Good evening!

I bring you yet another problem of mine that involves women or particularly one woman.

Long story short I met her at New Years Eve party. We danced for whole night, exchanged phone numbers. Nothing else happened. Next day she messaged me and thanked for a night. I was hesitant to reply because I knew I would grow to like her and we live far away from each other (about 400 km). But I did it anyway, we spent whole next day (held hands, hugged and she gave me a kiss for goodbye).

I thought she was into me.

Then I came back home. We skyped and texted almost everyday and she was the one initiating conversations. They usually had flirtatious sound to them. She also admitted she 'fancies me' and thinks that I'm 'handsome'. From time to time she mentioned that I should come visit my cousin and see her again.

I thought she still was into me.

I came up with an idea to visit her for valentines (I would stay at my cousin who lives in same city just in case someone thought I'd stay at her place). So I asked her 'to be my valentine' and go out with me when I visit. But she said that she has to think about it. Next day she called me, talked about funny stuff and when I asked her if she already decided, she said she'd tell me at evening. Skip few hours I got an sms with all kind of excuses (have to take care of home, sick brother etc. nothing that shouldn't allow her to go out for an hour with me in my opinion). I was really pissed because I was the one willing to go 400 km just to meet with her.

This one thought started to grow in back of my head. That she just wanted to have distance 'more than a friend' to talk to, whine to and fall for but it's save to bet that nothing will ever happen because we are so far away.

Then I acted like a wuss.

Called her and told her that if she didn't want to meet me she could just say no and that we shouldn't contact each other ever again. She then texted me saying that if I 'liked her unconditionally' and 'enjoyed talking with her' I wouldn't act like that. So I replied that the problem is that I like her a little bit too much. Proceed to delete her from skype and facebook to erase all means of contact with her. In the morning she sent me another text saying that it's 'very mature' of me to do it.

I feel really bad about whole situation and am greatly disappointed with my behaviour.

I'm really lonely for quite some time and she really sparkled some interest in me. Then all kind of family problems that I wish I could leave behind me and go away culminated in me acting like a needy wuss.

Should I apologize to her? If so in what manner? If not should I just get over her?

If more information is needed to give an answer please say so.

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Burned the hell out of that bridge, didn't you?  You overreacted.  Contact her and apologize for being an ass, and hope she's more forgiving than you were.

 

She might not be into you.  Or, she might just be having doubts about a long-distance relationship.  Or, she might've been into you until you had a hissy fit.  Either way, you'll never find out if you keep acting like that.

 

JB

+1

Also, if we women don't give a reason for our declining dates, you men can't apply the Brad Pitt Rule [look it up on the main site]. If you think her reasons aren't the reasons she'd give to Brad Pitt, well, you know what to do.

Never thought about it like that, thanks.

@Jack Bauer

Heh, yeah. Indeed she might not like getting into long-distance relationship and that's why she didn't want to meet.

@Rebekah

Well all the reasons she listed were in sms message and when I called her I didn't really allow her to speak and acted like a neurotic sissy.

@LShieldes

Yea my reaction sucked. I mostly wanted to apologize to make myself feel better tho.

But one thing I don't get that she mentioned many times it would be great if I visited her and we could go see a movie, go on a beach etc. And then when I actually offer to meet up she declines in this kind of manner (by sms). It felt a bit like she abandoned me and I already 'lost' someone recently so I overreacted.

I will apologize.

But at the same time I should 'change' my romantic interest and just keep the relation between us as friends. Unless I make a problem of it again.

What do you think?

Your instincts are right. In general, the more excuses someone gives, the more likely they're just fishing for an out. But maybe you pressured her with a bunch of "Why not?s" and "But if you..."

No, I asked once. Next day I got sms with 'I can't because "reasons", "don't have time"'. Called her told her if she didn't want to she could just say no and that we should keep contact. Eh

Let me propose a corollary to the Brad Pitt Rule: If she doesn't volunteer any reason, it's the equivalent of a reason she wouldn't give Brad Pitt. She's just not that into you, and you've been a nosy, annoying, jerk.

If you like her, I'd give it another shot with her.  There's plenty of good reasons to decline a spur-of-the-moment invitation like that.  Maybe she already had a date for Valentine's Day.  Maybe she had other plans and didn't want you just dropping by.  Maybe it was just a fling ... like Shane says.  Maybe she wasn't into you anymore once she got to know you better.

 

Its worth finding out.  If you try again and get a bullshit answer ... you have your answer.

 

The thing is, if I were her, I'm not sure I'd give you another shot.  You're awfully possessive for a guy that isn't even dating this chick.  She didn't abandon you.  She wasn't obligated to you in the first place. 

 

JB

I called her on mobile and apologized then she said she has to take shower and we will talk later on skype.

Well we figured out that we both still 'fancy' each other and I will most likely visit her and go on a date on valentines.

Everything was because of me overreacting and going all emo about it.

Thanks for the wisdom!

I understand why you might not want to pursue a relationship that there are obstacles to continuing. I don't know what her motives and perspectives are; you can only report your own.

Should I apologize to her? If so in what manner? If not should I just get over her?

That's an interesting dichotomy. I suggest sending her a friendly note, and perhaps a small, non-personal gift as a token of your time together, but need and expect for nothing in particular to come of it.

You seem to have strong "attachments" going into a relationship. That means your expectations are higher than what the world is willing to give you. You also seem to be self-conscious. Not criticisms; just very limited observations, that might not even be accurate.

Do you think you could relate well to others without needing or expecting any particular outcome? Something will grow and blossom, when it's ready, but could that happen without you NEEDING for it to happen?

I don't think it would help to apologize or try to explain things. Just be warm, friendly, kind, caring, WITHOUT needing for her or any other woman to respond in any particular way, and regardless of whether you think the relationship has any future. Accept however they do respond, accept the limits of circumstances, and go from there.

Wishing you great success in matters of love.

Feel your pain man my last relationship broke apart because of distance too.

Last year i knew a girl from germany who was going to school at my university. I connected better with her than any girl ever before in my life it was great however once school was over it was back to germany with her i accompanied her all the way to the airport where she flew out of my life. We kept in touch over facebook for a few months and even sent eachother chrismass presents. But after a few months we both kind of moved on and she got a new bf and after a while we kind of broke contact. If she lived kindof close to me(like in the US) it would have been differint.

I felt real empty and still arent as happy as i was with her but i have moved on.

What i would have done is instead of asking her just shown up at her door step. Not give her a chance to give all
Those lame ass excuses. Sure that could backfire bad but If you really feel this strongly and want to get romanticly involved you have to take action and even if it did go bad atleast you would have your answer and you can stop torchering yourself.

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