Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rebekah on January 23, 2013 at 3:24pm

Sounds like mild depression. If you have health insurance, see a mental health professional. If you don't, and even if you do:

*Exercise

*Eat right

*Get plenty of sleep

*Make a point of catching some rays (wear sunscreen)

*Have some dark chocolate

*Start taking B vitamins

So the first 4 can involve major lifestyle changes. So choose one before moving on to the next.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse W. Rowlings on January 24, 2013 at 3:55am

+1

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Permalink Reply by Karl Helweg on January 24, 2013 at 12:49pm

+ 1

Try applying to OCS or other mental health jobs.  They are always hiring here.  These are tough jobs but they will tend to toughen you up too and your education is probably close enough for them. 

If you still can't find a job then volunteer. 

Have you considered the military?  Most recruiters will welcome you to come do PT with them every morning just on the chance that you might sign up.  Whether you do or not it goes back to Rebekah's good advice.

If you own a video game - get rid of it.  Find physical activities that you can really enjoy.   Biking?  Archery?  Hiking?  Swimming?  Rugby? 

When you get on a more upbeat path in life the girlfriend thing will take care of itself.   The hard part is just taking a deep breath and make yourself get up and do something the first time. (OK, the second day is sometimes harder.)

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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on January 23, 2013 at 4:07pm

To be honest the onyl good things about my life is that I have a strong faith, and that I have good morals since I don't get drunk, and I don't smoke

You are NOT a loser. Look at the above; you already have a strong foundation, things going for you. Many your age don't even have such discipline.

From my experience, the mid to late twenties can be a horribly harsh time. For many, including me,  it was a protracted adolescence. Adulthood seemed to be happening to others, as friends were getting married, having kids, buying houses, getting promotions at jobs they've already had for a few years.

The terrible economy of the last few years has made it hard for your entire generation to become financially independent.

Read Brett's articles here on creating a plan for your life; I wish I had that when I was your age.

Make lists of things that bother you about yourself, where you want to go.

Get support, from meeting guys in your same boat here, or better, Meetups for things you are interested in.  Putting yourself out there is so important. You realize you are not alone, and better, you can not only get help, you can help others.

Don't blame anything on your parents; they did what they did, and it's over. Time to look forward, your life is all up to you and no one else. Deal with the deck you've been given, no matter how unfair it appears to you. Learn that life is good, but not fair at all.

Lastly, don't give in to self-pity (though if you drink it's good to wallow once in a while, but don't make a habit of it). It accomplishes nothing, and, if anything, blinds you to opportunities that may come along right under your nose.

All the best; my heart goes out to you 'cause I've been there.

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Permalink Reply by Rob on January 24, 2013 at 4:03am

Make lists of things that bother you about yourself...

...good idea...and translate nouns and adjectives into verbs.

"I've been overweight most of my life." becomes "Take good care of myself, because I appreciate my body and my health."

Self-images have a tendency to trap us. "I am too ____" or "I am not _____ enough" are expressed in ways that make them sound like permanent conditions, and that's how our unconscious minds process them.

So, get rid of self-images that are static, and replace them with facts that can be changed. Bearing in mind that you only have so much bandwidth, and can't change everything at once. You always have to accept where you are RIGHT NOW, even if you intend to make changes.

So you might think "I want to take good care of my body. I've got some other issues demanding more immediate attention, but I accept the physical condition I'm in now, and I know that as I make progress on those other issues, things will start falling in place. If the opportunity arises, I'll make it a higher priority."

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Permalink Reply by Rob on January 23, 2013 at 5:55pm

Rebekah is right to bring up the issue of depression. Hard to say, but lack of motivation is a symptom.

Your overall self-image is consistent with poor self-esteem. It is possible for poor self-esteem to lead to depression, and vice-versa. They feed off each other.

I understand that you have reason to feel overwhelmed. Your frame of mind makes it all the harder to make progress. You need to change your baseline mood and you need to reframe (that means change the way you think about) your thoughts more positively.

Please set aside thoughts about things like losing your hair. In the greater scheme of things, that is not worth worrying about. Make it a practice not to worry about anything that is beyond your control. If you can control something, first decide whether it's worth your time and effort or not, and then change it, or not, but don't just worry about things. Do something, or accept things the way they are. Don't stew over things.

I feel I shouldn't have one due to my anger issues.

That is correct, and I wish more people realized that. Don't start relationships until you can manage your own emotions. Otherwise it would only lead to heartache.

I don't know why I have all these problems.

They're accumulating because your negative thought patterns are making it hard for you to be resourceful. You need to stop worrying about them, let most of them go until such a time as you have more control over your own life, and only focus on what is absolutely mission-critical. WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT? Focus on that, and that alone. Don't loop around worrying about one thing, then another, then another, never making progress on any of them. Instead, focus on what is really important, and let go of things that are not as important.

At this point you've probably got a lot of stress in your life. You should probably learn how to do deep-relaxation exercises. If nothing else, CLEAR YOUR MIND before sleep, and get a good night's rest every night.
I could tell you to think more positively, but I'm not sure if you'd understand what I mean, or be able to do it without some coaching. You might need some professional help.
The good news is that you can take care of this now, while you are young, before it gets any worse. I know a lot of people in their 50s and 60s with the same kinds of problems--and it's a lot harder to fix when it gets that entrenched. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself now.
Hugs bro.

