Controlling Outbursts of Temper...How Do You Do It?
I started a discussion over in the Christian Men's group about "Ridding Oneself of Foul Language," but as we were discussing it, it became more apparent to me that the issue isn't the words I use, but the feeling that I need to use them in the first place.
I've always had a pretty quick temper. I'm thankful that, in my 26 years of life, I've never expressed it by physically punching holes in walls or striking others. However, I have funneled that temper into a sharp, sarcastic tongue, raised voice, and swearing. Additionally, I'm a pretty big guy (6'2", over 200 lbs), so a raised voice and flushed face are more than enough to scare my petite little wife into thinking that I just possibly could lose control physically. For me, inspiring that kind of fear in my wife is absolutely intolerable; no real man should make his loved ones feel unsafe.
Now, I reiterate: I have never and would never strike my wife (or anyone, for that matter); I don't threaten her verbally or even silently with body language. Please don't mistake this as an early warning sign of domestic violence. My wife has been in such a relationship before (dating in college), so she's especially sensitive to even raised voices in conflicts.
What I'm looking for here is advice as to how I can control my temper. I'm not looking for answers like "Get a punching bag," because I feel that would just teach me to channel my temper into physical violence; what happens when I get mad and don't have a punching bag around? No, what I want is a way to diffuse the anger before it gets to the point of needing an outlet.
Currently, when my temper hits, I can literally feel my blood pressure rising. Usually it's when something feels completely out of my control: another person's undesired reaction to something, an unexpected financial crisis, a 4-year-old that won't stop whining for something EVEN AFTER SHE'S BEEN TOLD A THOUSAND TIMES, "NO." At those points, I just feel a need to do SOMETHING to alleviate the tension building up in my body; that "something" tends to be angry posturing, angrily speaking in sharp tones, usually using swear words (at the very least, a "fricking" or two). Two seconds later, I always feel like an immature idiot for having lost my cool.
I want to be a rock for my wife and kids, not an immature kid, emotionally tossed back and forth by circumstances. So...how do you guys do it? How do you keep "the moment" from overwhelming your good sense?
I've always had a pretty quick temper. I'm thankful that, in my 26 years of life, I've never expressed it by physically punching holes in walls or striking others. However, I have funneled that temper into a sharp, sarcastic tongue, raised voice, and swearing. Additionally, I'm a pretty big guy (6'2", over 200 lbs), so a raised voice and flushed face are more than enough to scare my petite little wife into thinking that I just possibly could lose control physically. For me, inspiring that kind of fear in my wife is absolutely intolerable; no real man should make his loved ones feel unsafe.
Now, I reiterate: I have never and would never strike my wife (or anyone, for that matter); I don't threaten her verbally or even silently with body language. Please don't mistake this as an early warning sign of domestic violence. My wife has been in such a relationship before (dating in college), so she's especially sensitive to even raised voices in conflicts.
What I'm looking for here is advice as to how I can control my temper. I'm not looking for answers like "Get a punching bag," because I feel that would just teach me to channel my temper into physical violence; what happens when I get mad and don't have a punching bag around? No, what I want is a way to diffuse the anger before it gets to the point of needing an outlet.
Currently, when my temper hits, I can literally feel my blood pressure rising. Usually it's when something feels completely out of my control: another person's undesired reaction to something, an unexpected financial crisis, a 4-year-old that won't stop whining for something EVEN AFTER SHE'S BEEN TOLD A THOUSAND TIMES, "NO." At those points, I just feel a need to do SOMETHING to alleviate the tension building up in my body; that "something" tends to be angry posturing, angrily speaking in sharp tones, usually using swear words (at the very least, a "fricking" or two). Two seconds later, I always feel like an immature idiot for having lost my cool.
I want to be a rock for my wife and kids, not an immature kid, emotionally tossed back and forth by circumstances. So...how do you guys do it? How do you keep "the moment" from overwhelming your good sense?
Tags: family, self-control, swearing, temper
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Leif on -
Here's my $.02
It's easy to say and yet hard to do more often than not, but I walk away. I've broken a lot of stuff over the years (including two $100+ calculators in one month). And I eat and eat and eat and you get the picture. I don't recommend eating as a way of staying in control. Losing my temper has always been one of my fears. I can easily see myself going for someone's throat and I don't like it. I've had one big "outburst" and it wasn't fun. So walk away when you recognize the situation. Go take a walk around the block. I;d say go to the gym, but for me getting in a car when I'm in a foul mood isn't good either. If it really concerns you, maybe talk to an a someone about it.
I don't think losing one temper is immature. I think if we don't acknowledge it and let it control us after we've cool is where the long term trouble comes. But this is just my opinion. I hope this helps
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Permalink Reply by Leif on
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One thing I forgot to mention is that I actually write in a journal on my computer what happened to set me off and what I was feeling. My idea here is to see if I can find a pattern or something. Stupid I know, but hey it's something to help me.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on -
Not stupid at all. Whatever helps...
