Okay, first off, no abuse please. I find men are quite touchy about when a man complains about this, under the impression that the said man is 'ungrateful', or 'has something wrong with him'. So please, if what I say makes you feel like responding in that kind of fashion, then just don't reply. 

Alright so I've been with my girlfriend for around three years now, and have been having sex for the majority of those three years. It's not that I'm not attracted to her, or I'm repulsed by her. Because when we're together physically I initiate most (if not all) hugs, massages, and general 'couple's touching'. I also touch her in a sexual way, and initiate most sexual activities; such as games, showering together, etc. The issue is when it actually comes down to sex, or when I can tell she wants to have sex, I can't be bothered to do so. 

I think it may stem from previous times we have had sex, that have not gone so well for me. There have been times when she has been too worn out to continue after she has reached orgasm, or I didn't want to continue as she was in pain. Also, when she initiates sex it doesn't turn me on, she just kisses me in a suggestive way and strokes my penis. There were also times when I would get bored during sex, and imagine other things in order to climax quicker.

I've come up with a solution, which is to initiate sex myself whilst putting extra work in to let her know how attractive and sexy I find her. For anyone who has gone through this, do you think this is the right way to go about it? Do you think it's my fault? Her fault? something I should talk to her about? Or something I should actively solve without telling her this? Any constructive help is very welcome.

Tags: girlfriend, libido, sex

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Marcus, I don't know what to tell you, except for this.  The two of you need to communicate about it.  And not during the course of making out.  If something's not working for you, then you need to tell her.  Be honest.  If you keep it to yourself, the situation will only get more frustrating for both of you.

Good luck, man.

I agree with Alan. Too many people will have sex with people they don't feel comfortable enough with to talk about sex. Talk to her about it.

I agree with Allen.

My take is as follows.

Congratulations on being with her for three years.  Your hormones are probably changing to more of a married state.  You need to talk to her about what is going on.  Be clear that this is not that you don't love her just that things are transitioning.  

As to what the problems may stem from.  Remember that you grew up in a generation that did not get allot of loving examples of men but plenty of men bagging girls.  IE sex for scoring not sex for mutual pleasure and partnership reassurance.  Talk to her about your feelings and concerns.  Don't say it is her fault for exhaustion or pain.  Don't fault her for anything.  Just talk about what you are feeling about.

Maybe your testosterone level is low, so your sex-drive is suppressed.  Go to a doctor and get checked.  If its low ... raise it, and your drive will return.

Maybe you've got a sex-related psychological hangup keeping you from enjoying yourself.  You said you'd had bad experiences.  Are you dwelling on them?  Do you resent her for some reason?

Maybe she needs to work on her technique ... or y'all have just fallen into a rut.  Talk to her about it.  Tell her what gets your motor running, and she might do it.  Lingerie.  Stripping.  Oral.  Couples-targeted Adult Movies.  Shake things up.  Get out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, or car, or whatever.  If you need more romance to get in the mood, tell her that.  If you need to be seduced ... tell her.  Certainly there's something out there that revvs your engine.  Buy her a goddamn Princess Leia gold bikini if you've gotta.

Maybe you're not as into her as you thought.

Maybe you're gay.  Heh.  Just threw that one in there because of your "no abuse" preamble.  Rest of my answer was too non-abusive for my tastes.


I have to agree with Jack and Alan on this. Talk to her, find out where the problem lies, then take steps to correct it. You won't get any abuse from me. I've had a similiar situation happen many a time, mainly because my girl gets in "the mood" late at night, when i just want to sleep. But seriously, communication is THE most important aspect of any relationship, sexual or not. Oh, and may i add... WHAAAAAAT?! Sorry. First reaction on seeing the title. I said no abuse. I lied.

Umm, sounds to me like you're not dating her, you're married to her. Lol, trust me man, we all get there eventually. Depending on her, and the timing you bring it up, as others have said, talking things through, changing things up, etc. can  go a good ways to helping remedy the situation.

No abuse from me; totally empathize with your situation. 

Sometimes many physical things that are supposed to be pleasurable just annoy the hell of out me; eating and sex included. It's usually a sign some I'm stressed/freaked out about something, usually repressed.

Time to examine the big picture of what's going on in life and see what needs to be changed.

As said here already, talk is always a good thing, I would start with that.

This.... Even as a young guy i've had some periods of low libido, even to the point of not wanting to have sex at all. For me the reason was pure stress..... Stress about other things, or stress about the relationship itself. Please don't disregard the stress-factor and just move on to 'spicing things up'. Talk about it, make sure you know what your situation is.....

Talk to her about what's going on or you will both just be frustrated.  In my own experience, stress at work, lack of sleep (Why am up right now? This is the last thread I am commenting on...), and lack of working out regularly usually work against my drive.  You might try changing things up a little- like getting freakin' crazy in a cheap hotel room, car, on the beach at night...  Amazing what getting out of the bedroom can do.

I agree with most of the things said. The macho man talk you have heard most of your life has led to you thinking there is something wrong.. which might be the case or it could be something normal such as when the new wears off passion is not self fueled anymore, you have to create it as a couple.

EVERYONE has bad sex sometimes and in a long term relationship it can snowball to the point of not even wanting to try.. this I am sad to say will be a rut in which will repeat itself from time to time.. Once you get to around the time together you guys are currently at things will start being much more difficult, persistence and dedication not only sexually but in every other aspect of the relationship is to me where love is defined.

Just don't Psych yourself out and contribute to the decline, think of a solution.. not the problem. As far as her coming on to you in a way that doesn't do it for you, you really have to muster up to the awkwardness it may cause and communicate how she could improve. Communication doesn't just have to be verbal, gently move her hands or whatever to where it might serve to spark you a little and maybe she will pick up on it after a time or two. Sometimes when you are just not in the mood nothing will work.

A side note.. wait until you have a toddler around. They will wake up every morning, rub their little hands together and say "What does daddy love that I can destroy today!?"

At that point sir, you get to where you had rather eat then have sex.. and I mean chips or something. :)

Best of luck man, and stick with it.. if you two love each other, truly love each other this will become an understanding of a relationship and not become a permanent problem.

Lack of drive could be a result of diet.  Less meat, more veggies and fruit, and you might see a difference. 

Also, if you look at porn, stop.  I don't think I had an addiction, but I gave up looking at porn at my wife's suggestion and in a short amount of time, my interest in sex with her skyrocketed.  I think looking at lots of images of "perfect" women desensitizes you to the real thing.  Its been about 4 years since I gave it up and we went from once a month sex to about 3 times per week. 

Claude on what basis does eating less meat raise your libido? That isn't something I have heard before. Definitely agree about cutting out porn. 


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