I have liked the girl for a long time. Years. I'm 18 now, and for most of the time I know her, I mainly just talked to her. She doesn't live nearby. Tonight, I finally told her of my feelings for her over the phone. I shouldn't have waited this long but I did. She didn't return them. As politely as she could she told me that she wasn't especially attracted to me, and that my obvious attraction to her had made talking to me and being friends with me a little awkward at times. It was a relief to finally have things out in the open, and I expressed the intention to take her on a real date, with "no pressure". She seemed fine with that and relieved that she hadn't seemed to break my heart. She had, though. I haven't felt this strongly about a girl before. Now I'm so conflicted on what to do. Sure she isn't currently attracted to me, but we haven't really been on dates before. She hasn't really hung around me much. I'm not sure I even want to go on a date with her. I'm afraid that saying "no pressure" won't matter. I don't think I can get a fresh start with her. I'm not sure what to do. I would like to just drop her from my life and fade away for the time being. But she is my friend, and I don't have many true friends. I don't like to abandon them. I know she's going through hard times and she feels really alone. I feel like I shouldn't just stop talking to her and abandon her, but I don't know if I can make a friendship work with her while still having a chance to be with her. I need advice.
Its a tough life lesson but at least you learnt it younger than others. You liked this girl and became her friend while trying to build up the courage to ask her out. You tricked her (whether you meant to or not) into thinking your feelings for her were platonic (as her's are) and when you suddenly ambushed her with your true motives the other day you made both of you feel awkward.
Its a bad feeling. Many of us have been there. Just learn from it. Be honest with yourself and others. And next time you are interested in a girl, don't lie and say you just want to be her friend. Ask her out right off. If she says no, move on.
As for what to do with this girl. It looks pretty bleak. Sounds like she was already aware of your attraction to her while at the same time not having such feelings for you. Also, what does "I expressed the intention to take her on a real date" mean? Did you ask her on one or just express an intention to? If there isn't already one planned I don't see this ending well. She's not interested, both of you feel awkward, and despite your hope, there is pressure.
I think you need to consider what your needs are here. You said you wish to drop this friendship (which is understandable) yet are hesitant because you think she needs you. Well, that's not a good a reason. If you are going to stay in a relationship (friendship in this case) with unrequited love you are heading for misery.
Great advice already on here from Tim & Nick.
If there was any more to add for myself personally I always find it a struggle to try and be a 'true' friend to a girl that I have/had deep feelings for. This is because I have ended up always having a deep seeded thought that is 'if I keep at this, maybe just maybe, one day she will turn around and realise she wants to be with me...'
It doesn't help to be friends afterwards, immediately anyway, as your feelings will still remain and eventually you are going to get to a point where you will either resent her for it or worse.
So if you really want to be friends then be honest and tell her you need time to cool down the feelings for you to really be a real friend. Whether you do become friends after that cool down period is another thing, but you really need to disconnect from her to be able to move on and be open to finding others...
Hope this helps mate.
Richard from Romantic Missions
+1 to all of the above.
So you asked her on a "real" date before or after she told you she's not attracted to you? If she's not into you, don't date her, not even platonically. Even if you have to call her back or write her and say that, on reflection, going on a date now seems like a bad idea.
You (and she) are at a point where you both need to be very honest about your relationship, with yourselves and with each other. The good news is that you've already started: you've said how you feel and she's said how she feels, so that is out in the open and nobody's wondering how the other "really" feels.
As for where to go from here, I think you and she need some distance. Especially at this age (sorry to bring your age up, but it's true: anyone at 18 just doesn't have much experience with how romantic emotions work), it'll be really hard to be truly platonic friends. You don't necessarily have to drop her altogether, but I think you'll need to intentionally back up: for instance, be Facebook friends and like her posts or comment on them, but don't seek her out to chat or call her up just to talk. If and when you have face-to-face encounters, be together in groups, not just you and her.
And all of that said, just to be clear: I'm sorry. It sucks. It's a major disappointment. I know, I've been there twice. But I followed my own advice and I got over them eventually. Though it took a couple of years before it stopped bothering me to see them with their husbands.
Date a girl who lives nearby. You're 18. Why would you bother with a distance relationship? Move on.
Cut her loose. Spend your time on somebody that likes you back. Everybody has that one chick in high school. You'll get over it sooner than you think.
I did it. I called her up and told her that I couldn't keep talking to her if she didn't have any feelings for me. I said something stupid about hoping that her life went well and then said goodbye. I didn't really leave any loose ends. I've talked to her just about every week for the past three years. I've invested so much in her. So many things remind me of her. I've disabled my Facebook. I feel sick. I'm sure some of you guys don't think much of high school relationships and all that, but I feel terrible. It feels like it's going to take a long time to get over her.
It sucks, man. I'm sorry. All that stuff about time and healing and whatnot is true, but right now, it just sucks. Go for a run or go to the gym and do the most intense workout ever.
I wish I could offer solid advice, but as I'm in the midst of such a situation (possibly about to come out of it, but I've been on the verge and then turned back countless times), the best I can do is join you in the trenches. I dated this girl for less than six months, can't say that I saw her in person that often. It was a very low-key relationship, but it was still very real to me (this is something that I suspect tends to get lost in these sorts of threads; the heaviness of loss is entirely relative, and that which looks small to one man could be the hardest thing another man has gone through). It's been more than a year since it broke off, and I still can't get myself to completely move on. It's hard to say how much I fool myself about it, but I know that I violently hate the idea of abandoning another friend, and that I feel what is almost a moral compunction to not let myself become calloused and just accept this and other such pains as part of life. Again, it's been difficult to pin down my motives for holding these convictions so strongly.
I will offer this, though. If you allow yourself to not be down about it all the time, it does get better. There are still ups and downs, but the general trajectory is towards healing.