I'm pretty sure the only pattern I'd see is one of circumstances beyond my control. Like I was saying to Dave, it feels like my brain is just missing a gear because it doesn't have a preset plan for handling the given situation. Maybe I'm just translating into programming terms because that's what I know, but there you have it.
I guess I just need to write a better exception handler. :)
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Permalink Reply by Leif on
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No worries about the explaining. And I understand the coder part in ya. I deal with programmers all day long. I'm the support guy ;-). I think pretty much a lot of us can relate.The fact that you've made this post shows that you do have more control than you think.
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Permalink Reply by Dave Kerwin on -
where does your temper stem from?
How long back have you struggled with a bad temper?
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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Like I said, I tend to get irked when things occur that are beyond my immediate ability to control. It's like my brain misses a gear when it doesn't have a predetermined plan for dealing with the situation.
I've dealt with this my entire life, as far as I can remember. I know my mom has a quick temper, so if it's a learned or inherited trait, I probably learned it there. Then again, my dad has the coolest head I've ever encountered, so it doesn't seem fair that I didn't inherit that. :)
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Permalink Reply by Dave Kerwin on
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Let me provide some perspective here. Everyone learns to deal with the pain of life, and we all do it in different ways. Jaime, the reason you get angry like that is because it exposes a flaw in you that you don't like to be uncovered. When you can't control your world, you risk being hurt. So when things go against the grain in your life, you are not in control, and when you are not in control, you could get hurt. So you get upset as a last ditch effort to avoid the pain that is associated with uncertainty.
This is not an issue of inheritance, this is an issue of your heart, and what you need to do is begin the process of understanding your pain, and putting your fragile heart in the hands of your savior. To trust Jesus with your pain and your life involves some deep stuff, and he is trustworthy to protect you, instead of you taking matters into your own hands. Bless you brother.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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I wish it was that noble, Dave, but I think it's more that when I can't control my world, I risk being inconvenienced, and God forbid that should happen. I'm not so much afraid of being hurt as I am afraid of being put out, which is selfish to the core.
But I agree that it's something that needs to be given God. He's got to work through me to make me into a more outgoing person who's more conscious of other people's needs.
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Permalink Reply by Dave Kerwin on
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Being hurt is a phrase that can mean different things. The outburst is more about HOW you have learned to DEAL with trouble and pain, and less about the pain itself. Not to knock anyone else's suggestion, but you gotta put the ax at the root here, and it won't be done by telling yourself you are patient or by taking deep breaths. Sure, those will help, but that is like pulling a weed but it breaking at ground level, the root is still in the ground. Fundamentally, we, because we are sinners, have found ways to live without having our creator in the mix, and your battle is sinful, just as mine is. It requires repentance and healing, which will be a life long battle for us all who trust Christ, we will not be fully like Him until we see Him, but we are in process until that Glorious day. So my encouragement to you is to ask God to go into those deep waters of your heart, to know it, to know you, and to SHOW you what is in there, and after going there for long enough, be concerned with some of the practical stuff. The practical stuff at this time is cart in front of horse for you.
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Permalink Reply by Thad on -
Here are a few things that I have learned from having to learn to control my own temper ...
Removing yourself from the situation is the best bet ... whether this means that you ask your wife for space or you physically leave the area, getting away and having time to think is probably the best thing that you can do. From your question, you seem to know when you are getting to the point of complete frustration and all that you need to do is to learn to walk away.
I am not saying to ignore the situation, instead to put some distance between yourself and the immediate cause. You can always return to the problem once you have calmed down and can deal with it then in a better frame of mind.
Finally, do you have an activity that you use to let off steam? I am not talking about hitting a bag ... but something that takes your mind off of your problems. For instance, I take the dog for a walk to calm down and think. For others, it may be gardening, woodworking, or cooking ... something that when you do it, you automatically feel better.
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Permalink Reply by Brett McKay on -
Hey Jamie-
I think we've all at one time or another have had problems with controlling our temper. Last year we ran a series highlighting Ben Franklin's 13 virtues, and Tranquility was one of them. You might find some of the info there helpful: http://artofmanliness.com/2008/05/11/the-virtuous-life-tranquility/
Another thing that I've done and has worked for me is meditate on a the mantra "I am filled with patience and love." I'll do it in the morning. I Close my eyes and just repeat it to myself over and over. Maybe you can do it in the car. I'm not a psychologist, but I've read self-talk like that can help change your usual thought patterns. I've noticed the amount of times my temper flaring up has decreased, but those times I can feel it coming on, I just repeat in my mind my little mantra, and I start to chill out. Yeah, it's a little new agey, but hey, it worked for me.
And on a final note, like most things in life, getting control of your temper will take time. You might make some progress on it one day, and then have a little blow up the next. As long as you're progressing, that's all that matters.
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Permalink Reply by Jamie on
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Brett: I just told my wife about your mantra idea, then my kids started fighting with each other over my son touching my daughter's Barbie. I turned to them and loudly proclaimed, "I AM FILLED WITH PATIENCE AND LOVE!!"
Would you believe it? It actually worked! Everyone just grinned at me like I was an idiot, and my stress level went down. :)
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