I know this question probably gets asked alot but I can't seem to find a post similar to mine so hoping you guys can help.
I an 28 and my gf is 26. We met at work and have been dating for 2 years. We are generally happy, I still love her, trust her and find her attractive.
I've known she wanted to get married for awhile now and there has been a few things which annoy me about her for example she works too many hours and I
feel like she puts work ahead of our time. She is also a big spender and we don't enjoy the same type of food (important to me lol)
Rcently she has really started putting the pressure on me in relation to moving in or proposing. I've managed to talk my way out of it but saying it will come when it comes and truthfully sometimes
I can see myself marrying her but sometimes I can't. We are planning a trip to Europe together however some comments here and there have triggered my unhappiness again. e.g Trip is 3 weeks but she became very annoyed the fact that it is
3 weeks and
I have told her the issues I have with the relationship and she has been trying to work on them and has definately improved, But I still don't think I can accept it at the current stage she is in and I feel like
I won't be able to commit to marriage until this has been resolved.
The main reason why I have been in this relationship for this long is hoping that she would change however I think it is getting to the point where I have to make the decision whether I can live with it, and I don't think I can settle.
Background: My previous gf of 5 years (before the current one) was great however it got to the point where it got to the point where basically it was lets get married or break up and I chose the break up option. I had been struggling with the issue
for some time. It was hard but in the end it was definately the right decision.
I don't want to hurt her but am I hurting her/me more by staying in this? Am I wasting both our time?
It sounds like you *may* have commitment issues to an extent. Clearly you have no problem committing to a long term "dating" relationship, however for some reason it sounds like you can't bite the bullet and say "this is what I want for the rest of my life".
Not that it's a bad thing, because maybe its just the fact that you want what you want and if she's not it, then you are staying in the "dating" stage in order to give yourself an easy out if something better comes along.
The thing with marriage is that you are never going to find that "one girl" who does EVERYTHING perfectly or is the cookie cutter picture of what you imagined, you wont find it.
Humans are flawed. We go against our better judgement, we lie, we mess up, we fail. Every single day. If food is on your priority list, you need some better priorities. Girls are taught from day one to get married and have babies. We as men, are taught to simply be guys. Whatever that means.
Either way. IF you think you could marry her, and IF she loves you equally, then I would say heavily consider getting engaged. Of course, I'm not suggesting doing it just to shut her up. That will fail 10 times out of 10. And trust me, after you get engaged, all she will talk about is the wedding. The flowers, cakes, dresses, music, reception, dinner, and so on....
So fair warning. Dating is fun, engagement will test you and, Marriage is a lifetime.
You can't change a person. It's impossible. Changing someone requires telling them in some way shape or form that the way they were raised, what they know, and how they behave is WRONG. Put yourself in that position. If she was the one trying to make you change how you do things, you would try at first, but eventually your old habits tend to win out more likely than not.
If it's a healthy relationship, don't end it because you like Mexican and she likes Burgers. And don't end it because she loves you enough to want to marry you.
However, if you think there is something else out there that will be more of what you want in a woman, then you may want to end things.
There is no Yes/No or Black & White clear cut answer here. But I know that when I proposed, I knew without a doubt that she was the woman I wanted to have a life with. If you don't feel that, or anything close to that, you may be spinning your wheels in the relationship.
your doing more damage than good,
your only prolonging the inevitable, better to get out now than to decide to stay with her and hurt her more in the long run.. and if for some reason you did go against your better judgement and get married a divorce is way worse than a break up, and you dont want to the possibility of dragging kids in to the mix
Just end it, as has been said you already made up your mind you just want us to confirm your decision so you know you're making "the right one".
Look break ups always hurt 1 or both people that is unavoidable.
But look at your reasons, she works, spends too much of HER money, and eats different foods. if that superficial stuff is causing you to think "hmm maybe I should bail." then leave already.
Everything you said was about how SHE affects YOU...what she does that annoys you, hoping SHE will change--nothing about whether YOU right for HER, what you are doing to meet HER needs or even to meet her on her terms. That's telling, James---it's like this whole thing is all about you, you getting what you want, you not being annoyed, and having everything your way--AND on your time schedule. The fact that someone stayed the course with you for FIVE YEARS--in a relationship that you simply walked away from--also speaks volumes.
James, I can't help you answer the question of whether or not to stay in a relationship with someone, but I can give you a few points to think about to help you make that decision. There is never--EVER--going to be some perfect girl out there who doesn't have any habits that bother you, who likes the same things you like, and who meets all of your preferences---AND who, on top of everything else, is willing to invest years of her life into a relationship in which you might one day decide to propose--if. Marriage is the joining of two lives--not the subsuming of one by another. It fascinates me to think that she is hard working and dedicated to her job, and you're complaining about it--that she's investing that time in her career rather than in you.
You need to be asking yourself these questions: 1st--is this a person you can devote yourself to, dedicate to the happiness of, and selflessly take care of (emotionally as well as financially) for the rest of your life? 2nd--is this someone you will be proud to have as the mother of your future children? 3rd--does she demonstrate values, morals, and character to show you you can trust her heart and her integrity, even when nobody else is looking? Hmmmm...she's hard working and dedicated to her job--while balance is important, that sure looks like a point in her favor. She's got TWO YEARS of her life invested in you, Bud, and she's just now pushing the envelope on this---let's see: patient...probably to a fault, dedicated over-the-long-haul...there's another point in her favor. I'd think twice before I let her go, James--and I'd start thinking in terms of what can I PERSONALLY be doing/changing/improving to make MYSELF the kind of husband SHE deserves.
sounds like both of you are not ready. Find someone else.