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Permalink Reply by Benjamin on January 23, 2013 at 6:43pm

Thanks bro. I really needed that. Anymore though everything is out of my control. Getting a job feels out of control, getting control of my emotions seems out of my control. Anymore everything does except maybe working out, but I can't seem to lose weight (granted I it's because I don't eat the best. I am trying to work at that.) 

I especially feel bad about my job thing because I can't make plans until I make real money. My grocery store pay is minimum wage, and subbing isn't consistent enough. I also live in a very rural area, so its hard to meet people, especially in my situation. I know they are out there, but a lot of times they are also guys who are losers who won't get ahead in life. Maybe I should just hang with thse types of guys and stay in my dinky little town

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Permalink Reply by Rob on January 24, 2013 at 3:46am

Anymore though everything is out of my control

I understand your frustration. Things probably are out of control at the moment, but the good news is that the situation is not as bad as it seems.

You've listed a lot of problems, but they're all related to each other and all feed off each other. For example, you complained about not being able to lose weight because you "don't eat the best". Well, not taking care of yourself is another symptom of poor self-esteem. If you solved the self-esteem problem, your eating habits would tend to solve themselves, because you'd feel enough self-worth to take better care of yourself without even needing to make a conscious effort. You just would. So stop worrying about that, and focus your attention on what matters the most.

If you take care of the problems that create these other problems, all those little problems will take care of themselves. I suggest you focus on your emotional control, because that's what's making it harder for you to deal with your life-challenges. To do that, you need to think more positively.

they are also guys who are losers who won't get ahead in life

Buddy, look for and appreciate the best potential in everyone you know and meet. INCLUDING YOURSELF. Don't judge them, or yourself, for what they are or are not; instead consider the possibilities of what they COULD BE. You could help them achieve more of their own potential, by just seeing that potential in them and responding to it; it's called the "Pygmalian Effect".

If you sat down with a master card player, and played card games with him, do you think that him beating you over and over and over again is a matter of him always being dealt the good cards? It's not. He plays the hand he's dealt, and makes the best of whatever cards the dealer sends his way.

It's the same with life, Bud. You need to open your eyes to the possibilities of working with whatever you have, the people who surround you, and your own personal blessings.

Here's a game you can play, to train our brain to look for opportunities:

Hang with those "losers", just for fun, and play the following game in your mind: it's called "What I like about you". You have to think of reasons to like them.

They have to be real reasons. They don't have to be extremely compelling. "He combs his hair neatly" or "he is kind to his dog" are enough, though you can probably find better once you get used to it.

You might find this game challenging. If so, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM, and in that case, you need to work through it until you burn through. If it's not so challenging, you still need to keep at it until something "clicks" and you start seeing more value all around yourself and IN YOURSELF.

The purpose of the game is to train your brain to look for value. You're not finding value in life; you're finding problems. You need to retrain your brain to look for value, so that you can make use of it.

This is mental exercise, equivalent to your mind what physical exercise is for your body. DO THIS, regularly.  Report back how it goes.

Where attention goes, energy flows. If you obsess over problems, you find problems. If you open up your mind to blessings and opportunities, you find blessings and opportunities.

I have a strong faith

Good. Do you pray? If so, make it a regular habit to give thanks for every blessing in your life. You said you have a minimum wage job. Great! Do you realize how many college graduates are unemployed and deep in debt?!

Give thanks for your mom and your brother. Give thanks for your dad's life while he was still living. Cherish whatever good memories you have.

Remember that faith is not a synonym for "belief", even though it is abused that way. When we say that someone is faithful, we mean that he stays on track and does what is right. You don't have to believe anything, you just need to stay on track, which in your case means finding value and making the best use of it. Try the game I mentioned, the gratitude prayer, and the practice of clearing your mind before bedtime, and lemme know how they go for you.

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Permalink Reply by wicket on January 23, 2013 at 7:27pm

You are not a loser.  Keep your head up, things will get better.  Just by what you posted, you have the right motives and a big heart.  I hope it all works out.

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Permalink Reply by terry sperling on January 24, 2013 at 7:29am

Change your attitude.

Try harder.

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Permalink Reply by Mudinyeri on January 24, 2013 at 1:36pm

You're doomed to end up being a loser ... if you doom yourself.  Ever heard the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy"?

Sounds like you pursued a degree without first checking out the likelihood of employment in the field.  You're not alone.  We've become a society that insists that everyone needs to go to college.  We don't often hear the rest of the story, i.e. look for a degree in a field with good pay and job growth. 

Not sure where you're located but there are plenty of jobs to be had if you're willing to work you a$$ off.  North Dakota comes to mind immediately.  The oil industry is booming there.  Consequently, there's a lot of hiring going on.

What to do?  Suck it up.  Quit whining and do something.

Speaking of being a loser, there's nothing wrong with a career in the grocery industry. You might start as a part-time cashier and work your way up to store director if you get your mind right.  It sounds as though you think a career like that is beneath you, though (reading between the lines of your OP).  That may be a part of your problem.

You can continue blaming others and going down your path toward self-fulfilling prophecy or you can make changes.  Your move.

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on January 24, 2013 at 1:41pm

There are weekly reports out of North Dakota of jobs but no housing, or promised jobs that disappear upon arrival.

Education may not be a growth industry. America's fertility rate is barely at replacement. But it's a steady industry. There aren't fewer children than before the recession.

It's tough times all over and even people with degrees in fields with good pay and job growth are struggling.

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