AoM appears to me as a site commemorating "lost art of manliness" which presentation in my opinion is kind of biased, due to antiquity of traditions and habits oftenly brought to light in most of the articles written here. Don't get me wrong, quality of writesmanship in here is top notch and appealing to read, it's just the topics that are discussed. I don't know much about the forums, this is my first time visiting here, and it's completely not my point to bitch about the content that gets posted in the front page; I'm fine with that. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be writing this shit in the first place.
Or maybe I just wanted to start off my thinking process somehow, and all of that above doesn't really matter.
Dear *YOU*, I've come here with a problem.
As negative as you might take my opinion about the site (and it isn't...) I do believe both members and contributors could help me with an issue that is eating me up for two years already (or was it whole life?...).
I seem to be wasting everything I lay my hands on. I go to sleep every day saying to myself "Dear creator, how can I waste time so horribly and don't improve anything about me and my life. Or... should I even improve? Isn't it more comfortable to just *LIVE*? Why should I do something, if we're all gonna die, and life is just a dream? Ah come on now, that's a load of bollocks... The point of life is to give everything you've got and leave no survivors. Tomorrow I'll pour out my soul and do everything I can!"
And I fall asleep. Dreams? I've got plenty, most of them surreal, and mostly focused on one particular girl. She was a most important thing in my life, but I'll spare you Harlequin-tier slush love stories, I'm not much of a writer.
I wake up getting caught by the sun, I'm not much of an early waker, but then I'm not a night owl either... average sleep time 11pm-10am.
Get up, stand up, do nothing. I usually sit around, thinking or wasting my time on computer stuff, long time since I had any true friends, got betrayed (using some euphemisms, "f*cked" seems kind of innapropriate for this kind of discussion boards), so I keep to myself and live in the cage I, or my fate, built in.
I do have a girlfriend, I just can't give her what she deserves. Or maybe she doesn't meet my standards, which are probably impossible. But don't worry, I'm not a douche. I've never lied to her, and never treated her bad. I just feel like she couldn't catch a drift what's going on under my thick skull. (it's not boasting about my intelligence, it's just I'm pretty introvertic)
I'm not a shy person. I'm usually THE man of the party, it's just I think I fail on deeper relationships.
I'm sorry, I wrote too much - just wanted to give you some background. Not even sure if you'll read it, but here's the thing:
I am a guitar player, kind of post-intermediate level. It is my love, but like all my loves, we seem to get in arguments pretty often and we both treat ourselves with reserve and buffor distance, just not to get into each other too much.
Amateur climber, got good stamina and predispositions.
My dream is to commit my whole body and soul to that. Music, sport, love. I think I would find my happiness in that, but then again... I just don't know how. I get distracted by everything, justifying my action with repeating a thousand times "tomorrow will be better... tomorrow will be great..." and that's all. That's all...
I just wanna be great at something. But I'm blockaded. By what?
If only I'd knew.
Sorry for my basic use of language. pretty foreign language for me and I've never learned it in school.
If the discussion doesn't fit here, just delete it.
I'm pretty out of hope and ideas though.
It sounds like a character from an old noir radio drama to me.
Sounds like depression to me. Worth investigating.
If that's what it is, well: depression lies to you. It tells you there is no point. It tells you are worthless.
fill-in-the-blank Anonymous, not focused on a substance, because you can talk it out.
ManKind Project, so you can work it out.
Find your connection to that creator, and his purpose for you.
Someone who can prescribe medication to make things less black.
And above all: try everything in sight until something works.
Hey, First thing dude is that you are not nothing. By your name it tells me that you are very negative on yourself which you shouldn't be. I'm not sure what your past was like that brought you to this point but whatever it is you are so much more than nothing. Life is pretty hard and if you don't have a good support system to back you up in difficult circumstances it gets even harder.
For me family comes first. Do you have any close relatives near by that you might want to reach out to if you haven't spoken in a while? Any friends that you lost touch with? Whatever reasons you have for not talking with these people, they won't matter in the end.
I don't want to get all spiritual on you but have you considered living for something bigger than yourself? I'll tell you what though, those things that you are thinking will bring you hapiness truely won't bring you what your looking for. In college, I went after those things and I was honesltly left more empty than before I started searching. What Rick said are also good suggestions. I would add getting a job to that list. How are you supporting yourself right now?
Thanks for posting, this is a website where you can have fun but also for serious conversations.
The Nothing came up as a quick idea because my real name was visible, and I didn't want to show it.
I don't have low self-esteem; I'd say it's medium. I value myself over some people, but I am aware of the distance I have to travel to esteem myself satisfying.
As to relatives and standards held and shown by them, my father wasn't really an example for me in my whole life. He can fix stuff, but that's about all, we tried talking but it never worked out. He's really narrow-minded and self-righteous. My mother is fine.
Aaron Robert - you said music and staying fit won't bring me happiness - I am pretty sure it will - at least now. I am not planning 20 years forward and living in the past, but for now... it'd be enough.
I never had any high expectations from anybody, might be the case... but then how do you help it? Getting up earlier, forming and changing habits seems reasonable, for a second - I find no purpose in that in a long term, except curing my "illness", of which I am not aware of most of the moment, I stroll mindlessly. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate such habits and challenges, but when it comes to fulfilling them, my on-the-spot decision is to drop them, because my mind tells me it's uncomfortable.
Please don't get me as a person who seeks attention by whining anonymously in the public. I always hated this kind of people.
I am stuck in a two-year old process which I cannot break, therefore seeking non-professional help. Prescription drugs are out of question, they're not the answer. (Coming from a person who has nothing against drugs and tried most of available ones, cherished their effects, but quit)
Generally, when people are stuck, it's not because they haven't closed off enough options (hah), but too many. I don't know what your fix is, but I do know it's outside what you've tried so far. So -- wherever that takes you.
You probably just misunderstood what I said, quite understandable due to my shitty english. I tried to distinguish my mind from myself, I do feel like something should be done, it's just my mind blocking me. And I've read AoM articles about forming habits and such, it's just I'm so down I couldn't succeed, therefore seeking ways of breaking myself out of that. I'm sorry you got my replies wrong, I didn't mean to argue.
Trying to distinguish your mind from yourself is nonsense. You're trying to push blame for your failures onto an external source. The problem is you ... not your "mind". Your mind is not a separate entity ... it is you. Once you realize that, you'll have a much easier time fixing the problem.
Quit blaming your "mind". Take control of it. Figure some concrete actions you can take to fix things. Act like the man you want to be. Since you're the cause of the problem, fixing you will fix the problem.
Not arguing with that sir. Just to extend your thought, because I liked it, would you care to try and explain a bit more about "your mind is not a separate entity"? I do understand what you meant by that, I just always saw it like they ARE seperate, and would like to know why do you feel and think that way. I'm not sure, but I think that might help.
I'm not sure I can explain it any better than I have. Your mind is you. It has your thoughts. It controls your body based only on what you tell it to do. It is the source of your identity. It doesn't make decisions for itself. There's just nothing separate about it.
Blaming your mind for your behavior is like blaming your trigger finger for shooting somebody. Your finger doesn't operate by itself. Neither does your mind. They're both wholly owned agents of you. Take responsibility for what you do. You choose to behave as you behave. If you want to behave differently ... you can choose to do so.
Maybe it'd help if you told me why you think your mind is a separate entity that you have no control over.
"I'm so down I couldn't succeed,"
What habits were you trying to form? How many times did you try?
Is there a short version of this that doesn't ramble?
Sounds like you need direction in your life. You should decide what you want and go for it. No dream is too big. Just do it.
"If your dreams do not scare you, they aren't big enough."