationship lasted for 8 months and there were around 4-5 bigger outbursts. It may sound a bit cheesy, but it's the most effective way to destroy any kind of love the people feel toward you. Of course, you always realize that you were a douchebag approx. 15 minutes after you had become a living volcano. You apologize and shit, but it doesn't make things undone. I try as hard as I can to get rid of this part of my personality (which I undoubtedly inherited from my father), and be a better man who has full control over himself.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliabe Vidal on July 18, 2012 at 8:26am

I see now. The funny thing is (if I can call that funny), my father is exactly like that. After sometimes even if he raised his voice (not necessarily in an outburst of anger), I would literally shiver out of nervousness. There are things we don't say to him, afraid it might cause one of those outbursts.

Honestly, I don't know what to say in this case. Sorry. But I do believe there must be some way to express it differently.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• Next ›
• Page