Hi, I started a correspondence with a girl a year ago. She writes me because she likes one of my  article on FB. Then begins an intense exchange of email. We spoken every day also to the phone. After a year, we have decided to let us know because we live 600 miles away. We organized to go to the cinema, to be together to know each other. But shortly after arriving she says: "I have prayed to God to let me know right away if it is a serious matter and I don’t feel anything for you. I don’t feel butterflies in my stomach. I think you're a good friend, a great person but I wanted to feel immediately a strong emotion". Are so important butterflies in the stomach? I'm overwhelmed because I had feelings for her and now I have also lost as a friend because it is difficult to resume a relationship. I hope you can help me I feel depressed.

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First of all, you have no broken relationship because there was no relationship. All you did was wait a year to find out that you and some girl were not compatible. Its not the end of the world.

You put a lot of yourself into this date and are now picking over the pieces. There are no great answers to be found. This girl wants some unknown thing from a partner and didn't see it in you. This is no negative reflection on you as a man or on what you have to offer. The lesson I would take from this is not some weird lesson about the sympathetic nervous system draining blood from you digestive system when you are nervous as a tool to find "the one" but instead to not pin so many hopes (a year's commitment in your case) on one date.

No one likes to be turned down. But it happens to all of us and there is no shame in feeling a but down about it. My advice is to focus your attention elsewhere. Hobby, sports, exersice. Something that with engage your mind while being constructive. Sitting at home, pondering over what could have been or what you might have done different is not useful. You did nothing wrong so don't dwell on it.

In future, maybe don't wait so long before a first date and maybe find a girl closer to home.

Thanks for the valuable advice.
Yes it's true, I mean a broken relationship as friendship. There was a lot of complicity, for every problem, for everything she was talking to me. Now I miss her.

I was very impressed by this part:

This girl wants some unknown thing from a partner and didn't see it in you. This is no negative reflection on you as a man or on what you have to offer.

I do not know if it was my fault, or if there is something wrong as a man. Or if perhaps another time would have been different because the last time I neglected the training I do swimming, but now I am very lean or simply is a matter of chemistry? I do not know if it depends on my appearance, she said: "You are very cute, but as soon as I saw you I haven't felt that feeling."

I want to be a gentleman with her, too, it is correct that I delete from Facebook or to continue to write as if nothing had happened? I know that this may be trivial. I would like to delete my profile

"Attraction is not a choice."  And if you didn't have feelings for her, her lack of butterflies would be a relief.

I wish I could say more for you.  But sadness is such an appropriate response to this disappointment, I think all you can do is live through it. 

I don't know whether you should maintain a friendship.  It sounds like you don't want to, and nobody's obligated to friendship.  I would lean to no, from the principle "Stop hanging out with women and start dating them."  But I was hanging out with this cutie named Marisa and eventually it led to dating.  So... probably best to make no firm decisions, nothing drastic (like deleting the FB account), until you have a better sense what to do.


Thanks Will, I spent three days in the hotel room this is really strong on an emotional level. I have been locked in that room after we had done a thousand projects (cinema, shopping, restaurant). Surely she's been honest from the beginning but I am still confused. Before arriving we had to spend 3 wonderful days to get to know better and then Bang! "I do not want to, I do not feel anything for you.". And before I got her city she said: "I'm afraid not please you ...". What struck me most and that gave me a second chance, but she trusted that feeling immediately. I expected that I would know, women are all to understand or maybe she has never felt this strong interest for me

I think women operate on a far more emotional level than men...if they aren't attracted to you within the first few minutes of meeting you, they probably never will be.

Most men here will have been rejected more than once, it's not a nice feeling, but you just have to let it go and move on...plenty more fish in the sea. :)

Written relationships are difficult because you project your feelings into words and then the in-person relationship can and often is different because you see and observe things different from what you thought was there. It's not bad, it's just different.

Then again, her saying upon arrival "I don't feel anything for you" could mean a lot of things -- she expected different manners, she was scared, she watched "The Princess Diaries" too many times (the thing where Mia wants the kiss to be so great she lifts her leg or whatever that was about).

Learn from this. In-person friendships are more real because you see the whole person, not one side of him or her. It's not a bad thing, but I do feel for you. But it'll be OK. FInd other ways to enjoy where you are now (sightsee, window shop, find an event or festival to attend) and make the most of your time.


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